The Universe
Sometimes I think the Universe has decided it wants to punish me for some unknown to me wrong I have done at some point in my past. Sometimes I think the world has decided that it is fun to play with me and does things just because I deserve some kind of torture or something. First, the universe brings Trent back from 15 year old self past, gives me a month with him, three perfect days with him and then takes him from me. This isn't the first time the universe has given me a small view of the love I so much desire only to take it away from within days of me having it. It is like... the universe wants to remind me that it does exsist just to keep me remembering that I don't have it. No matter what Trent thinks, our relationship was meant to be, just like everything that happens is meant to be. I don't believe in accidents, unintentional happenings or even "forced" events. Things happen for a reason.... there was a reason for our relationship and a purpose. I don't know what it is yet other then to further torture me at this point and maybe that was the only point but God I hope not. The only thing keeping me alive right now is that there HAS to be something more then all of this...right? There has to be meaning beyond all this? Surely the universe just isn't torturing me for no reason, out of pure fun? Sometimes I think it is...
Took my daughter to basketball tonight, walked into the courts and sure enough, John is there Reffing... I swear, no matter how hard I try, I can't escape that fucking man. Again, I think the universe is trying to torture me. I changed jobs and I run into him at the gas station. I delete his number and I run into him at fucking basketball. Really? God? Really? When is my pain enough? When have I had enough pain? Can I just stop now? Can the universe just stop now? Does it really have to keep reminding me that I am not wanted by John, by Trent, by anyone? Do I really have to be reminded how worthless, I really am all the fucking time? Do I really have to to be reminded of how I meant nothing to Trent....to John? How I wasn't loved? How Trent is going on with his life, with his beautiful wife (who cheated on him but you know whatever) who is probably more amazing then I will ever be? Do I really need to sit across a fucking basketball gym and need to watch John laugh and joke around with the guys and be all fucking happy while I am fucking miserable? In that moment....I will admit I HATED him....I hated them both. I hated the them for being able to move on...for just being able to forget me so easily. For being able to just drop me like yesterday's trash and for not missing me...for not hurting..for not thinking of me in that moment. I hated them treating me like I was worthless, like I meant so little in their life. How do people just drop someone and move on? In that moment, I hated the universe....in that moment.....I wanted to die. I am so tired of feeling, I am so tired of being tortured, I am so tired of thinking, of remembering, so tired of crying, so tired of feeling like I am pathetic, worthless......
I hate the universe tonight...