You know you're messed up in the head when...
you have fantasies about being abused and then punishing the abusers. Especially when the fantasies are directed at your own parents, who would rather die than see any harm come to you.
It's what it all comes down to; all my behavior problems, all my clashes with my parents that have happened in the past and still happen. I can't believe I'm actually typing out this sentence, but I think I wish I was abused by my parents so can I punish them.
Oh, I've been bullied before. Fifth grade was the worst of it. But if anything, I did more abusing than recieving abuse, what with my profanity-laced tirades against the other kids.
And you know what the worst part of it is? It still wasn't enough for me. It's never enough to yell hurtful and derogatory words at my family. I have to hurt them physically, wether by screeching the words out or by the more standard physical violence. I've threatened my parents with a bo staff before. I'm fairly certain that I'm the reason that we don't have ammo in the house.
God in Heaven help me, for I am a sadist. And I so ashamed of that fact. It has caused nothing but grief for me. I don't even know if I can say I truly love my family if I want to hurt them so much. I don't want to be like this anymore.
It's what it all comes down to; all my behavior problems, all my clashes with my parents that have happened in the past and still happen. I can't believe I'm actually typing out this sentence, but I think I wish I was abused by my parents so can I punish them.
Oh, I've been bullied before. Fifth grade was the worst of it. But if anything, I did more abusing than recieving abuse, what with my profanity-laced tirades against the other kids.
And you know what the worst part of it is? It still wasn't enough for me. It's never enough to yell hurtful and derogatory words at my family. I have to hurt them physically, wether by screeching the words out or by the more standard physical violence. I've threatened my parents with a bo staff before. I'm fairly certain that I'm the reason that we don't have ammo in the house.
God in Heaven help me, for I am a sadist. And I so ashamed of that fact. It has caused nothing but grief for me. I don't even know if I can say I truly love my family if I want to hurt them so much. I don't want to be like this anymore.