Moments that Haunt
Most days I do okay. Most days I get through my day, staying busy enough that I don't think about things. I don't think about the feeling of deep loss that is always there in the back of my mind. I don't think about the thoughts I have every single day, the questions that run through my mind every time I let myself think on it even just for a moment. At moments I still don't even know how I let this happen.... how I even let myself get to this place. I think back on June and July, and I still question what it was about Trent that made me put me down my walls. What was it that me throw caution to the wind and just jump into something that I knew would end exactly like this. What was it that made me trust him when I swore I would never ever trust someone like that ever again? What was it that made me get on that plane? Was it that I knew him when I was 15? Was it that I was vulnerable because I was still hurting because of John? Was it because he just that good at pretending to be something that he wasn't? I still don't understand that after everything I have been through, after everything I've experienced and everything that I have learned about myself and about how people can be... how I could of allowed myself to end up standing in that hotel room in Arizona. I don't understand how a person can spend so many days and nights telling someone they love you, just to to throw you away like you mean nothing basically the next day. No matter what I do, no matter how I try to process it, no matter how I try to reconcile it with what I know or what he tells me.... I can't make sense of that time and my time in Arizona with him and how he has acted since August. It just doesn't make sense to me. How does someone do that to someone? How does someone act that way? I will never understand Arizona.... When I close my eyes and when I allow myself to think of it... I get flashes of those days and my heart aches... Not really because I want him back, but because I miss that Trent. I miss how that Trent treated me. Most of all, I miss how that Trent cared about me, I miss how I was important to that Trent. I don't like the feeling of feeling like I am discarded trash to him. Used up and discarded trash. Someone he supposedly love but no longer does.
A friend of mine has told me many times that when you have sex with someone that you leave a part of you with them....and they with you. I feel that more then ever now. Every day...I almost feel haunted by Trent. Even when I am busy...even when I am not thinking about him... he is still there. Then in moments when I am quiet, moments when I am forced to slow down and pause... moments where a song comes on the radio or a moment where everything around me stops just for a second.... my heart starts to ache suddenly and Trent comes to my mind again, and I am forced to close my eyes as the memories resurface. I am forced to let tears out because it hurts. It hurts to be haunted by questions, by falsehoods, by lies, by feelings of worthlessness, by feelings of being used, by being discarded, by memories that you don't understand anymore.... He haunts me, the memories haunt me... every day. The more our "friendship" falls apart, the more and more it becomes a barely visible post-it note friendship and the more he shows me that I am truly not important to him...the more my I question my memories of this summer. The more he shows me that I mean nothing to him by distancing himself from me by giving me surface conversations when he used to share his heart with me... the more I feel that I truly meant nothing this summer. If he truly loved me.... he would't be able to just distant himself like this. Love doesn't work like that. If you love someone.... you can't just forget they exist. He haunts me.... I will never be able to forget that he exists.....ever. I don't have that privilege. I am stuck because left a part of himself with me in Arizona in every sense of the word... and I truly will never be able to escape that. I know this and maybe that is why he is always there. Even as months go by, even as upcoming spring events passes in a few months....that will mean he will be ever more present in my life. I will always be reminded of those summer months. I will always have a reminder of him. Every time I am reminded, it hurts that I feel immediately like discarded trash. It hurts that I question everything. I still don't understand how it is even October.... How did we get from July to October? I feel so lost.... How did this even happen? How was I so stupid? How did I trust in him? I can't believe I let this happen....
Sex leaves a part of you with them....and they with you. I made a choice and I accept my choice but some days are harder then others. The memories, the feeling of being discarded, the haunting... I miss my friend.
The one person I want to tell is the one person I can't tell......
I miss being someone he loved...
or at the very least....I miss being someone that mattered.