Katz's Sanity R.I.P.
Ok, so I havent posted for a while, but I assure you I am still alive. However, at this rate, I don't know how much longer that will be true.
Following a week of illness, I have a lot of work to catch up on. I realize that the work isnt too difficult and that I am fully capable of getting it done, but there is something about this week that is so stressful. I find myself getting annoyed by such little things. I'm annoyed when people argue with me, I'm annoyed when people agree with me, I'm annoyed when people are just being human, I'm annoyed when people are trying to hide their humanity. I don't know why, the average person just bugs me this week, and I don't want to deal with it and I kind of just want to stay in my room. Also, I'm sorry to people who I have been complaining to; I don't mean to bitch all the time and often I can't word how I feel about something so I just say the first thing I think of ... so I'll try to not be so annoying. But I'm kind of afraid that if I keep everything bottled in, its going to find a way out ... and it isnt going to be pretty.
I'm thinking I'm going to have to drop out of my first class ever: computer art. I enjoy playing with photoshop and making oringial peices of art and having fun. I don't enjoy the class. I don't enjoy what we are doing and how subjective it is and I REALLY don't enjoy that just because I don't make wierd abstract designs or patterns or figures, then I basically am made to feel that my art is inferior and I can't get as good grades as someone who has studied the type of art that Dr. McBride likes. WELL DUH! I'm not as good an artist as someone who has done it their entire life. I'm not trying to be. And heck! I wouldn't complain if we were taught how to make the art that he appreciates, but no. nothing. no feedback, no reponses, nothing. I was going to talk to him about this, but I feel like it will just be a waste of time due to conflicting views. I'm not happy with this ... and I'm not happy with myself ... but I am not about to sit around and scribble on a page and call it art when I don't feel any emotional attachment to the work I do.
And I think I am loosing my grip on life or sanity or something. Besides this stress and anger and annoyances, I have fear. It's almost my senior year of college and I havent really done anything of importance in the mathematical community. Everything I have done has been done before, its not great and new, I just have been repeating old ideas without thinking of anything new. I'm really really afraid that I will end up having done nothing with my life, and so far its looking to end up that way.
I think right now, I have about a handful of things keeping me grounded with reality. I don't want to lose them too.
Following a week of illness, I have a lot of work to catch up on. I realize that the work isnt too difficult and that I am fully capable of getting it done, but there is something about this week that is so stressful. I find myself getting annoyed by such little things. I'm annoyed when people argue with me, I'm annoyed when people agree with me, I'm annoyed when people are just being human, I'm annoyed when people are trying to hide their humanity. I don't know why, the average person just bugs me this week, and I don't want to deal with it and I kind of just want to stay in my room. Also, I'm sorry to people who I have been complaining to; I don't mean to bitch all the time and often I can't word how I feel about something so I just say the first thing I think of ... so I'll try to not be so annoying. But I'm kind of afraid that if I keep everything bottled in, its going to find a way out ... and it isnt going to be pretty.
I'm thinking I'm going to have to drop out of my first class ever: computer art. I enjoy playing with photoshop and making oringial peices of art and having fun. I don't enjoy the class. I don't enjoy what we are doing and how subjective it is and I REALLY don't enjoy that just because I don't make wierd abstract designs or patterns or figures, then I basically am made to feel that my art is inferior and I can't get as good grades as someone who has studied the type of art that Dr. McBride likes. WELL DUH! I'm not as good an artist as someone who has done it their entire life. I'm not trying to be. And heck! I wouldn't complain if we were taught how to make the art that he appreciates, but no. nothing. no feedback, no reponses, nothing. I was going to talk to him about this, but I feel like it will just be a waste of time due to conflicting views. I'm not happy with this ... and I'm not happy with myself ... but I am not about to sit around and scribble on a page and call it art when I don't feel any emotional attachment to the work I do.
And I think I am loosing my grip on life or sanity or something. Besides this stress and anger and annoyances, I have fear. It's almost my senior year of college and I havent really done anything of importance in the mathematical community. Everything I have done has been done before, its not great and new, I just have been repeating old ideas without thinking of anything new. I'm really really afraid that I will end up having done nothing with my life, and so far its looking to end up that way.
I think right now, I have about a handful of things keeping me grounded with reality. I don't want to lose them too.