(no subject)

[katsbitch]

I had yet another fight with my mother just now. we just can't seem to get along anymore. same old story as it always is. she has no confidence in me and puts her own insecurities on me because I am the only other girl in the family. she is a reverse sexist. i blame this for why she ended up in a bad marriage. yeah he is an asshole, but she should have known to get out earlier. she has such confidence whenever ben wants to do anything. this is all coming because my dad promised to get me a car forn next semester for my internship that i have been promised i would have for the third year in the row. i have to have it next semester becaus ei am graduating next semester. it is now or i am fuckked. i dont even know exactly what i want to do with my life. this would really really help me figure this out. fuck if she cares. she thinks i should wait for this summer so i can take an internship in florida. let me tell you something about my mother. whenever she wants something done it gets done whenver she procastinates or says thi shit it never fucking happens. i also dont want to spend my summer over there. i didnt want to come to school here. it was cheap. they didnt want me to take out loans. ben took out loans and went against their wishes. he is happy and thye got iver it. he has a while to pay it back. i had so much fun in auburn there was actually shit to do. can she really not see how unhappy i am? she thinks i am just having a bad day. thias is what i get fir lying to her all these years. i actually say how i feel about his stupid school and she doesn't believe me. i am just always supposed to be happy with my mother. i am not allowed to complain about my dad until she wants to and then it is ok. i am the child she calls for hours on end to complain about her life but am i the favoriote? no. ben is. ben also has a car. why does he have a car? because he took out loans and had them pay for a meal plan. i worked and paid for groceries and dorm room. i dont hate ben dont get me wrong. i am just taking notes. fuck my mom. i dont want to end up like her. and another thing. she really doesn't know me. i have learned how to do alot of shit over he past two months that i never knew ho to do before. i know how to cook numerous dishes that are pretty good, i can start a car if the battery dies. m i go to thanksgiving and she is like.. oh, does he know you can;t cook? i can cook. every time i try to cook with her she just takes over. i told her this one time and she just laughed and said she liked to do it all. alright then but dont tell me i didnt try to do anything. she thought i broke up with lev because i am too confrontational. she met him one time for fuckign 5 minutes. you know what lev said to me that caused this break up? you're pretty but is that enough? then he calls me the next day like nothing happened. i told him to suck it. i have been extremely confrontational with patrick over the summer w, with tahir weeks ago, with everyone that pisses me of.. when you say what you feel you feel better and people generally respect you more. you shoudlnt personally attack unless they do it to you first, but always stick up for yourself. on this level my mom embarrassed me growing up. i took things so personally. i am my dad;'s favorite child because i show the least interest in him. that is how he operates. he knows i wont talk to him ever if he pisses me off. she is so fucking passive. i would rather be single my whole life and live in a shit house then stay with some guy because i need his money. he knew he had the power in that relationship,. you can only play the victim card so much. she could have gottne another job years ago. none of us have been kids for awhile now. she has repeatedly told me i look heavy over the years " so i don't end up like her". no sorry i hurt you that was wrong . i can see how that messed with your head in high school. oh no. she thinks i am selfish and never needed medicine. she is homophobic. she voted for bush and thinks he is a good president. she hates hillary clinton for no reason. whenevr she thinks i am not listening it is not because i am ridiculous it is because i dont have a teachable spirit. i shouldnt cuss but if she as a bad day and wants to that ids fine. she expects me to have a kid. not as much pressure, on this for josh and ben. she tells me how ugly other women look. she makes me doubt my abilities. i am going backpackign with noah and then to ahmed's for christmas. this is the way it si going to be/ i never have fun seeing her anymore. she thought this girl who was adopted and cut herself was a reason to not adopt because those kids apaprently have more problems. she thought this girl who got therapy when i was in 5th grade was troubled. not in a symaptheic way. in a gossip kind of way. that is why i was ashamed to go to therapy because i knew how wshe fealt. then she would try to talk to the therapist about her problems in there. she always wanted me to say what we talked about in there, totally ignoring the patent confidentiality agreement. she thought it was ok for this pastor to tell this girl to get over her greif after being molested as akid because he apparently didnt dismiss the girl's feeling s but was telling her nicely wht she needed to hear to m,ve forward. perhaps i am hypersensitive to a degree. perhaps i am a little more observant than the majority of women nowadays. she critices my driving. she tells me every time wa girl gets pregnant how she will never het her body back but then i am supposed to want to have kids. i fucking need to get the hell out of dodge. where? i don't care anymore. not with my family. it is time to move on.

i apologize for how long this venting was. it was rather therapeutic and i still have alot more holed up in me but i will hold back. i feel better now. she never apologizes though . that is why i dont tell her the list of 43 things she said over theyears that i don't have closure about. it doesn't matter . there is no apology. that is why most of our phone calls end in me haning up on her. she can tell someone else her problems. she si the one who needs to move forward. dad has. why the hell would you marry someone where there is no passion? i want to feel- pain laughter, anything. i longed to be held as a kid from my dad and it didnt happen. that is why i was s awkward around men, but i am better now. i know how the dynamics work. what to accept, what not to.