Condensed Outlander
Since I didn't get a beta, I'm posting without - love2loveher said that there weren't any glaring grammar mistakes, and that's good enough for me.
Anyway. For those of you who want to know what Diana Gabaldon was on about without reading her books, or those of you who have read her books and just want the condensed crack version, here's my condensed Outlander parody. Totally and completely inspired by m15m, though I checked the FAQ and cleolinda said she'd rather no one else use the "15 minutes" name, so I'm not using the name. Just completely ripping off the idea.
While I've paraphrased the dialogue, and occasionally inserted a line that's not in the original (such as Mata Hari and all that follows it), and put in some Author+Reader stuff that's just my thoughts - all of these scenes are in the book. All of them.
Which also means a WARNING for sexual/physical abuse.
Oh, and this isn't fanfic, it's parody. Which is legal. So nyah. :-)
Okay, enough talking, here we have it!
Condensed Cross Stitch Outlander
OMINOUS FOREWORD: People disappear all the time. It's completely natural. Except when it's not.
***
Part one: Inverness 1945 no, 1946 no, 1945 at some point after WWII.
Outspoken, unconventional insert-your-typical-heroine-adjective-here nurse CLAIRE RANDALL and her sexy but proper husband, the historian FRANK RANDALL are having a second honeymoon to get reaquainted after spending the entire war apart.
Frank: Oooh, old rites! Oooh, Belthane! Oooh, mini-Stonehenge! Oooh, information about my sadistic ancestor, Black Jack Randall!
Claire: Uh, that second honeymoon thing?
Frank: Oh, right! Let me sit and bounce on the bed for a few minutes, to make the landlady think we're sexxing. *bounce* *bounce* *moan*
Claire: ...No wonder we don't have any kids.
***
Frank: I just saw a tall, Scottish ghost who seemed to be stalking you. Have you been cheating on me?
Claire: With a ghost?
Frank: For instance.
Claire: NO!
Frank: Okay. But it would be completely natural if you were. Since we've spent so long apart. not that I think you've been unfaithful, but it would be COMPLETELY natural if I was you were.
***
THE VICAR'S ADOPTED SON has green eyes. Really really green. Just saying.
THE VICAR'S HOUSEKEEPER/RESIDENT FORTUNE-TELLER: Now, let's see what Claire's hand says. You always have your own way, you're an excellent lover and men will fall over themselves for the right to keep shagging you (even the gay ones), you're going to travel very far while remaining in the same place, and you're a bigamist.
Claire: Bigamist?
Housekeeper/Fortune-teller: Whoops, look at the time! I gotta go dance with my fellow witches at the mini-Stonehenge.
***
Claire: The 1940s aren't progressive enough for me. I need to be somewhere where my talents are appreciated. Hey, why are the stones in the mini-Stonehenge screaming?
1700s: Well, if it's progressive you want... you're screwed. On the other hand, you have the chance to be EVEN MORE ahead of your time. After all, the beastly anachronism of having your attitudes in the 18th century is the only reason this time travel plot was invented.
NOT!FRANK: Ooh, a whore walking around in her underwear! *pounce*
Claire: WTF Frank!? Hang on, you're not Frank. Who are you?
Not!Frank forcibly kisses her.
Claire: Jesus H Roosevelt Christ, it's Black Jack Randall!
HIGHLANDERS show up and save/kidnap Claire.
Highlanders: Ooh, a whore walking around in her underwear!
Claire: Will you STOP that!? I'm not a whore!
DOUGAL MACKENZIE, leader of the Highlanders: So ye're a spy.
Claire: No!
In a corner, an inept Highlander tries to fix the dislocated shoulder of JAMIE FRASER MACTAVISH (though FRASER really).
Jamie: *grunts* (A very MANLY non-weeping grunt)
Claire: OMG you guys are IDIOTS! *does it properly*
Dougal: Not bad, Mata Hari.
Claire: Mata Hari hasn't been born yet!
Dougal: So?
Claire: So I'm the only one who gets to spout pop culture phrases! It's Rule #13 in the Awesome Heroine Handbook, right after "unruly yet gorgeous hair that fits my unruly yet gorgeous personality."
Dougal: I stand corrected. Not bad, English spying whore!
Claire: *to Jamie* Hi. I'm the heroine. Do everything I say, and I might not curse at you so much.
Jamie: Hello, sassenach. (A word we will from now on pretend is a term of endearment instead of a xenophobic slur.) I'm the resident woobie of this book. Also, yer future love interest.
Dougal: Enough sweet-talking, time to go kick some English arse! Ye two, share a horse so ye can get some proper bonding time before ye get married.
Jamie gets some more wounds and falls off his horse.
Claire binds his wounds. Again.
***
We reach CASTLE LEOCH, home of the MacKenzies.
Claire: *gets a good look at Jamie* Jesus H Roosevelt Christ, that's a LOT of scarring on your back.
Jamie: Yeah, Black Jack Randall flogged me half to death after he raped my sister. Then I was framed for killing a man, and now I'm on the run.
Claire: ...
Jamie: Told ye, I'm the resident woobie.
***
COLUM MACKENZIE, brother of Dougal: Welcome to my castle! I'm in charge of everything concerning the MacKenzie clan that involves actual thinking. I will treat ye kindly while I try to figure out how to use ye in my sneaky plans. Don't take it personally, it's just that I'm this book's Magnificent Bastard. Also, I have to spend the time somehow, since I've got Toulouse-Lautrec Syndrome, and am now crippled, in pain, impotent, and will die before the next book is over.
READER: Wait, then how did Jamie reach the position of resident woobie?
AUTHOR: He's sexier and more likeable. Also, because I say so.
Reader: That's not even...
Jamie: *bats those slanted baby-blues*
Reader: ...Whatever.
***
Part two: Castle Leoch
LAOGHAIRE, a blonde little lass of sixteen or so, is accused of being a massive slut, and Jamie takes a beating for her.
Claire binds his wounds. Again.
Claire: Why do you have a huge scar at the back of the head?
Jamie: Someone (totally Dougal) hit me with an axe and I was blind for a month.
Reader: Don't tell me. Resident woobie.
***
Colum: Claire, ye're the new castle physician.
Claire: But I have to go back to my... uh... French relatives.
Colum: Right. What are their names again?
Claire: Castle physician it is!
***
Laoghaire: Hellooooo, Jamie!
Jamie kisses her for the heck of it.
Laoghaire is now hung up on Jamie for all eternity.
THE FANS in turn swear to hate Laoghaire and call her Leg-hair for all eternity.
***
GEILLIE DUNCAN is smart and sassy and possibly a witch. Also, she has really, really green eyes. Just saying.
Geillie: Psst, Colum's son is really Jamie's.
Claire: How do you know?
Geillie: Dougal told me. And we're having sex, so he MUST be telling the truth.
***
Part three: On the Road
Dougal: Ye two, come with me as I collect tributes to Clan MacKenzie (and funds for the Scottish uprising).
Claire: Okay, you're trying to find out if anyone knows me, I get that, but why do you need Jamie for this trip?
Dougal (in Gaelic, to villagers): Let's kick the English out so they cannae do shit like this anymore! *rips Jamie's shirt off and exposes his scarred back*
Jamie: Ye bastard!
Dougal: Shut up or I willnae help ye get that price off yer head.
Claire: You bastard!
Dougal: Hey, what's the point of having a resident woobie if I cannae use him for the cash flow?
Jamie gets in a fight with some villagers who think he's a pansy.
Claire binds his wounds. Again.
***
Dougal: Okay, this guy should be able to tell us who ye are.
Black Jack Randall: Oh, it's you again.
Claire: You're still not Frank. And kind of scary.
Black Jack Randall: Tell me about it. *punches Claire for the heck of it* Nope, don't know her.
***
Dougal: I was there when Randall flogged Jamie, and he's an evil sadistic bastard who enjoys that shit.
Claire: Thanks, I figured. Why are you telling me?
Dougal: I have to either hand ye over to him or make ye a Scottish citizen.
Claire: Huh?
Dougal: Ye have to marry Jamie. Which is also an excellent way to make sure he doesna try to become clan laird after Colum dies.
Claire: No way!
Dougal: Fine, ye can marry my greasy thug instead.
Claire: Jamie it is, then. I should warn you, though, I'm not a virgin.
Jamie: That's okay. I am.
***
Jamie and Claire get married and have a couple of rounds of SEX.
Jamie: Whoo! Sex is awesome!
Claire: *moans*
Jamie: Did I hurt ye?
Claire: That's what we modern folks call an "orgasm".
Jamie: Whoo! Have another one!
***
MacKenzie vs. Grant rumble for the lolz, w00t!
Jamie: Here, Sassenach, take my knife.
Claire: That's okay, I wouldn't know how to use it.
MacKenzies: Well, we canna have that! Here's 50 ways to knife yer enemy! It'll come in handy when some soldiers try to rape ye in a couple of pages.
***
THE LOCH NESS MONSTER totes exists, you guys.
***
Jamie: When I'm with ye, I feel like a GOD! Ye're like fire, like an untamed horse...
Claire: This will be so awkward when I sneak away to try to get home.
***
Claire sneaks away to try to get home.
Black Jack Randall: Oh, there you are! I could interrogate you, but that's boring. How about I tie you up and rape you instead?
Claire: How about you get a hard-on first, you perv?
Jamie: How about you get your hands off my wife?
***
Jamie spanks Claire for insubordination.
Claire: You jerk!
Jamie: I've been spanked lots. Fun anecdotes time!
Claire: I love you.
Jamie: Also, Black Jack Randall tried to seduce me once, and when I turned him down he flogged me a second time, and my father died of a stroke thinking I was dead.
Claire: Oh Jamie!
Reader: That's not a fun anecdote.
***
Back at Castle Leoch.
Claire: You know, if you'd rather sleep with Laoghaire, that's fine. It's not like we're really married.
Jamie: WE ARE TOO! I'll have sex with ye NOW to prove it!
Claire: YOU FUCKING BASTARD DON'T YOU DARE!
Jamie: ...What's ”fucking”?
*finds out through practical education*
***
Part Four: A Whiff of Brimstone
HAMISH, Colum's (yeah, right) son: Is it true if you're married you have to have ICKY SEX?
Jamie: ...Lots and lots of it.
***
Claire doctors various people, including Jamie (again). Also, a horse.
***
ALEC THE GROOMSMAN: I remember when Jamie's parents eloped, his father was so black-haired people said he was a Selkie...
Reader: Aw, that's sweet. Can we move past the random quaint anecdotes into some actual plot?
Author: Be grateful! In a couple of books, this will be the plot!
***
Colum: Ye have NO BRAIN!
Dougal: Well, ye have NO DICK!
Colum: MY DEAL IS BETTER!
Dougal: Listen, I...
Colum: Shut up. I'll deal with the witch and the baby and other unspecific things I'll mention that'll have Claire misunderstand the whole thing as she's listening outside the door.
***
McKenzies: Hey, the Duke of Sandringham is coming, he might be able to help Jamie.
Jamie: He tried to seduce me once too! But since he's not as evil as Black Jack Randall I opted to use laxatives to make myself useless to him.
Dougal: I wish ye would have told me!
Jamie: Ye would have drugged me and handed me to him.
Dougal: Basically, yes.
***
Claire: I have to save this abandoned baby!
Geillie: Don't, it's a changeling.
Claire: You don't believe that.
Geillie: FFS, stop being so 20th century before you get us both burned!
***
Geillie does witchy things and drugs Claire.
Geillie: Who are you?
Claire: I'm...
GEILLIE'S HUSBAND ARTHUR: Honey, I'm home! WTF, ye're...
Geillie: Time to murder my husband before he reveals my secrets!
***
TOWNSPEOPLE: Geillie Duncan is an EVIL WITCH!
Laoghaire: Psst, so's Claire.
Townspeople: Claire Fraser is an EVIL WITCH!
Geillie: Ah, well, at least I managed to raise some money for Scotland before my game was up.
Townspeople: Burn them both!
NED GOWAN, LAWYER: I object!
Jamie: So do I!
Geillie: *to Claire* You owe me, sister. *To townspeople* Nope, I'm the only witch here! Claire is totally innocent! Also, I'm pregnant, so you can't kill me, nyah!
Claire: Jesus H Roosevelt Christ, is that a smallpox vaccination mark on your arm? Are you from the future too?
GEILLIE: Bye-bye, Claire, see you later! Or earlier...
***
Jamie: Are ye a witch?
Claire: No, I'm from the future.
Jamie: Ooookay.
Claire: You don't believe me.
Jamie: Sure I do. But just to make sure, let's try sending ye back.
Mini-Stonehenge: I GOT YOU NOW, MY PRETTY!
Jamie: OMG NO! *pulls Claire away* Um. Sorry. Instinct. Ye have to go home, obviously.
Claire: Do I?
Jamie: Yes!
Claire: I do, don't I? Promise me to stay away from Culloden, you hear? And... oh, fuck this, I'm staying.
***
Part five, Lallybroch
JENNY, JAMIE'S SISTER: OMG ye're home!
Jamie: OMG ye're pregnant! SLUT!
Jenny: What do ye mean, ye idiot?
*incoherent shouting on both ends*
Jamie: So who's the father of this bastard?
JENNY'S HUSBAND IAN: That would be me. Hi. And it's not a bastard.
Jamie: ...Well, it's very kind of ye to marry a fallen woman.
Jenny: OMG the STUPID it BURNS.
Ian: She was a virgin, ye know.
Jenny: I kicked Black Jack Randall in the nuts and laughed at his impotence. And ye're still an idiot.
Claire *feels like she's found a home at last.*
***
Ian: After I lost my leg I felt that I dinnae have anything to offer a woman, but Jenny insisted on marrying me.
Reader: Jamie still the woobie?
Author: Don't worry, I'm just giving Jamie a bit of a break before the big stuff.
***
Jamie: Yer mother and I want yer son to be my new stablehand.
MACNAB, DRUNKEN FARMER: No, I'd rather take him home and beat the shit out of him.
Jamie: Let me put it this way: What would ye rather be rid of, yer son or yer liver?
MacNab: Fine, I'll just go betray ye to the English, then. *betrays Jamie to the English*
***
Jamie *is taken prisoner.*
Jenny: C'mon Claire, time to go find him!
Claire: ...But you have a newborn baby at home.
Jenny: I'm gonna find my brother and nobody stop me! Oh, hi, MURTAGH, JAMIE'S GODFATHER. Ye take over from here, I'll go home and breastfeed.
***
Part six: The Search
Murtagh and Claire travel from village to village trying to find Jamie.
MESSENGER: Psst, there's a tall Viking type wanting to talk to you.
Claire: Jamie!!!
Dougal: Hello there! Jamie's in prison waiting to be executed. Why don't ye marry me instead?
Claire: Yeah, right, like I want to be sloppy seconds after Geillie Duncan.
Dougal: Well, she's dead anyway. And ye should totally take my word for that, even though I'm a lying bastard. It will in no way come back to bite ye in another book.
Claire: Well, I can't say I'm sorry. Except for her baby, it's bound to grow up weird, with a witch for a mother and a two-timing bastard for a father. Btw, I figured out that you slept with your brother's wife as well.
Dougal: Only because he TOLD me to! It was really boring, but I'd do ANYTHING for him. ANYTHING AT ALL!
Claire: Your family is so fucking weird.
Dougal: Speaking of fucking, what do ye say, will ye do me? We cannae help Jamie, after all.
Claire: How about you fuck yourself, and I go save Jamie?
***
Part seven: Sanctuary
GOVERNOR FLETCHER: Well, it's very nice of a lady like you to take an interest in the fate of the prisoners.
Claire: Oh, goodie, never mind me when I sneak around in the corridors trying to find Jamie. *Kills a guard on the way.*
Jamie is chained to the wall and has had his hand crushed by a gleeful Black Jack Randall. A paragraph is spent detailing the injury.
Reader: Ew.
Author: Told you I was loading up for the big stuff!
***
Claire: Okay, let me get you out of here and then I can kill Black Jack Randall!
Black Jack Randall (with henchman): WTF are you doing here? Never mind, I'll have some fun killing you before I continue with him.
Jamie: Will you let Claire go if I let you rape me?
Black Jack Randall: Hmm, maybe... but just as a sign of good faith, let me do this. *Nails Jamie's wounded hand to the table* Kiss me now!
Reader: ...You know, this is really taking the resident woobie thing too far.
Author *smirks*
Black Jack Randall: Go away, wife, it's SEXYTIMES!
***
WOLF: GRRRR I KILL YOU NOW!
Claire: Not if I kill you first, you bad bad doggie! With my bare hands and all!
Murtagh & friends: Hey, let's send a stampede of cattle through the prison!
COWS: MOOOOH.
Jamie: Okay, that beating, burning, sodomizing and branding has got to me, 'cause I hear cows.
Author *lovingly describes Jamie's injuries for several pages.*
Reader: OKAY! OKAY! JAMIE IS THE WOOBIE! JESUS CHRIST!
Claire binds his wounds.
MACRANNOCH, a random Highlander: Good news! Black Jack Randall is dead. Ye should totally take my word for that, even though I've never seen Randall before and there were more people in the prison. It will in no way come back to bite ye in another book.
Claire: Oh, goody!
***
They escape across the English channel to France.
Jamie *pukes his guts out*
Claire: He's seasick too? You've GOT to be kidding me.
ABBOT ALEXANDER, Jamie's uncle: Welcome! I'm a Fraser, so I won't try to screw you over like the MacKenzies did.
Jamie *Keeps puking his guts out and has horrible dreams about being whipped to death and beyond.*
FATHER ANSELM: So, grace requires that the recipient fully accepts the grace...
Claire: You're absolutely right, Jamie needs help to get over his trauma.
Father Anselm: ...I thought we were discussing spiritual salvation?
***
Jamie: Oh, Sassenach, he did such HORRIBLE THINGS to me, which I now tell you about in detail! I will hate the scent of his perfume FOREVER! Also, gay people are HORRIBLE AND ICKY.
READER: Gee, I do hope no morally upstanding, likeable gay man ever falls in love with him. Say in book #3.
***
Claire *prays*.
Jamie *hallucinates*.
Monks: Time for the last rites!
Claire: NO! Time to imitate Black Jack Randall! A bit of my memories of him, a bit of what Jamie told me, a bit of Frank, a bit of swearing, and my English accent to top it off. Plus of course a smidgeon of actual physical abuse.
Jamie (feverish and drugged): Please don't!
Claire: Fight!
Jamie *not fighting*
Claire *smears Jamie's blood on her lips*: Kiss me now!
Jamie: RRRRRARRRR! *Throws Claire across the room and fights her for a while before he passes out and his fever goes down.*
Reader: The ”comfort” bit of this h/c is as saddening as the ”hurt”...
***
Claire: I would like to make a confession.
Father Anselm: About what?
Claire: About EVERYTHING.
Father Anselm: Yay, a miracle! Unfortunately, I don't have a manual for ”time travel”. Hmm, let me think... I don't think your actions in this plot are sinful. Concerning the future, your actions affect it, but so do mine or anyone else's. Despite evidence to the contrary, this isn't Doctor Who, and you don't have to worry about fixed points in time.
Claire: Good.
Reader: Doesn't mean you're going to change them, honey.
***
Jamie: Aw, look at my scarred but mostly functional hand!
Claire: I'm so sorry I couldn't do better!
Jamie: ...What are you, on crack? I'm alive and in one piece, thanks to you. What more could you possibly give me?
Claire: How about a baby?
***
THE END
***
Reader: Hang on, that didn't even solve half the things...
Author: Next book!
Reader: Do you promise?
Author *snickers and runs away*.
This entry was originally posted at http://katta.dreamwidth.org/491652.html and has
comments there.
Anyway. For those of you who want to know what Diana Gabaldon was on about without reading her books, or those of you who have read her books and just want the condensed crack version, here's my condensed Outlander parody. Totally and completely inspired by m15m, though I checked the FAQ and cleolinda said she'd rather no one else use the "15 minutes" name, so I'm not using the name. Just completely ripping off the idea.
While I've paraphrased the dialogue, and occasionally inserted a line that's not in the original (such as Mata Hari and all that follows it), and put in some Author+Reader stuff that's just my thoughts - all of these scenes are in the book. All of them.
Which also means a WARNING for sexual/physical abuse.
Oh, and this isn't fanfic, it's parody. Which is legal. So nyah. :-)
Okay, enough talking, here we have it!
Condensed Cross Stitch Outlander
OMINOUS FOREWORD: People disappear all the time. It's completely natural. Except when it's not.
***
Part one: Inverness 1945 no, 1946 no, 1945 at some point after WWII.
Outspoken, unconventional insert-your-typical-heroine-adjective-here nurse CLAIRE RANDALL and her sexy but proper husband, the historian FRANK RANDALL are having a second honeymoon to get reaquainted after spending the entire war apart.
Frank: Oooh, old rites! Oooh, Belthane! Oooh, mini-Stonehenge! Oooh, information about my sadistic ancestor, Black Jack Randall!
Claire: Uh, that second honeymoon thing?
Frank: Oh, right! Let me sit and bounce on the bed for a few minutes, to make the landlady think we're sexxing. *bounce* *bounce* *moan*
Claire: ...No wonder we don't have any kids.
***
Frank: I just saw a tall, Scottish ghost who seemed to be stalking you. Have you been cheating on me?
Claire: With a ghost?
Frank: For instance.
Claire: NO!
Frank: Okay. But it would be completely natural if you were. Since we've spent so long apart. not that I think you've been unfaithful, but it would be COMPLETELY natural if I was you were.
***
THE VICAR'S ADOPTED SON has green eyes. Really really green. Just saying.
THE VICAR'S HOUSEKEEPER/RESIDENT FORTUNE-TELLER: Now, let's see what Claire's hand says. You always have your own way, you're an excellent lover and men will fall over themselves for the right to keep shagging you (even the gay ones), you're going to travel very far while remaining in the same place, and you're a bigamist.
Claire: Bigamist?
Housekeeper/Fortune-teller: Whoops, look at the time! I gotta go dance with my fellow witches at the mini-Stonehenge.
***
Claire: The 1940s aren't progressive enough for me. I need to be somewhere where my talents are appreciated. Hey, why are the stones in the mini-Stonehenge screaming?
1700s: Well, if it's progressive you want... you're screwed. On the other hand, you have the chance to be EVEN MORE ahead of your time. After all, the beastly anachronism of having your attitudes in the 18th century is the only reason this time travel plot was invented.
NOT!FRANK: Ooh, a whore walking around in her underwear! *pounce*
Claire: WTF Frank!? Hang on, you're not Frank. Who are you?
Not!Frank forcibly kisses her.
Claire: Jesus H Roosevelt Christ, it's Black Jack Randall!
HIGHLANDERS show up and save/kidnap Claire.
Highlanders: Ooh, a whore walking around in her underwear!
Claire: Will you STOP that!? I'm not a whore!
DOUGAL MACKENZIE, leader of the Highlanders: So ye're a spy.
Claire: No!
In a corner, an inept Highlander tries to fix the dislocated shoulder of JAMIE FRASER MACTAVISH (though FRASER really).
Jamie: *grunts* (A very MANLY non-weeping grunt)
Claire: OMG you guys are IDIOTS! *does it properly*
Dougal: Not bad, Mata Hari.
Claire: Mata Hari hasn't been born yet!
Dougal: So?
Claire: So I'm the only one who gets to spout pop culture phrases! It's Rule #13 in the Awesome Heroine Handbook, right after "unruly yet gorgeous hair that fits my unruly yet gorgeous personality."
Dougal: I stand corrected. Not bad, English spying whore!
Claire: *to Jamie* Hi. I'm the heroine. Do everything I say, and I might not curse at you so much.
Jamie: Hello, sassenach. (A word we will from now on pretend is a term of endearment instead of a xenophobic slur.) I'm the resident woobie of this book. Also, yer future love interest.
Dougal: Enough sweet-talking, time to go kick some English arse! Ye two, share a horse so ye can get some proper bonding time before ye get married.
Jamie gets some more wounds and falls off his horse.
Claire binds his wounds. Again.
***
We reach CASTLE LEOCH, home of the MacKenzies.
Claire: *gets a good look at Jamie* Jesus H Roosevelt Christ, that's a LOT of scarring on your back.
Jamie: Yeah, Black Jack Randall flogged me half to death after he raped my sister. Then I was framed for killing a man, and now I'm on the run.
Claire: ...
Jamie: Told ye, I'm the resident woobie.
***
COLUM MACKENZIE, brother of Dougal: Welcome to my castle! I'm in charge of everything concerning the MacKenzie clan that involves actual thinking. I will treat ye kindly while I try to figure out how to use ye in my sneaky plans. Don't take it personally, it's just that I'm this book's Magnificent Bastard. Also, I have to spend the time somehow, since I've got Toulouse-Lautrec Syndrome, and am now crippled, in pain, impotent, and will die before the next book is over.
READER: Wait, then how did Jamie reach the position of resident woobie?
AUTHOR: He's sexier and more likeable. Also, because I say so.
Reader: That's not even...
Jamie: *bats those slanted baby-blues*
Reader: ...Whatever.
***
Part two: Castle Leoch
LAOGHAIRE, a blonde little lass of sixteen or so, is accused of being a massive slut, and Jamie takes a beating for her.
Claire binds his wounds. Again.
Claire: Why do you have a huge scar at the back of the head?
Jamie: Someone (totally Dougal) hit me with an axe and I was blind for a month.
Reader: Don't tell me. Resident woobie.
***
Colum: Claire, ye're the new castle physician.
Claire: But I have to go back to my... uh... French relatives.
Colum: Right. What are their names again?
Claire: Castle physician it is!
***
Laoghaire: Hellooooo, Jamie!
Jamie kisses her for the heck of it.
Laoghaire is now hung up on Jamie for all eternity.
THE FANS in turn swear to hate Laoghaire and call her Leg-hair for all eternity.
***
GEILLIE DUNCAN is smart and sassy and possibly a witch. Also, she has really, really green eyes. Just saying.
Geillie: Psst, Colum's son is really Jamie's.
Claire: How do you know?
Geillie: Dougal told me. And we're having sex, so he MUST be telling the truth.
***
Part three: On the Road
Dougal: Ye two, come with me as I collect tributes to Clan MacKenzie (and funds for the Scottish uprising).
Claire: Okay, you're trying to find out if anyone knows me, I get that, but why do you need Jamie for this trip?
Dougal (in Gaelic, to villagers): Let's kick the English out so they cannae do shit like this anymore! *rips Jamie's shirt off and exposes his scarred back*
Jamie: Ye bastard!
Dougal: Shut up or I willnae help ye get that price off yer head.
Claire: You bastard!
Dougal: Hey, what's the point of having a resident woobie if I cannae use him for the cash flow?
Jamie gets in a fight with some villagers who think he's a pansy.
Claire binds his wounds. Again.
***
Dougal: Okay, this guy should be able to tell us who ye are.
Black Jack Randall: Oh, it's you again.
Claire: You're still not Frank. And kind of scary.
Black Jack Randall: Tell me about it. *punches Claire for the heck of it* Nope, don't know her.
***
Dougal: I was there when Randall flogged Jamie, and he's an evil sadistic bastard who enjoys that shit.
Claire: Thanks, I figured. Why are you telling me?
Dougal: I have to either hand ye over to him or make ye a Scottish citizen.
Claire: Huh?
Dougal: Ye have to marry Jamie. Which is also an excellent way to make sure he doesna try to become clan laird after Colum dies.
Claire: No way!
Dougal: Fine, ye can marry my greasy thug instead.
Claire: Jamie it is, then. I should warn you, though, I'm not a virgin.
Jamie: That's okay. I am.
***
Jamie and Claire get married and have a couple of rounds of SEX.
Jamie: Whoo! Sex is awesome!
Claire: *moans*
Jamie: Did I hurt ye?
Claire: That's what we modern folks call an "orgasm".
Jamie: Whoo! Have another one!
***
MacKenzie vs. Grant rumble for the lolz, w00t!
Jamie: Here, Sassenach, take my knife.
Claire: That's okay, I wouldn't know how to use it.
MacKenzies: Well, we canna have that! Here's 50 ways to knife yer enemy! It'll come in handy when some soldiers try to rape ye in a couple of pages.
***
THE LOCH NESS MONSTER totes exists, you guys.
***
Jamie: When I'm with ye, I feel like a GOD! Ye're like fire, like an untamed horse...
Claire: This will be so awkward when I sneak away to try to get home.
***
Claire sneaks away to try to get home.
Black Jack Randall: Oh, there you are! I could interrogate you, but that's boring. How about I tie you up and rape you instead?
Claire: How about you get a hard-on first, you perv?
Jamie: How about you get your hands off my wife?
***
Jamie spanks Claire for insubordination.
Claire: You jerk!
Jamie: I've been spanked lots. Fun anecdotes time!
Claire: I love you.
Jamie: Also, Black Jack Randall tried to seduce me once, and when I turned him down he flogged me a second time, and my father died of a stroke thinking I was dead.
Claire: Oh Jamie!
Reader: That's not a fun anecdote.
***
Back at Castle Leoch.
Claire: You know, if you'd rather sleep with Laoghaire, that's fine. It's not like we're really married.
Jamie: WE ARE TOO! I'll have sex with ye NOW to prove it!
Claire: YOU FUCKING BASTARD DON'T YOU DARE!
Jamie: ...What's ”fucking”?
*finds out through practical education*
***
Part Four: A Whiff of Brimstone
HAMISH, Colum's (yeah, right) son: Is it true if you're married you have to have ICKY SEX?
Jamie: ...Lots and lots of it.
***
Claire doctors various people, including Jamie (again). Also, a horse.
***
ALEC THE GROOMSMAN: I remember when Jamie's parents eloped, his father was so black-haired people said he was a Selkie...
Reader: Aw, that's sweet. Can we move past the random quaint anecdotes into some actual plot?
Author: Be grateful! In a couple of books, this will be the plot!
***
Colum: Ye have NO BRAIN!
Dougal: Well, ye have NO DICK!
Colum: MY DEAL IS BETTER!
Dougal: Listen, I...
Colum: Shut up. I'll deal with the witch and the baby and other unspecific things I'll mention that'll have Claire misunderstand the whole thing as she's listening outside the door.
***
McKenzies: Hey, the Duke of Sandringham is coming, he might be able to help Jamie.
Jamie: He tried to seduce me once too! But since he's not as evil as Black Jack Randall I opted to use laxatives to make myself useless to him.
Dougal: I wish ye would have told me!
Jamie: Ye would have drugged me and handed me to him.
Dougal: Basically, yes.
***
Claire: I have to save this abandoned baby!
Geillie: Don't, it's a changeling.
Claire: You don't believe that.
Geillie: FFS, stop being so 20th century before you get us both burned!
***
Geillie does witchy things and drugs Claire.
Geillie: Who are you?
Claire: I'm...
GEILLIE'S HUSBAND ARTHUR: Honey, I'm home! WTF, ye're...
Geillie: Time to murder my husband before he reveals my secrets!
***
TOWNSPEOPLE: Geillie Duncan is an EVIL WITCH!
Laoghaire: Psst, so's Claire.
Townspeople: Claire Fraser is an EVIL WITCH!
Geillie: Ah, well, at least I managed to raise some money for Scotland before my game was up.
Townspeople: Burn them both!
NED GOWAN, LAWYER: I object!
Jamie: So do I!
Geillie: *to Claire* You owe me, sister. *To townspeople* Nope, I'm the only witch here! Claire is totally innocent! Also, I'm pregnant, so you can't kill me, nyah!
Claire: Jesus H Roosevelt Christ, is that a smallpox vaccination mark on your arm? Are you from the future too?
GEILLIE: Bye-bye, Claire, see you later! Or earlier...
***
Jamie: Are ye a witch?
Claire: No, I'm from the future.
Jamie: Ooookay.
Claire: You don't believe me.
Jamie: Sure I do. But just to make sure, let's try sending ye back.
Mini-Stonehenge: I GOT YOU NOW, MY PRETTY!
Jamie: OMG NO! *pulls Claire away* Um. Sorry. Instinct. Ye have to go home, obviously.
Claire: Do I?
Jamie: Yes!
Claire: I do, don't I? Promise me to stay away from Culloden, you hear? And... oh, fuck this, I'm staying.
***
Part five, Lallybroch
JENNY, JAMIE'S SISTER: OMG ye're home!
Jamie: OMG ye're pregnant! SLUT!
Jenny: What do ye mean, ye idiot?
*incoherent shouting on both ends*
Jamie: So who's the father of this bastard?
JENNY'S HUSBAND IAN: That would be me. Hi. And it's not a bastard.
Jamie: ...Well, it's very kind of ye to marry a fallen woman.
Jenny: OMG the STUPID it BURNS.
Ian: She was a virgin, ye know.
Jenny: I kicked Black Jack Randall in the nuts and laughed at his impotence. And ye're still an idiot.
Claire *feels like she's found a home at last.*
***
Ian: After I lost my leg I felt that I dinnae have anything to offer a woman, but Jenny insisted on marrying me.
Reader: Jamie still the woobie?
Author: Don't worry, I'm just giving Jamie a bit of a break before the big stuff.
***
Jamie: Yer mother and I want yer son to be my new stablehand.
MACNAB, DRUNKEN FARMER: No, I'd rather take him home and beat the shit out of him.
Jamie: Let me put it this way: What would ye rather be rid of, yer son or yer liver?
MacNab: Fine, I'll just go betray ye to the English, then. *betrays Jamie to the English*
***
Jamie *is taken prisoner.*
Jenny: C'mon Claire, time to go find him!
Claire: ...But you have a newborn baby at home.
Jenny: I'm gonna find my brother and nobody stop me! Oh, hi, MURTAGH, JAMIE'S GODFATHER. Ye take over from here, I'll go home and breastfeed.
***
Part six: The Search
Murtagh and Claire travel from village to village trying to find Jamie.
MESSENGER: Psst, there's a tall Viking type wanting to talk to you.
Claire: Jamie!!!
Dougal: Hello there! Jamie's in prison waiting to be executed. Why don't ye marry me instead?
Claire: Yeah, right, like I want to be sloppy seconds after Geillie Duncan.
Dougal: Well, she's dead anyway. And ye should totally take my word for that, even though I'm a lying bastard. It will in no way come back to bite ye in another book.
Claire: Well, I can't say I'm sorry. Except for her baby, it's bound to grow up weird, with a witch for a mother and a two-timing bastard for a father. Btw, I figured out that you slept with your brother's wife as well.
Dougal: Only because he TOLD me to! It was really boring, but I'd do ANYTHING for him. ANYTHING AT ALL!
Claire: Your family is so fucking weird.
Dougal: Speaking of fucking, what do ye say, will ye do me? We cannae help Jamie, after all.
Claire: How about you fuck yourself, and I go save Jamie?
***
Part seven: Sanctuary
GOVERNOR FLETCHER: Well, it's very nice of a lady like you to take an interest in the fate of the prisoners.
Claire: Oh, goodie, never mind me when I sneak around in the corridors trying to find Jamie. *Kills a guard on the way.*
Jamie is chained to the wall and has had his hand crushed by a gleeful Black Jack Randall. A paragraph is spent detailing the injury.
Reader: Ew.
Author: Told you I was loading up for the big stuff!
***
Claire: Okay, let me get you out of here and then I can kill Black Jack Randall!
Black Jack Randall (with henchman): WTF are you doing here? Never mind, I'll have some fun killing you before I continue with him.
Jamie: Will you let Claire go if I let you rape me?
Black Jack Randall: Hmm, maybe... but just as a sign of good faith, let me do this. *Nails Jamie's wounded hand to the table* Kiss me now!
Reader: ...You know, this is really taking the resident woobie thing too far.
Author *smirks*
Black Jack Randall: Go away, wife, it's SEXYTIMES!
***
WOLF: GRRRR I KILL YOU NOW!
Claire: Not if I kill you first, you bad bad doggie! With my bare hands and all!
Murtagh & friends: Hey, let's send a stampede of cattle through the prison!
COWS: MOOOOH.
Jamie: Okay, that beating, burning, sodomizing and branding has got to me, 'cause I hear cows.
Author *lovingly describes Jamie's injuries for several pages.*
Reader: OKAY! OKAY! JAMIE IS THE WOOBIE! JESUS CHRIST!
Claire binds his wounds.
MACRANNOCH, a random Highlander: Good news! Black Jack Randall is dead. Ye should totally take my word for that, even though I've never seen Randall before and there were more people in the prison. It will in no way come back to bite ye in another book.
Claire: Oh, goody!
***
They escape across the English channel to France.
Jamie *pukes his guts out*
Claire: He's seasick too? You've GOT to be kidding me.
ABBOT ALEXANDER, Jamie's uncle: Welcome! I'm a Fraser, so I won't try to screw you over like the MacKenzies did.
Jamie *Keeps puking his guts out and has horrible dreams about being whipped to death and beyond.*
FATHER ANSELM: So, grace requires that the recipient fully accepts the grace...
Claire: You're absolutely right, Jamie needs help to get over his trauma.
Father Anselm: ...I thought we were discussing spiritual salvation?
***
Jamie: Oh, Sassenach, he did such HORRIBLE THINGS to me, which I now tell you about in detail! I will hate the scent of his perfume FOREVER! Also, gay people are HORRIBLE AND ICKY.
READER: Gee, I do hope no morally upstanding, likeable gay man ever falls in love with him. Say in book #3.
***
Claire *prays*.
Jamie *hallucinates*.
Monks: Time for the last rites!
Claire: NO! Time to imitate Black Jack Randall! A bit of my memories of him, a bit of what Jamie told me, a bit of Frank, a bit of swearing, and my English accent to top it off. Plus of course a smidgeon of actual physical abuse.
Jamie (feverish and drugged): Please don't!
Claire: Fight!
Jamie *not fighting*
Claire *smears Jamie's blood on her lips*: Kiss me now!
Jamie: RRRRRARRRR! *Throws Claire across the room and fights her for a while before he passes out and his fever goes down.*
Reader: The ”comfort” bit of this h/c is as saddening as the ”hurt”...
***
Claire: I would like to make a confession.
Father Anselm: About what?
Claire: About EVERYTHING.
Father Anselm: Yay, a miracle! Unfortunately, I don't have a manual for ”time travel”. Hmm, let me think... I don't think your actions in this plot are sinful. Concerning the future, your actions affect it, but so do mine or anyone else's. Despite evidence to the contrary, this isn't Doctor Who, and you don't have to worry about fixed points in time.
Claire: Good.
Reader: Doesn't mean you're going to change them, honey.
***
Jamie: Aw, look at my scarred but mostly functional hand!
Claire: I'm so sorry I couldn't do better!
Jamie: ...What are you, on crack? I'm alive and in one piece, thanks to you. What more could you possibly give me?
Claire: How about a baby?
***
THE END
***
Reader: Hang on, that didn't even solve half the things...
Author: Next book!
Reader: Do you promise?
Author *snickers and runs away*.
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