I am retarded.
That's right. It's 1:25 am, and where am I? Downstairs on the couch,
playing online, reading, watching TV, anything to get my stupid mind
off of throwing up.
We went out to eat tonight. I don't know if my stomach is upset because I have mildish food poisoning, because I've eaten nothing but crap all day, because I put a new NuvaRing in yesterday, or if it's alllll in my head.
Such are the joys of emetophobia.
Phobia : an anxiety disorder that is characterized by an intense and, at least on the surface, irrational fear.
Therefore, 90% of people who say that they are arachnophobic are actually just scared of spiders. If they were phobic, the anxiety caused by seeing one or WORRYING about seeing one would affect their everyday life.
Emetophobia is the 7th most common phobia amongst Americans, though most people don't know it exists. I didn't, until about 3 years ago. My mum has it too, which is probably where I got it from, considering that phobias have genetic factors.
I wish I didn't have it. Fearing of eating or doing anything that could possibly make me sick DOES affect me day to day. I avoid certain foods. When people around me have a stomach virus, I get very selfish. Don't expect me to be in the same room (or on the same floor for that matter) with you, wipe your face, or bring you ANYTHING until you have been free of the pukage for at least 12 hours. I've explained this to Jason. I've told him it's nothing personal, and to please not get his feelings hurt the first time it happens. It's just something that I simply cannot help.
I do this wake up in the middle of the night and freak out because I feel mildly nauseous thing 2 or 3 times a month. It sucks, because then I'm tired all the next day. My muscles hurt from being so tense. NO ONE except my mother understands my fear, and it's only 6:30 am in Texas right now-too early to call her in the summer.
My doctor is cool. He keeps me on a running prescription of Phenergan. His wife is emetophobic, so he understands. The crazy thing is, I rarely take it. It's just my security blanket, knowing that I have it (Phenergan is the strongest prescribed anti-emetic. It'll knock you on your ass, but you sure as hell will not be throwing up).
I know how crazy "I have a fear of vomiting" makes me sound. Hell, I could cry right now just thinking about it. Or maybe it's just because I'm tired, and I want to go upstairs, crawl back into bed, and cuddle with my best friend in all of this world, but I can't. I have to wait until 3 am, which my therapist used to refer to as my "safety hour" (meaning as long as I can remember, I've never gotten sick after 3am, so if I can go until then, I'm good). Another hour and 20 minutes.
I KNOW how crazy I sound, believe me. I'm a Psych major for God's sake. I know exactly what phobis are, possible causes of them, and what triggers them. Somehow, that hasn't been able to stop me from HAVING one. Unfortunately.
The average person gets a stomach virus ever 9-18 months. The average emetophobe gets one every 9-15 YEARS. It's because we've trained ourselves to just NOT GET SICK. It's not involuntary, like most people think. There's a center at the back of your brain which triggers it. If you can learn to exercise control over this, you can force yourself not to get sick. It's actually not dangerous to keep from throwing up either-unless you have alcohol poisoning. That's the ONLY time it needs to come up. Even with food poisoning it's not important, because by the time it'd start making you feel sick, it'd have already absorbed into your bloodstream. The mind is an amazing thing.
I haven't thrown up in 12 years, since I was 9 years old. My mum hasn't since 1980, and doubts she ever will again. She's taken care of me, my brother, and my step-dad when we were sick, and never caught anything. I have a feeling I'm going to be the same way. It's like your mind knows that you wouldn't be able to handle it very well, so your body just spares you.
Yet I still freak out. It makes me feel crazy, and I can't believe that I have such an irrational fear that affects me so strongly. I hate it. HATE IT. I know that no one LIKES getting sick, but I wish I could just be like normal people whom it doesn't faze.
I used to talk about it with my therapist-a LOT. He was flippant about it, saying that there were many WORSE things that could be wrong with me, and if I had devices that worked for me (the Phenergan, my "safety hour", reading a book because I KNOW that if I was actually sick, reading would be a BIG no no-the movement of your eyes makes you feel worse) then I shouldn't stress over the phobia itself. I suppose he was right. I just wish still that I didn't have to deal with it. It sucks.
For some odd reason, talking about it helps. I LIKE talking about it. If I can explain it in full to someone and get them to understand, at least partly, somehow that makes me feel less crazy. It also helps me realize how silly it sounds to be worrying about such a thing-which helps me to snap out of it.
That's what my mum was good for. She tell me, "Kris, you are NOT sick. You need to fucking stop this RIGHT NOW." While tht might seem mean...it's the only thing that can pull me out. Coddling and being sympathetic doesn't work.
Anyway. I'm sorry I made this whole big long post about throwing up. I mean really, EW. If you made it throught the whole thing, next time I'm close to where you live, I'll buy you a drink (though I couldn't join you-I rarely drink because I don't know what my limit is, and how much would make me throw up. Heh.).
I'll most likely feel stupid for writing this later, and delete it. For now...it was just so I could talk about it and keep my mind off of feeling yucky for a while.
Fifty minutes to go.
We went out to eat tonight. I don't know if my stomach is upset because I have mildish food poisoning, because I've eaten nothing but crap all day, because I put a new NuvaRing in yesterday, or if it's alllll in my head.
Such are the joys of emetophobia.
Phobia : an anxiety disorder that is characterized by an intense and, at least on the surface, irrational fear.
Therefore, 90% of people who say that they are arachnophobic are actually just scared of spiders. If they were phobic, the anxiety caused by seeing one or WORRYING about seeing one would affect their everyday life.
Emetophobia is the 7th most common phobia amongst Americans, though most people don't know it exists. I didn't, until about 3 years ago. My mum has it too, which is probably where I got it from, considering that phobias have genetic factors.
I wish I didn't have it. Fearing of eating or doing anything that could possibly make me sick DOES affect me day to day. I avoid certain foods. When people around me have a stomach virus, I get very selfish. Don't expect me to be in the same room (or on the same floor for that matter) with you, wipe your face, or bring you ANYTHING until you have been free of the pukage for at least 12 hours. I've explained this to Jason. I've told him it's nothing personal, and to please not get his feelings hurt the first time it happens. It's just something that I simply cannot help.
I do this wake up in the middle of the night and freak out because I feel mildly nauseous thing 2 or 3 times a month. It sucks, because then I'm tired all the next day. My muscles hurt from being so tense. NO ONE except my mother understands my fear, and it's only 6:30 am in Texas right now-too early to call her in the summer.
My doctor is cool. He keeps me on a running prescription of Phenergan. His wife is emetophobic, so he understands. The crazy thing is, I rarely take it. It's just my security blanket, knowing that I have it (Phenergan is the strongest prescribed anti-emetic. It'll knock you on your ass, but you sure as hell will not be throwing up).
I know how crazy "I have a fear of vomiting" makes me sound. Hell, I could cry right now just thinking about it. Or maybe it's just because I'm tired, and I want to go upstairs, crawl back into bed, and cuddle with my best friend in all of this world, but I can't. I have to wait until 3 am, which my therapist used to refer to as my "safety hour" (meaning as long as I can remember, I've never gotten sick after 3am, so if I can go until then, I'm good). Another hour and 20 minutes.
I KNOW how crazy I sound, believe me. I'm a Psych major for God's sake. I know exactly what phobis are, possible causes of them, and what triggers them. Somehow, that hasn't been able to stop me from HAVING one. Unfortunately.
The average person gets a stomach virus ever 9-18 months. The average emetophobe gets one every 9-15 YEARS. It's because we've trained ourselves to just NOT GET SICK. It's not involuntary, like most people think. There's a center at the back of your brain which triggers it. If you can learn to exercise control over this, you can force yourself not to get sick. It's actually not dangerous to keep from throwing up either-unless you have alcohol poisoning. That's the ONLY time it needs to come up. Even with food poisoning it's not important, because by the time it'd start making you feel sick, it'd have already absorbed into your bloodstream. The mind is an amazing thing.
I haven't thrown up in 12 years, since I was 9 years old. My mum hasn't since 1980, and doubts she ever will again. She's taken care of me, my brother, and my step-dad when we were sick, and never caught anything. I have a feeling I'm going to be the same way. It's like your mind knows that you wouldn't be able to handle it very well, so your body just spares you.
Yet I still freak out. It makes me feel crazy, and I can't believe that I have such an irrational fear that affects me so strongly. I hate it. HATE IT. I know that no one LIKES getting sick, but I wish I could just be like normal people whom it doesn't faze.
I used to talk about it with my therapist-a LOT. He was flippant about it, saying that there were many WORSE things that could be wrong with me, and if I had devices that worked for me (the Phenergan, my "safety hour", reading a book because I KNOW that if I was actually sick, reading would be a BIG no no-the movement of your eyes makes you feel worse) then I shouldn't stress over the phobia itself. I suppose he was right. I just wish still that I didn't have to deal with it. It sucks.
For some odd reason, talking about it helps. I LIKE talking about it. If I can explain it in full to someone and get them to understand, at least partly, somehow that makes me feel less crazy. It also helps me realize how silly it sounds to be worrying about such a thing-which helps me to snap out of it.
That's what my mum was good for. She tell me, "Kris, you are NOT sick. You need to fucking stop this RIGHT NOW." While tht might seem mean...it's the only thing that can pull me out. Coddling and being sympathetic doesn't work.
Anyway. I'm sorry I made this whole big long post about throwing up. I mean really, EW. If you made it throught the whole thing, next time I'm close to where you live, I'll buy you a drink (though I couldn't join you-I rarely drink because I don't know what my limit is, and how much would make me throw up. Heh.).
I'll most likely feel stupid for writing this later, and delete it. For now...it was just so I could talk about it and keep my mind off of feeling yucky for a while.
Fifty minutes to go.