political... stuff?
Yeah so I'm Chinese. Born in the US, I consider NYC my hometown. But I mean, I go to China every year to visit my grandparents, and basically my entire family lives in China, and my generation's the only one that was born outside of the country. I can speak both English and Chinese, the latter being worse than the former, but I can understand basically what everyone says.
I'm completely American, and I hate how I can't relate to the kids my age in China. I mean, of course the two cultures are different, but I always sort of thought that Chinese kids were all studious and completely disassociated myself with anything a Chinese teenager might be. Like, I used to have this group of friends in China, some kids I played with when I was a baby, and I met a few of them a year or two ago, and it was like. I dunno. Whenever I go there I feel like I've gone to an entire other world, a world that's part of me but not. China's always been a vacation spot, a kind of step back from reality for me, where I can relax among family and feel at home, and then I go back to New York and it's back to my normal life, where I hang out with my friends and freak out about college like any other American teenager. I always have this image of China being very slow in modernizing compared to the Western countries, and though I get this burst of pride whenever I go to Shanghai and see a city that can compete with NYC, it's always got that extra burden in my mind.
I don't want to be like that, though. I mean, a friend of mine has recently started sending me Chinese songs and I've been really getting into them, wanting to immerse myself in that part of me. I mean, I've always been proud, in a way? of China's development and the such, but I've never actually gone into it myself. I've always thought that the customs there were strange; I mean, they wouldn't be called customs, but rather the way they act. I'm talking about the teenagers, 'course. Like, the way that they wear freaking Mickey Mouse on their shirts when they're obviously in their mid-teens, and the sheer prude-ness that they approach the other sex with. I MEAN, GUYS DON'T HAVE COOTIES ANYMORE?
I actually have no idea what I'm writing about, but I think I'm getting at something? I want to be able to identify with both cultures. I sort-of-do, 'cause I have spent a good portion of my life in China, about 2 months every year, and I can understand where most of the customs come from, and conform to a good deal of them myself. I just sort of distance myself from the ones that I believe to be childish, or just plain weird, and prefer to embrace the American side of it. I guess then, I have a really good deal, and can pick and choose whichever parts of both cultures that I want to incorporate in myself. Wait no, I was going somewhere with that.
Oh yeah.
MY MOTHER. IS SO FUCKING PATRIOTIC, IT'S INSANE. I get interested in politics from time to time, and whenever I ask her about it, all innocent-like and not knowing jack shit about the actual politics, fresh with the knowledge of the horrible things communism has done or prompted or whatever, and she gets so heated up and all CHINA-IS-THE-BEST-KTHX and it just irritates me so much I can't talk to her after. I know it's probably 'cause of the anti-communist/anti-China stuff in the media lately, but it's just so fucking annoying I can't stand it. So anyhow, I've been wanting to learn about Chinese history, 'cause I'm in absolute love with history and we don't learn Chinese history in class. Soo, since my school has the IB program, diploma candidates have to write an Extended Essay in our topic of choice, 4k words plus all the knick-knacks that come with a formal essay. I chose History, and was thinking how interesting it would be to do it on a part of China's history. I figure, I could get tons of primary sources when I go back to China in two months, and I'd get a good grade and learn about the history of my blood, more or less. So I go home and talk to my mom about it, putting out topics ranging from the Qing dynasty to the effects of communism in present-day China.
AND THEN SHE GOES AND BLABBERS ON ABOUT HOW UNFAIR THE US AND EUROPE ARE BEING TO CHINA, IN REGARDS TO TIBET. And then gives a heartrending story about some girl who stood up to her teacher who was all Free Tibet and converted some students. LIKE WHAT THE FUCK. I never get into political discussions at my school 'cause it's all too controversial, and since we're the United Nations school there are like fifty billion views on everything. Plus, I've got the views that I've gathered from school in one ear, and the patriotism that my mom's screaming at my in another ear, so I never really have a proper opinion on anything. I guess I should have an opinion, but it's just too hard for me to choose. I mean, as I've said before, I'm immersed in America and a lot of its views and such, but my entire family (or at least, mother's side) is so pro-China and those two things often conflict it's like wtf am I supposed to do, take sides? I mean, naturally I get defensive if some person's being like, "Oh yeah dude, China's motherfuckingretarded and dictator-like", but the whole thing with Tibet and Taiwan? Whatever, man. Every time I dip my toes into a conversation that has anything to do with that, the other side always gets heated up and all OMGCOMMUNIST it's just not fucking worth it. Come back when you grow a brain and are ready to have a mature conversation.
I'M JUST SO SICK OF IT. I try to be a part of my fucking culture, try to actually learn something, and she goes on a tirade about CHINA VS REST OF THE WORLD. You know what. I don't give a flying fuck anymore, globalization needs to hurry the fuck up and end all this culture shit.
MMKAY SO I'M JUST WRITING THIS TO RELIEVE SOME PENT-UP BITCHING. And it's completely uncensored, so if you're a bigoted fucktard who thinks that I'm some communist who should be tried and executed McCarthy-style, then please fuck off :] You obviously don't know how to read. I'm not expecting some sudden influx of complicated political/social discussion either, it's just a venting process. But if you've read this all, then I do indeedy love you <3
...owait. Could this whole identity thing be a good college essay, or is it too cliché?