Dude, I know exactly how you feel. I tend to fall in love with/be attracted to guys who seem unattainable in one way or another, and if it turns out that the interest is returned, well, then it's just a matter of time before I loose my interest. Somehow, I always manage to feel a bit of contempt for anyone who shows interest in me, I see a million reasons for why he's not suitable for me, and I almost always think that they're really interested in someone who's not me, that they have an idea of me that doesn't match reality, and that's what they're really interested in. Because of this, I've never managed to have or maintain a serious relationship at the age of 29, either.
I've figured that this was because I'm afraid of love and of commitment. When I was a kid, I used to be in unhealthy friendships, where the other kid was totally dominating me, and making me feel bad about myself. Somehow, I think I'm afraid of ending up in relationships like that, and I dump at the very first sign of that kind of behaviour, rather than "showing him where the table should stand". I guess I just don't trust myself to stand up for myself, even though I'm not the same person as I was as a kid, so I just dump as quickly as possible instead. I've also grown up in my parents miserable marriage, and would rather die than ending up in a relationship like that.
But I also know exactly what you mean about needing space. Most relationships don't really allow that kind of space I need, friendships do, so I stick with that. I get tired of anyone I have to spend 24 hours a day together with. I don't see I that could work.
And yet, sometimes I really feel that it would be great to find someone who could love me for who I am, and wwho could accept a relationship with the amount of space I need. Maybe it's society's brainwashing agenda about coupling, that has implanted that longing in me, but I don't really think so.
Another thing that makes this a problem for me is that I really, really would like child/children. And here is something weird, because I want a child, and I want said child to have a father, yet, I just can't manage to see me as anything but a single mum. I want a child without the husband-bagage, I can image letting a child into my life, and laying claims on my freedom and integrity, but I get angry on the idea of a grown man doing the same. Contradictions, contradictions...
and if it turns out that the interest is returned, well, then it's just a matter of time before I loose my interest. Somehow, I always manage to feel a bit of contempt for anyone who shows interest in me
The Howl approach: "It's only fun as long as they're not in love" combined with the Groucho approach: "I don't want to be a member of any club that'd have me as a member." Yeah.
When I was a kid, I used to be in unhealthy friendships, where the other kid was totally dominating me, and making me feel bad about myself.
Ouch. I was lucky that way - most of my friendships were just fine, if not very close. I was very surprised when my mother revealed that they hadn't let me skip a year of school because I was poorly socialized already; I had never seen myself as poorly socialized or my friends as few. I liked being with them, just not all the time.
Another thing that makes this a problem for me is that I really, really would like child/children.
That is a problem. I think being a single parent is difficult due to the sheer work load - if youdon't have an SO, it's still good to have someone else who's willing to share the work, and such people can be hard to find.
Fortunately, though I love children, I don't really have an urge to get any at this point - I like being able to return them once I'm done with them. :-)
Yeah. Your parents thought you were poorly socialised because of that?? O.O
I think being a single parent is difficult due to the sheer work load - if youdon't have an SO, it's still good to have someone else who's willing to share the work, and such people can be hard to find.
Yeah exactly. For the work load and for financial reasons it would be difficult and then... I don't know if this is only due to societal conventions or if it's something more deeply rooted than that, but children tend to want both a mother and a father so, if possible (which it isn't always, of course), I'd like to be able to give that. It would be absolutely great if I could find a gay man (or couple), or a friend of mine who would be willing to be a part-time parent, but it would really have to be the right person, considering what a big task raising a child is, so in the end, I think that might be just as hard as finding a SO you want children with.
I like being able to return them once I'm done with them. :-)
Heh. That's why I would love to be an aunt, too. How is it where you live? Do most people in your aquaintance/age have children yet or not?
I've figured that this was because I'm afraid of love and of commitment. When I was a kid, I used to be in unhealthy friendships, where the other kid was totally dominating me, and making me feel bad about myself. Somehow, I think I'm afraid of ending up in relationships like that, and I dump at the very first sign of that kind of behaviour, rather than "showing him where the table should stand". I guess I just don't trust myself to stand up for myself, even though I'm not the same person as I was as a kid, so I just dump as quickly as possible instead. I've also grown up in my parents miserable marriage, and would rather die than ending up in a relationship like that.
But I also know exactly what you mean about needing space. Most relationships don't really allow that kind of space I need, friendships do, so I stick with that. I get tired of anyone I have to spend 24 hours a day together with. I don't see I that could work.
And yet, sometimes I really feel that it would be great to find someone who could love me for who I am, and wwho could accept a relationship with the amount of space I need. Maybe it's society's brainwashing agenda about coupling, that has implanted that longing in me, but I don't really think so.
Another thing that makes this a problem for me is that I really, really would like child/children. And here is something weird, because I want a child, and I want said child to have a father, yet, I just can't manage to see me as anything but a single mum. I want a child without the husband-bagage, I can image letting a child into my life, and laying claims on my freedom and integrity, but I get angry on the idea of a grown man doing the same. Contradictions, contradictions...
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The Howl approach: "It's only fun as long as they're not in love" combined with the Groucho approach: "I don't want to be a member of any club that'd have me as a member." Yeah.
When I was a kid, I used to be in unhealthy friendships, where the other kid was totally dominating me, and making me feel bad about myself.
Ouch. I was lucky that way - most of my friendships were just fine, if not very close. I was very surprised when my mother revealed that they hadn't let me skip a year of school because I was poorly socialized already; I had never seen myself as poorly socialized or my friends as few. I liked being with them, just not all the time.
Another thing that makes this a problem for me is that I really, really would like child/children.
That is a problem. I think being a single parent is difficult due to the sheer work load - if youdon't have an SO, it's still good to have someone else who's willing to share the work, and such people can be hard to find.
Fortunately, though I love children, I don't really have an urge to get any at this point - I like being able to return them once I'm done with them. :-)
Reply
Yeah. Your parents thought you were poorly socialised because of that?? O.O
I think being a single parent is difficult due to the sheer work load - if youdon't have an SO, it's still good to have someone else who's willing to share the work, and such people can be hard to find.
Yeah exactly. For the work load and for financial reasons it would be difficult and then... I don't know if this is only due to societal conventions or if it's something more deeply rooted than that, but children tend to want both a mother and a father so, if possible (which it isn't always, of course), I'd like to be able to give that. It would be absolutely great if I could find a gay man (or couple), or a friend of mine who would be willing to be a part-time parent, but it would really have to be the right person, considering what a big task raising a child is, so in the end, I think that might be just as hard as finding a SO you want children with.
I like being able to return them once I'm done with them. :-)
Heh. That's why I would love to be an aunt, too. How is it where you live? Do most people in your aquaintance/age have children yet or not?
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