me, partial, Tim and Andy
they won't accept me in fuckin' rehab cuz my insurance won't pay for it, yet i still got piss tested today. who knows what kinda fucked up stuff i have in my system.... it really doesn't matter anymore. basicly they had to combine two programs to "fit my needs" half Exel and half Connections. two outpatient programs at St. vincent's hospital. i met some nice ppl today, got a free ciggarete and went to the grocery store with my mom. a fairly uneventful day.
i wish Tim would come back from 4 winds. whether we're together or not, i miss him. he's pretty much my closest friend, and the only person who truely understands me. i wish he would stop being so delusional. no one i know has expressed hate towards him lately. everyone misses him. i love Tim more than anyone. or anything. if i didn't properly express that i am severely sorry. i've just been reading old letters he wrote me. they remind me of how loving and sweet and wonderful he is. i was reading one today that said he wanted to start a black metal band with Rob. poor Tim, he always wanted to be in a band, but never got to start one. god damnit! i miss him so much. i think he knows how i feel, because he often feels the same. when i read his letters and poetry, i can relate. and i feel so sorry that another human being is capable of feeling as bad as i do, sometimes.
why can't i ever have normal human emotions? every time i'm not a pill zombie i'm called manic or depressed. i felt so good today, off my depacote. that shit makes me feel nauseated all the time. and it makes my head hurt. what i really wanna do is hit some trees. but i don't have any and even if i did, i can't smoke. some bullshit counselor said ciggs are better 4 u than weed. i scoff at people like that. in other news i fought with Andy. he was being an asshole. apparently i'm a "snotty bitch". oh well, i've been called worse. "go commit suicide, katy" was quite a popular nick-name for me in 8th grade. at least Tim is honest when he does something "asshole"-like. Andy doesn't realize how bad he makes me feel. sometimes it's like "katy, you're the most amazing girl on the planet and you're so gorgeous and i love you more than you could ever know" and sometimes it's like "shut up you stupid bitch you're twisting around everything i say and making me feel guilty, fuck you!" Andy's lucky i break down and beat myself up internally instead of lashing out at him. i guess it's better that way. i wish i was stronger like Laura. she can stand up for herself and everyone around her. i greatly admire that about her.