as ok as i can be..

[kattywatty_xox]

i'm as ok as i could be right now, i got over the whole mandy-abondoning-me thing, which i knew i would, but the whole i'm-still-in-love-with-daniel thing isn't goin too well. i walked into school this morning pretending to ignor daniel and he was standing at the window facing outside and he had his hand on some girl's waist. he does this everytime we break up. gets with a girl and completely ignors my exsistance. what did he expect me to do this past summer?! i mean what happened was bound to happen what with him doing this to me every couple weeks! i'm so sick of it but truthfully, i'd have my arms wide open for him if he wanted to come back because i love the boy. i don't know why sometimes, it's just gotten so hard and i know relationships and love aren't going to be easy-as-pie but it shouldn't have to be this hard. if it was easy i guess everyone would be happily in love though. i think it hurts so bad this time because i know that this is the last honest-to-god time we ever break up; we'll never be together again and that's scary because he's been all i've known for so long it'll be weird to try to adjust to being alone again. being single isn't bad at all, i get comments and looks all the time from hotties, guess i'm not as unpretty as i thought i was, but everytime this happens my head gets flooded with all the memories of daniel and me. guess i just have to learn to flirt back and block those memories outta my head. he obviously doesn't care that we broke up and it obviously isn't hurting him as much as it's hurting me so i'm just gonna have to move on with my life; wheather i want to or not. our whole "relationship" will probably go like it always has; him ignoring me and me ignoring him right back, us dating other people, him talking to me outta the blue and trying to make up, me falling for every word he says and falling even harder in love than the time before, us dating, breaking up, then the whole vicious cycle starts over again. but this time, if/when that happens, i can't fall for it all again. he's not gonna change and neither am i; at least not right now. we always break up for same general reasons so obviously we're not compatible but we both keep running back for more heartache and hurt. i honestly don't understand why one would go *back* into a relationship KNOWING that you're going to get hurt again b/c the person you're with *again* hasn't changed and neither have you. so it's just the same horrible train wreck as it was before but you do it all over again because, well the only explaination i can think of is that you're in love. or some SERIOUSLY UNHEALTHY infatuation. i'm trying this new thing where i don't get too worked up over things for long periods of times, just laughin things off and rollin with the shit that comes my way. the drama doesn't deserve to be acknowledged and i have friends and family to help me through tough times, and they're the most important things in my life. i'm gonna get off here and crash i need some rest so i can get all my strength back for mandy's this weekend =] can't wait. girl's weekend-two bestfriends-alcohol-boys-parties-movies <--all this can't end well ;)
[ i really do love you; but i'im letting you go this time