(no subject)
Hmm.
How very odd.
I have a number of highly odd emotional things happening in my life. I have people I am deeply concerned about. One of my friends' brother was diagnosed with leukemia. Another friend has been telling me about her past and I worry deeply about her. The list goes on and on.
And I suppose I should occasionally worry about ME.
I suppose.
I have this enormous welter of emotional turmoil somewhere inside. I won't go into detail, because frankly there are some things I have no intention in putting in an online journal. However, I spent a night a couple of nights ago not sleeping.. because there were things I had to deal with from a purely 'ok... this is... odd' standpoint. Odd because I can't find a better word for it.
And the conclusions I came to were interesting. Relief, for a number of reasons.. and a certain lack of caring. I would say something here but won't. I AM thinking it though.
I have got to get out of this town.
I love the physical location of Peterborough. Don't get me wrong. I think we're at the perfect locale.. just far enough North and just the right size.. and such lovely countryside around us.
However, that said.
And I also love the people.
But there is a black hole effect in the contant writhing orgiastic pseudointellectualism.. people come back because they matter here. Their opinions seem to have some bearing when expounded upon at length at a cafe or three... and many of them never have to do anything about said opinions or ideas.. as expounding about and arguing about them is SO much more interesting.
Don't get me wrong.. I do it too.
The point is I want to stop now.
I'm not saying that this black hole effect is a BAD thing, necessarily.. but for me at this moment.... it's a constant drain.. draining all the potential driving forces of my nature and making me 'content'.
And I am realizing that I am NOT content.
It's a big step.. since I've never really left here. But I really think I have to. So since I have NO intention of being one of those 'goes to Toronto/Vancouver/insert place here then comes back' people.. I have to continue along this emotional/mental path.. and go from the first step.. which is realizing I have to go.. and making DAMNED sure where I go is where I want to be.. because that's where most of everyone seems to fuck it all up.
So that's a lot of mental emotional work. I have to work through my own sense of.. well.. stuff.. and come to all the conclusions I need to.
So all that is bubbling about in me.. with other stuff.. and above it all.. is a calm exterior. I don't seem to be able to stop the sense of calm and serenity. Not sure yet if it's a good thing or not.
I guess we'll see.
How very odd.
I have a number of highly odd emotional things happening in my life. I have people I am deeply concerned about. One of my friends' brother was diagnosed with leukemia. Another friend has been telling me about her past and I worry deeply about her. The list goes on and on.
And I suppose I should occasionally worry about ME.
I suppose.
I have this enormous welter of emotional turmoil somewhere inside. I won't go into detail, because frankly there are some things I have no intention in putting in an online journal. However, I spent a night a couple of nights ago not sleeping.. because there were things I had to deal with from a purely 'ok... this is... odd' standpoint. Odd because I can't find a better word for it.
And the conclusions I came to were interesting. Relief, for a number of reasons.. and a certain lack of caring. I would say something here but won't. I AM thinking it though.
I have got to get out of this town.
I love the physical location of Peterborough. Don't get me wrong. I think we're at the perfect locale.. just far enough North and just the right size.. and such lovely countryside around us.
However, that said.
And I also love the people.
But there is a black hole effect in the contant writhing orgiastic pseudointellectualism.. people come back because they matter here. Their opinions seem to have some bearing when expounded upon at length at a cafe or three... and many of them never have to do anything about said opinions or ideas.. as expounding about and arguing about them is SO much more interesting.
Don't get me wrong.. I do it too.
The point is I want to stop now.
I'm not saying that this black hole effect is a BAD thing, necessarily.. but for me at this moment.... it's a constant drain.. draining all the potential driving forces of my nature and making me 'content'.
And I am realizing that I am NOT content.
It's a big step.. since I've never really left here. But I really think I have to. So since I have NO intention of being one of those 'goes to Toronto/Vancouver/insert place here then comes back' people.. I have to continue along this emotional/mental path.. and go from the first step.. which is realizing I have to go.. and making DAMNED sure where I go is where I want to be.. because that's where most of everyone seems to fuck it all up.
So that's a lot of mental emotional work. I have to work through my own sense of.. well.. stuff.. and come to all the conclusions I need to.
So all that is bubbling about in me.. with other stuff.. and above it all.. is a calm exterior. I don't seem to be able to stop the sense of calm and serenity. Not sure yet if it's a good thing or not.
I guess we'll see.