feeling of stagnation, and the fear
Sometimes I feel anxious, and scared.
Not worrying about the pandemic.- The pandemic is worrying, of course, but I do everything I can do to avoid the infection and cannot do anything more than that. - But, well, this pandemic days have shown the serious problems clearer maybe.
Now in the third year of pandemic, I seldom go out nor meet people. Going to the office just once a week, usually just visiting the local supermarket and library, except these I spend all of my time at home. Though I live in rather a new, nice house with garden, I live with my mother so can talk with her anytime, and exchange messages with friends on internet and ordinary letters, have a cute rabbit in my room and funny cats in the garden. This is a quite fortunate, peaceful life in this difficult time. No infection yet, having the decent income, no natural disasters nor invasion of military power. Yes, I thank for these every day and have no complaint.
Still I feel uneasy. Every day things are the same, no new things, today is just like yesterday and tomorrow will surely be so. No surprise, no excitement, no emotion, no progress. The conversation with mother is relaxing but not much stimulative nor educative. I feel my sensitivity is becoming dull, feel like I'm not awake enough even in the daytime, and feel like my whole life is shrinking.
But how were my life and sense before this pandemic? Maybe they have been already shrinking, maybe because of my age, or because of my not-active, conservative, rather unsociable, and a bit lazy lifestyle. I knew this very well. And I notice my passion for foreign trips might have been the strong countermeasure against my natural standstill character. If I could have some ideals in my job, this life as an office worker might be more exciting. When I was younger it have been rather so. But things have terribly changed in the office, for years I have lost my enthusiasm and sympathy for the business the company I work for does. Though I can find some meaning and interest in my current tasks I can't help but saying this is a rather so-called "bullshit job" - not only mine but also most of the jobs in my team and company. I earn my living with this job so to me this job is important, but for the society? for the future?
Anyway I need to find the meaning of my life outside of my job. And I had tried to do in my foreign trips, in my Stevenson study, and other small, ordinary but nice activities mostly at home...at least before this pandemic. Maybe I should try to learn something new, or meet the new people though the current Covid19 situation is the great hindrance ... but I'm afraid that I might use this social situation as an excuse of my laziness. Actually, recently I have felt little motivation for various things I had enjoyed much in the past ... because of my age ? or from the mental tiredness caused by the pandemic and the social situation ???
I'm afraid I might be wasting the precious time in my life, especially in the pandemic, or, this fear might be unnecessary?
Not worrying about the pandemic.- The pandemic is worrying, of course, but I do everything I can do to avoid the infection and cannot do anything more than that. - But, well, this pandemic days have shown the serious problems clearer maybe.
Now in the third year of pandemic, I seldom go out nor meet people. Going to the office just once a week, usually just visiting the local supermarket and library, except these I spend all of my time at home. Though I live in rather a new, nice house with garden, I live with my mother so can talk with her anytime, and exchange messages with friends on internet and ordinary letters, have a cute rabbit in my room and funny cats in the garden. This is a quite fortunate, peaceful life in this difficult time. No infection yet, having the decent income, no natural disasters nor invasion of military power. Yes, I thank for these every day and have no complaint.
Still I feel uneasy. Every day things are the same, no new things, today is just like yesterday and tomorrow will surely be so. No surprise, no excitement, no emotion, no progress. The conversation with mother is relaxing but not much stimulative nor educative. I feel my sensitivity is becoming dull, feel like I'm not awake enough even in the daytime, and feel like my whole life is shrinking.
But how were my life and sense before this pandemic? Maybe they have been already shrinking, maybe because of my age, or because of my not-active, conservative, rather unsociable, and a bit lazy lifestyle. I knew this very well. And I notice my passion for foreign trips might have been the strong countermeasure against my natural standstill character. If I could have some ideals in my job, this life as an office worker might be more exciting. When I was younger it have been rather so. But things have terribly changed in the office, for years I have lost my enthusiasm and sympathy for the business the company I work for does. Though I can find some meaning and interest in my current tasks I can't help but saying this is a rather so-called "bullshit job" - not only mine but also most of the jobs in my team and company. I earn my living with this job so to me this job is important, but for the society? for the future?
Anyway I need to find the meaning of my life outside of my job. And I had tried to do in my foreign trips, in my Stevenson study, and other small, ordinary but nice activities mostly at home...at least before this pandemic. Maybe I should try to learn something new, or meet the new people though the current Covid19 situation is the great hindrance ... but I'm afraid that I might use this social situation as an excuse of my laziness. Actually, recently I have felt little motivation for various things I had enjoyed much in the past ... because of my age ? or from the mental tiredness caused by the pandemic and the social situation ???
I'm afraid I might be wasting the precious time in my life, especially in the pandemic, or, this fear might be unnecessary?