I can has Kala?
My nice gory little icon will make total sense in a few minutes ^__~
I'm about nine months short of achieving a major goal: To become a professional-quality dancer by age 40. If all goes well, this dream will come true in May. There's a lot that can go wrong: Barring the less-likely events of being shmucked by a cab or the possible-but-can't-be-predicted event of my heart deciding it's check-out time, there are more likely possibilities like teacher losing her funding and being unable to put on the show. But there is one highly-probable reason why I will fail to achieve this goal.
Me.
And it's happening already. I'm feeling the emo shakes and the procrastination is starting and I'm already feeling the Jenga-structure of my self-worth starting to wobble. I know I do this to myself. I did this to myself when I was pursuing my power engineering certificates as well. Why do I do this to myself? - I've asked that question for years. Why do I start to undermine myself? Why does my self-esteem start to feel like a wobbly.... chair... 'kay I'm just gonna go dance Waddani now, so I can make the Loser signs...
I've been saying for years that my mother had this lovely habit of helping me to stand on my own feet and then kicking the chair out from under me. Ring ring! - clue phone for Katzedecimal! News flash, idiot! -- You've internalised it! You're kicking the damned chair out from under yourself! ...okay okay, so it only took me twenty years to make the connection, hey I'm still under forty...
Which is what I keep reminding myself when I have Captain Obvious moments like this: Some - heck, many - people never do make the connection. Better late than never, and I'm still under forty. Actually, in truth, I made the connection a couple of years ago but this is the first time I've really caught the behaviour at the beginning, in time to change it before it can do real damage. That is the real accomplishment - finally seeing the forest despite the trees. These sorts of Captain Obvious moments aren't that bad, because they make it obvious (duh) how far in my journey my babysteps have taken me. The pay-off, as it were. Hooray, I've reached the point of being able to identify one of my core behavioural scripts starting up in time to stop it and address the issue that seeded it! New Kala cycle, pick up my Kala glass and go! Onward!
I tell people that every time I perform, it's me flipping the bird to my mother, who always pulled the plug on my dance lessons and never let me progress past Beginner. I'm now Advanced and in Performance class and taxiing onto the runway of becoming a professional-quality dancer. So when that chair starts shaking, don't tell me to think of how good I'll feel to achieve my goal, don't tell me about pursuing my dreams.. tell me that it's all to tell my mother FUCK YOU!
And people wonder why I never had kids, I swear...
Now if you'll excuse me, I have fic to write, housework to do, a costume to adjust, and a Kala rite to do.
I'm about nine months short of achieving a major goal: To become a professional-quality dancer by age 40. If all goes well, this dream will come true in May. There's a lot that can go wrong: Barring the less-likely events of being shmucked by a cab or the possible-but-can't-be-predicted event of my heart deciding it's check-out time, there are more likely possibilities like teacher losing her funding and being unable to put on the show. But there is one highly-probable reason why I will fail to achieve this goal.
Me.
And it's happening already. I'm feeling the emo shakes and the procrastination is starting and I'm already feeling the Jenga-structure of my self-worth starting to wobble. I know I do this to myself. I did this to myself when I was pursuing my power engineering certificates as well. Why do I do this to myself? - I've asked that question for years. Why do I start to undermine myself? Why does my self-esteem start to feel like a wobbly.... chair... 'kay I'm just gonna go dance Waddani now, so I can make the Loser signs...
I've been saying for years that my mother had this lovely habit of helping me to stand on my own feet and then kicking the chair out from under me. Ring ring! - clue phone for Katzedecimal! News flash, idiot! -- You've internalised it! You're kicking the damned chair out from under yourself! ...okay okay, so it only took me twenty years to make the connection, hey I'm still under forty...
Which is what I keep reminding myself when I have Captain Obvious moments like this: Some - heck, many - people never do make the connection. Better late than never, and I'm still under forty. Actually, in truth, I made the connection a couple of years ago but this is the first time I've really caught the behaviour at the beginning, in time to change it before it can do real damage. That is the real accomplishment - finally seeing the forest despite the trees. These sorts of Captain Obvious moments aren't that bad, because they make it obvious (duh) how far in my journey my babysteps have taken me. The pay-off, as it were. Hooray, I've reached the point of being able to identify one of my core behavioural scripts starting up in time to stop it and address the issue that seeded it! New Kala cycle, pick up my Kala glass and go! Onward!
I tell people that every time I perform, it's me flipping the bird to my mother, who always pulled the plug on my dance lessons and never let me progress past Beginner. I'm now Advanced and in Performance class and taxiing onto the runway of becoming a professional-quality dancer. So when that chair starts shaking, don't tell me to think of how good I'll feel to achieve my goal, don't tell me about pursuing my dreams.. tell me that it's all to tell my mother FUCK YOU!
And people wonder why I never had kids, I swear...
Now if you'll excuse me, I have fic to write, housework to do, a costume to adjust, and a Kala rite to do.