sweetness :)
so i guess our paths are, in fact, perpendicular and not parallel... as is usually the case in my life. i am growing up. maturing to a more nuanced response than my usual extremism. i think something really beautiful has happened without my realizing it. in the drama of my emotional turmoil, trying to make sense of my life, and trying to not be dragged around by my desires, i kinda lost sight of a lovely unfolding. i think i fell in love without realizing it, which is the only way i could have, since i was guarding/patrolling all of my entrances and exits! love had to sneak in like a ninja warrior in disguise! :D
this is delightful! i think it is really sweet. the fact that i am capable of feeling that way about someone again is a miracle. i honestly felt like an amputee, and that any "love" that might happen for the rest of my life would be like phantom limb syndrome, a shadow of a feeling in a heart that i no longer possessed. but that is not true! i, in fact, am in possession of a lovely, beating heart with a fierce pulse, a drumbeat. what i came to feel for him is actually stronger, deeper and more genuine than what i have ever felt or experienced before. i can see him for who and what he is, without illusion. it is not an infatuation based on who i want to believe that he is, what i would like him to be, not a projection of ideal traits onto an ordinary person that later leads to disillusionment and resentment. i see him, the good and bad and miscellaneous, and i value it and respect it. even the things i don't like, i somehow still love, which i think is very weird, but kinda cool. when i don't get swept away in the current of my own emotional drama or insecurity, i feel this warmth...even when he is cold. it doesn't matter, because the warmth is coming from me! whatever he brings to the surface, however he acts, even now his absence... there is something lovely about being able to feel that, to FEEL. i can feel this. i am present to this. i am loving this experience of myself, even though some of it is this feeling of separation, and some of it is jealous insecurity, and some of it is fear, underneath of all that and enveloping all of that is a peace, a really sweet feeling of excitement, just being so fucking happy that i am capable of feeling this at all! without reciprocity, without demands, without expectations. kinda silly and sad that i couldn't relax and let myself feel this until i knew that he was completely gone from me. love-in-retrospect. but i guess that's where i'm at, me and my fearfulness. :) i guess i have so many layers of fear around this, love/sex/men issue, that i can only take it one tiny piece at a time. so this piece, being able to allow myself to feel it... after the fact, when there is no need to act on it or express it, there is no rejection and no pain... just allowing myself to experience myself as a whole, restored emotional being that is capable of love, capable of holding that. not doing anything with it, just feeling it. what a sweet gift.
you know how i know this? :) i was talking to Him today and saying, "today is so perfect, just beautiful... tomorrow is one year sober. i feel happy, but i also feel this hollow place where there is a bittersweet feeling... what is this feeling? where did it come from?" He laughed at me (because God laughs!!!!, which is so cool! Jesus is my BFF! :D) and said, "you love him." and i feigned ignorance, "what? who? no i don't! that was just a bunch of..." G: "oh is it?" and showed me. how sweet. my little katrina-heart. it reminds me of helping jules with her valentines this year, when she made a special one for the boy she liked, watching that tiny and tender shoot of love begin to grow into what i hope will someday be a beautiful experience of mature love as an adult... i am just now having that same feeling, at 27. better late than never! i was too terrified as a child and most of my teenage years to feel anything about the opposite sex... that kind of attention was very threatening to me. part of the reason why i dated/slept with women. i wasn't able to start having romantic/sexual relationships with men until i was drinking and doing drugs. it was just too frightening, too many negative associations. so doing some emotional catch up work, i guess. that's so sweet! i am looking down at my hands, where my tender heart is beating, and thinking "AWWWWWW," but not in a bad way. as in, this is so sweet and pure and precious, it's authentic old-school katrina, innocent, before i learned about cynicism and fear. if i keep soing my work, i will be able to experience this more fully some day, perhaps. how awesome!
this is delightful! i think it is really sweet. the fact that i am capable of feeling that way about someone again is a miracle. i honestly felt like an amputee, and that any "love" that might happen for the rest of my life would be like phantom limb syndrome, a shadow of a feeling in a heart that i no longer possessed. but that is not true! i, in fact, am in possession of a lovely, beating heart with a fierce pulse, a drumbeat. what i came to feel for him is actually stronger, deeper and more genuine than what i have ever felt or experienced before. i can see him for who and what he is, without illusion. it is not an infatuation based on who i want to believe that he is, what i would like him to be, not a projection of ideal traits onto an ordinary person that later leads to disillusionment and resentment. i see him, the good and bad and miscellaneous, and i value it and respect it. even the things i don't like, i somehow still love, which i think is very weird, but kinda cool. when i don't get swept away in the current of my own emotional drama or insecurity, i feel this warmth...even when he is cold. it doesn't matter, because the warmth is coming from me! whatever he brings to the surface, however he acts, even now his absence... there is something lovely about being able to feel that, to FEEL. i can feel this. i am present to this. i am loving this experience of myself, even though some of it is this feeling of separation, and some of it is jealous insecurity, and some of it is fear, underneath of all that and enveloping all of that is a peace, a really sweet feeling of excitement, just being so fucking happy that i am capable of feeling this at all! without reciprocity, without demands, without expectations. kinda silly and sad that i couldn't relax and let myself feel this until i knew that he was completely gone from me. love-in-retrospect. but i guess that's where i'm at, me and my fearfulness. :) i guess i have so many layers of fear around this, love/sex/men issue, that i can only take it one tiny piece at a time. so this piece, being able to allow myself to feel it... after the fact, when there is no need to act on it or express it, there is no rejection and no pain... just allowing myself to experience myself as a whole, restored emotional being that is capable of love, capable of holding that. not doing anything with it, just feeling it. what a sweet gift.
you know how i know this? :) i was talking to Him today and saying, "today is so perfect, just beautiful... tomorrow is one year sober. i feel happy, but i also feel this hollow place where there is a bittersweet feeling... what is this feeling? where did it come from?" He laughed at me (because God laughs!!!!, which is so cool! Jesus is my BFF! :D) and said, "you love him." and i feigned ignorance, "what? who? no i don't! that was just a bunch of..." G: "oh is it?" and showed me. how sweet. my little katrina-heart. it reminds me of helping jules with her valentines this year, when she made a special one for the boy she liked, watching that tiny and tender shoot of love begin to grow into what i hope will someday be a beautiful experience of mature love as an adult... i am just now having that same feeling, at 27. better late than never! i was too terrified as a child and most of my teenage years to feel anything about the opposite sex... that kind of attention was very threatening to me. part of the reason why i dated/slept with women. i wasn't able to start having romantic/sexual relationships with men until i was drinking and doing drugs. it was just too frightening, too many negative associations. so doing some emotional catch up work, i guess. that's so sweet! i am looking down at my hands, where my tender heart is beating, and thinking "AWWWWWW," but not in a bad way. as in, this is so sweet and pure and precious, it's authentic old-school katrina, innocent, before i learned about cynicism and fear. if i keep soing my work, i will be able to experience this more fully some day, perhaps. how awesome!