One not so good thing going on...
It's a long story and too hard to write about yet, but two weeks ago my son Jacob made the choice to go and live with my sister who is about 45 minutes away from us. He's 12. My heart is breaking into a million stabbing shards and there's nothing I can do about because right now I want him to see that I recognize the problems he has here, and that I'm willingly choosing his happiness over my own while we all take a break and work on those problems.
I don't want anyone to think that something horrible happened, or that he ran away or that we had some big horrible argument. It isn't anything like that. It's a lot of little things that have built up for years. He has always liked sleeping over there and usually stays for a couple of nights at a time, but the last time he just didn't want to come back home, and my sister and her husband said they would love to have him there full time. So, it just sort of...happened.
I can see his perspective. I know that it isn't ideal to have a little brother whose diabetes sucks up most of the time an energy afforded to a mom with a disability of her own. I know that my disability puts more responsibility on the older kids. And I know it's not fun to deal with a step-father who has no notion how to relate to children. It doesn't help at all that Jacob is inclined to take everything too much to heart. Any criticism or reprimand from Shawn and he bursts into tears. And he and Ben argue constantly. I think part of the problem is that Jake was 3 when his dad left so he was my baby exclusively and almost over attached to me. I think he sometimes feels like he was completely displaced when Shawn showed up, and again soon after by Ben showing up, and then Ben had so many health problems. I wonder if there's some really deep unrecognized resentment inside Jake that makes him not want to even give Shawn a chance to make things better. I worry that Jake is more inclined to just escape to an easier situation than to put in some effort, learn how to cope the with cards he's been dealt and really try to make his family relationships work before giving up on them.
At this point I've only given my ok through the end of the summer. By then I hope that Jake will miss me and want to come back. And Shawn and I are trying to plan activities that they both like for the days he's home so that we can build up some positive time together. I'm going to work on getting life here more organized so there's a more fixed routine and the family works together better. I also need to make more of an effort to give one on one time equally to the kids.
I think the break will give us some breathing space to make some changes, but I really want him to come back and go to the local Jr. High this fall. I want him to reconnect with his friends here. Unfortunately, my sister already suggested to him that he might like to go to school with her 12 year old daughter down there. I'm a little frustrated with the way she's handled things, feeling undermined and like I'm in a competition I shouldn't be in and can't possible win. I just have this feeling deep down that she's making it so great there for him that he just won't want to leave.
Anyway, even saying this much has me bawling all over my keyboard, so I'm not going to try and explain anything more. I just wanted to give the local f-listers the heads up. If I seem moody or depressed or frustrated, it probably has a LOT to do with this.
I don't want anyone to think that something horrible happened, or that he ran away or that we had some big horrible argument. It isn't anything like that. It's a lot of little things that have built up for years. He has always liked sleeping over there and usually stays for a couple of nights at a time, but the last time he just didn't want to come back home, and my sister and her husband said they would love to have him there full time. So, it just sort of...happened.
I can see his perspective. I know that it isn't ideal to have a little brother whose diabetes sucks up most of the time an energy afforded to a mom with a disability of her own. I know that my disability puts more responsibility on the older kids. And I know it's not fun to deal with a step-father who has no notion how to relate to children. It doesn't help at all that Jacob is inclined to take everything too much to heart. Any criticism or reprimand from Shawn and he bursts into tears. And he and Ben argue constantly. I think part of the problem is that Jake was 3 when his dad left so he was my baby exclusively and almost over attached to me. I think he sometimes feels like he was completely displaced when Shawn showed up, and again soon after by Ben showing up, and then Ben had so many health problems. I wonder if there's some really deep unrecognized resentment inside Jake that makes him not want to even give Shawn a chance to make things better. I worry that Jake is more inclined to just escape to an easier situation than to put in some effort, learn how to cope the with cards he's been dealt and really try to make his family relationships work before giving up on them.
At this point I've only given my ok through the end of the summer. By then I hope that Jake will miss me and want to come back. And Shawn and I are trying to plan activities that they both like for the days he's home so that we can build up some positive time together. I'm going to work on getting life here more organized so there's a more fixed routine and the family works together better. I also need to make more of an effort to give one on one time equally to the kids.
I think the break will give us some breathing space to make some changes, but I really want him to come back and go to the local Jr. High this fall. I want him to reconnect with his friends here. Unfortunately, my sister already suggested to him that he might like to go to school with her 12 year old daughter down there. I'm a little frustrated with the way she's handled things, feeling undermined and like I'm in a competition I shouldn't be in and can't possible win. I just have this feeling deep down that she's making it so great there for him that he just won't want to leave.
Anyway, even saying this much has me bawling all over my keyboard, so I'm not going to try and explain anything more. I just wanted to give the local f-listers the heads up. If I seem moody or depressed or frustrated, it probably has a LOT to do with this.