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Apr 10, 2005 01:24

Wow i haven't posted in a long time...Life tends to get in the way you know...Well for starters...god i don't even know where to begin...i guess i'll just start where my mind is right now. I think in the past few months...maybe even the past year...i have hurt a lot of people, ruined some friendships that shouldn't have been ruined, done things or said things that in some way may have hurt people with out my knowing it. I have been doing a lot of thinking the past few days and ive realized that ive lost a lot of friends. I don't know if ive lost them all because of things ive done but you know it seems with all the thinks ive lost that i probably had some influence on it. Im not trying to throw a pity party for me or trying to get everyone to say "ohh katie theres nothing wrong with you" or "what are you talking about, its their loss" because in actuality it is my loss. I have lost some pretty great friends because i didn't think i needed them anymore, or i had met new people who i seemed to have more in common with, or for some other unknown reason that i probably thought was a good idea at the time...Someone said to me recently that i have burned a lot of bridges with people and at first i thought that was insane...im katie i've never done anything to hurt anyone was what i thought...but then i got to thinking...if some many people now seem to dislike me it is doubtful that there is something wrong with all of them and that the problem most likely lies with me and im now willing to take responsability for that. I just want to say that im sorry it took so long for me to realize this. Wow...i feel ive learned more about myself this past week than i have in a very long time.

I guess some of you may be wondering why all this began...why did katie all of the sudden have a complete 180 turn around...well here goes....

Torey broke up with me the wednesday before spring break..it hurt, i was sad and heart broken, but i decided i would rather be friends with him than not have him in my life at all because he is my best friend...so i went to his house that night and we talked and decided that being friends was a good idea. Well things were fine until friday. I went to jessi's friday night to get ready to go to club 131 and have a girls night out, to try and cheer me up...thats when everything began. I got the first call a little before 8pm...it was some guys pretending to be torey saying ohh i want you back, i miss you, blah blah blah...it was upsetting you know but i did my best to ignore it and hung up the phone...10 minutes later another call again a guy pretending to be torey saying similar things etc...again i hung up and did my best to go out and have a good time that night...i thought things were over until i went on my break at work the next day...i had 2 voicemails from the same guy...this time the calls were worse. one called me a bitch(nothing i haven't been called before but it still hurt) and the other one was more vulgar and sexual in content and those 2 calls hurt me a lot. I got one more call that night a little after midnight but couldn't bear to answer it and they did not leave a message....thing stopped untill wednesday...i decided to spend wednesday night at jessi's...have a girls night..watch sex and the city and just relax...i got a call from my mom at 9:30 that morning telling me that sometime in the night, my car(which i had left at home) had been egged...i went home, washed off my car, and saw that there was paint damage...this hurt me because my car is my baby, i love her dents and all, and to know that these people knew were i lived and thought that destroying my property was appropriate really hurt me. I hoped things would stop but that night a car kept driving back and forth in front of my house..it honked, stopped, the passangers pointed at me when i went outside to see what was going on....luckily nothing has happened since...i have my ideas about who was doing this all but im not going to reveal that information..

At first i thought...why would someone do this to me, what did i ever do that was so wrong to deserve this. Torey and i were on good terms, why were people trying to ruin that...I almost let them ruin the the relationship that torey and i now have. I let the childish pranks of a few people make me do something that mad him mad at me. I am now working on fixing what i did and am upset with myself for letting some immature people who have nothing better to do ruin a the great friendship i have with torey.

I know not everyone takes time out everyday to think about themselves and the relationships they have in their lives. To think about their friends, their family, the people they love. To acknowledge the people in your life, thank them for being there for you. After this past week im going to make a serious effort to spend time everyday to think about my friends, family, and loved ones. To remember things they have done for me, to laugh, to smile, to have fun. Im going to take the time to mend lost friendships, take the time and make the effort to show those i care about how much they mean to me. I will no longer just let friendships slip out of my fingers but will grasp them tight and see them for all they are worth. Without friends I am nothing. Without the love of my friends and family I am nothing. when these people harassed me, brought me down to nothing, made me feel like i had no one to turn to i looked deep inside myself and learned new things, i reached out to new found friends for support and comfort and to my suprise they let me into their lives. I am now trying to reconnect with old friends and make better friends of my current aquanintences...I challange you to do the same...
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