Ranting
I wish that I had a life. That I had one close friend that I can go to their room and hang out with whenever I want to. Or, at least something to do in this town. Since I don't, I have to sit in the second floor lounge while my room mate spends hours sleeping in MY room. I guess people were right. I can't get close to people. It's not that I don't want to, but I always become afraid that I would aggrivate the person because I know that I get aggrivated when someone wants to constantly hang out with me. That is why I don't have close friends. I have daydream friends that I hang out with a lot...in fact, that is why I would get mad at my reality friends, because they would interrupt my daydreams.
All of my friends are busy doing something else. Why is it so hard for me to have my own room? I wouldn't be so cranky or so bored with my own room. I would be sane. Instead, I want to kill people. I want to just eliminate everyone that even looks at me the wrong way. I called some black person an "Afro" because they took the table that I wanted. If it wasn't for the fact that I haven't had anything to eat since yesterday, my friend would have went off on me. I'm mad because of that. So what if I seem a little racist! It's not my fault that half of the blacks in this school don't act human. I am very understanding and I am not racist, but there are certain kinds of people that I don't like.
I don't like close-minded people. I don't like people with loud attitudes that disturb my friends with "nigga speak" at 2 a.m. "OH NO YOU DIDUN'T!!!" Yes, they did so shut the heck up! I put the "u" in there on purpose. I have scratches all over me for some unknown reason. For a moment, I wanted to cut my wrist. Not because I'm suicidal, because I'm not and cutting your wrist to kill yourself is so stupid because it takes hours to die from it. I just felt like it. I didn't do it, but I do get urges even though I never go through with them and it is a little like a rush. I could be a vampire because I think that battle blood is sexy. Not the kind that squirts everywhere, but the kind that slowly flows like a stream. Not a whole lot, but a little. Creepy huh?
I hate it when people who don't know me say to me "I know you will do fine! You'll pass the test! You'll get the part!" It seems so empty. I don't think that I can become anything in the media anymore. No matter how good I am, there will always be people who are better than me and who will beat me to the jobs. I wish that I had money. I wish that I had a VHS camcorder. I wish that I could be where I need to be to become what I want to be.
I like this college, but I can't stand some of the people (yes, the black females mostly). I'm not racist, I just prefer that people would act human instead of MTV. I know some black guys that act human. Why can't black girls act human? Anyway, I wish that I can go to a college that I would truly feel happy at. One where I can actually get my own dorm room. Receive my scholarships that I actually deserve, including the Pell Grant to help me pay off some of my books. I wish that I can learn to make friends with someone and be close to them. You know, have someone that I hang out with the majority of the time and have them like it.
I know, maybe it takes something more than a friend, but I know that it is definitely not going to work. Goodness, people tell me that I will find someone, but if a midget whose eyes appear as though they are bugging out of his head can hook up with a blond before half of the semester is out, then I know that I have hit bottom on the attractiveness scale. I'm pretty. I know it, but try convincing people around here that little fact. Besides, my ex room mate ruined it for me. Besides, I can't even stand kids. I heard some kids crying and instead of saying "Awe, I want to hold them" I was saying "Man, that would annoy me." No, I am not turning into Apollo, he can actually afford to get his own house. I'm in debt and can never have my own room while he is a community college person who can get his own house, car, and have friends to hang out with.
Sometimes, I just want to leave reality. Just look people in the eye and say "Adios" and walk out of reality and into my daydreams. The world is not fair. It should be. I have always wondered why people always settle for things. Why settle for being a high school graduate who becomes a housewife? Here is my theroy: Life isn't fair. There will be people who get money for doing nearly nothing and people who will work their butts off to barely afford a trailer to live in. Why even bother? Life is going to screw me over anyway, might as well do it the easy way and just give in without wasting my energy. Man, that was depressing, but I feel that some people believe that. Man, I think that I am a little depressed, but it's probably the song:
"Then she told me she had a gun, It sounded like she'd used it once before."--"Driven Under" Seether.
Tomorrow I probably won't eat lunch. I don't know where my life is heading. Sometimes, I feel so inspired that I believe that nothing can stop me. Sometimes, I believe that I wasn't meant for anything more than just to exist. Some days, I care too much about everything. Some days I just don't care about anything anymore. I think that today is one of those days where I just don't feel like caring anymore. I wish someone would read this and comment, but that's about it. I'm feeling a little low today.
My college twin keeps telling me about all of the guys that give her mixed signals. Sometimes, I just want to look her in the eye and say "Look, I know guys and I know that none of these guys are hitting on you. They are trying to be friendly. They are not interested in you. They only like you as a friend and you need to stop thinking that these small gestures of kindness are something more or else you will continue to have your heart broken. It's nice that you think so highly of yourself, but half of the things that you said was flirting was just friendliness." That's one thing that sucks about going to a deeply religious college (which it is, they shouldn't try to deny it). The guys will act nice to any girl and it will not mean that they want them. For girls who tend to read simple gestures (smiles, hugs, etc.) as flirting, then don't go to this college or else you will be very disappointed when your heart is broken repeatedly.
I think that the reason I can't stand kids is because I haven't had any dating time yet. I'm not ready to settle down, so I don't want any kids. I will probably want kids when I settle down. I will probably settle down when I get married. I will probably get married when I find a guy who is interested in me and I am interested in them. I will find that guy when Michael Moore marries George W. Bush and they move to France. I'm going to see if my room mate left the room...or if she is at least awake. I want to hang out in my room, but sometimes you can't get what you want. Man, isn't that true. However, I don't really care, so I'm just going to give myself false hope and have it broken when I discover that she is still napping (since at least 6 p.m.).
All of my friends are busy doing something else. Why is it so hard for me to have my own room? I wouldn't be so cranky or so bored with my own room. I would be sane. Instead, I want to kill people. I want to just eliminate everyone that even looks at me the wrong way. I called some black person an "Afro" because they took the table that I wanted. If it wasn't for the fact that I haven't had anything to eat since yesterday, my friend would have went off on me. I'm mad because of that. So what if I seem a little racist! It's not my fault that half of the blacks in this school don't act human. I am very understanding and I am not racist, but there are certain kinds of people that I don't like.
I don't like close-minded people. I don't like people with loud attitudes that disturb my friends with "nigga speak" at 2 a.m. "OH NO YOU DIDUN'T!!!" Yes, they did so shut the heck up! I put the "u" in there on purpose. I have scratches all over me for some unknown reason. For a moment, I wanted to cut my wrist. Not because I'm suicidal, because I'm not and cutting your wrist to kill yourself is so stupid because it takes hours to die from it. I just felt like it. I didn't do it, but I do get urges even though I never go through with them and it is a little like a rush. I could be a vampire because I think that battle blood is sexy. Not the kind that squirts everywhere, but the kind that slowly flows like a stream. Not a whole lot, but a little. Creepy huh?
I hate it when people who don't know me say to me "I know you will do fine! You'll pass the test! You'll get the part!" It seems so empty. I don't think that I can become anything in the media anymore. No matter how good I am, there will always be people who are better than me and who will beat me to the jobs. I wish that I had money. I wish that I had a VHS camcorder. I wish that I could be where I need to be to become what I want to be.
I like this college, but I can't stand some of the people (yes, the black females mostly). I'm not racist, I just prefer that people would act human instead of MTV. I know some black guys that act human. Why can't black girls act human? Anyway, I wish that I can go to a college that I would truly feel happy at. One where I can actually get my own dorm room. Receive my scholarships that I actually deserve, including the Pell Grant to help me pay off some of my books. I wish that I can learn to make friends with someone and be close to them. You know, have someone that I hang out with the majority of the time and have them like it.
I know, maybe it takes something more than a friend, but I know that it is definitely not going to work. Goodness, people tell me that I will find someone, but if a midget whose eyes appear as though they are bugging out of his head can hook up with a blond before half of the semester is out, then I know that I have hit bottom on the attractiveness scale. I'm pretty. I know it, but try convincing people around here that little fact. Besides, my ex room mate ruined it for me. Besides, I can't even stand kids. I heard some kids crying and instead of saying "Awe, I want to hold them" I was saying "Man, that would annoy me." No, I am not turning into Apollo, he can actually afford to get his own house. I'm in debt and can never have my own room while he is a community college person who can get his own house, car, and have friends to hang out with.
Sometimes, I just want to leave reality. Just look people in the eye and say "Adios" and walk out of reality and into my daydreams. The world is not fair. It should be. I have always wondered why people always settle for things. Why settle for being a high school graduate who becomes a housewife? Here is my theroy: Life isn't fair. There will be people who get money for doing nearly nothing and people who will work their butts off to barely afford a trailer to live in. Why even bother? Life is going to screw me over anyway, might as well do it the easy way and just give in without wasting my energy. Man, that was depressing, but I feel that some people believe that. Man, I think that I am a little depressed, but it's probably the song:
"Then she told me she had a gun, It sounded like she'd used it once before."--"Driven Under" Seether.
Tomorrow I probably won't eat lunch. I don't know where my life is heading. Sometimes, I feel so inspired that I believe that nothing can stop me. Sometimes, I believe that I wasn't meant for anything more than just to exist. Some days, I care too much about everything. Some days I just don't care about anything anymore. I think that today is one of those days where I just don't feel like caring anymore. I wish someone would read this and comment, but that's about it. I'm feeling a little low today.
My college twin keeps telling me about all of the guys that give her mixed signals. Sometimes, I just want to look her in the eye and say "Look, I know guys and I know that none of these guys are hitting on you. They are trying to be friendly. They are not interested in you. They only like you as a friend and you need to stop thinking that these small gestures of kindness are something more or else you will continue to have your heart broken. It's nice that you think so highly of yourself, but half of the things that you said was flirting was just friendliness." That's one thing that sucks about going to a deeply religious college (which it is, they shouldn't try to deny it). The guys will act nice to any girl and it will not mean that they want them. For girls who tend to read simple gestures (smiles, hugs, etc.) as flirting, then don't go to this college or else you will be very disappointed when your heart is broken repeatedly.
I think that the reason I can't stand kids is because I haven't had any dating time yet. I'm not ready to settle down, so I don't want any kids. I will probably want kids when I settle down. I will probably settle down when I get married. I will probably get married when I find a guy who is interested in me and I am interested in them. I will find that guy when Michael Moore marries George W. Bush and they move to France. I'm going to see if my room mate left the room...or if she is at least awake. I want to hang out in my room, but sometimes you can't get what you want. Man, isn't that true. However, I don't really care, so I'm just going to give myself false hope and have it broken when I discover that she is still napping (since at least 6 p.m.).