I feel depressed today...
things are getting overwhelming again for me, and because Charter is being an asshole and refusing to work with my schedule of school, DH's freakout, and all this, I'm looking for a new job. I can't help but feel like a loser, one who can't keep a job. :( DH is trying to reassure me, but it really bothers me. Also, when I started at Charter, they gave us this big lecture, as if we should be so grateful to work there. It was such arrogant bullshit.
It was all just in such a delicate balance before. I didn't like the job, but I got myself into a routine where it would be weird not to go into work. But then...damn. It all feels like such an excuse. I don't know. I feel stupid, like I should have accomplished more in my life by now. I look around and see people I know, friends, etc. who are in a bad place too, with the same feelings.
I wonder if my blue mood is also caused by my lapsed CNA licensure. *bleh* Like I should have asked the WI board to help me. :P I wonder if I can just take the testout, which is happening in a few weeks and we'll see what happens. I just need another routine maybe? My mind is just wandering right now and I do wonder if I should go back on that Celexa??
Every day I hear some new bullshit about the economy and it really freaks me out. We were planning on throwing some money into some savings, but this WaMu stuff has gotten me freaked out. I know we (as in DH and I) are in less jepoardy than some people we know as far as house ownership, out of control mortgages, etc. and I should feel more lucky than I do.
We went to the Ren Fest last Sunday. There was a cool guy there with a gnome outfit on with a sign that said "Gnomes for Obama." It was cute. It was really, REALLY crowded there this time around though. We just walked around, since the shows rarely had any seating. I got cranky because of woman-stuff acting up again, and I was crampy and my head hurt.
It feels like living where we do (in a more ghetto area) makes me more passive. I don't like our neighborhood and the inconveniences with it, but it's like people don't want more for themselves. They keep having kids they can't afford (or try to keep having kids they can't afford) and bury themselves deeper. Maybe this is a motivation for me to finally finish that nursing degree since I know myself and it's hard (if not impossible) for me to be a corporate slave for long. I feel like a social pariah sometimes, a blight upon my family.
When I think about the campaign and the economy, we're just hanging on until Obama *knock on wood* gets elected and see what happens then. I wonder how many people are doing the same. What other choice do we have? McCain gets elected? We cross the border to Canada and plead political asylum. LOL
This is all over the place, but maybe I'm just lonely too. DH and I haven't spent that much time together since his episode (with working different schedules, well him working nights). It feels weird around him now. It's not that I don't care about him or anything, just the things that happened were weird and scared me a lot. He thought he was dying and was freaking out about that. I had to physically restrain him. He also went into what I can only describe as a kind of seizure. It was odd. And I've never seen anything like that before (from him...I have seen seizures) and never want to again. He says I want to shame him about it, and I think he's weak. I don't think so, I just am really scared. He has been the only constant thing and caring person since I have been 16 til now, and he changed then.
We're also thinking about buying a cheaper trailer outright and just paying the lot rent. At least we would own something then. We have one in mind, but are still looking into it. It makes me scared to spend any money right now until I get something else more stable.
I just talked to Christina. She says she can't get a job because of her kid. If that's true, what's my excuse? I don't know. I know with certain jobs (ie United and Aurora) I can keep for a while, but both were part time, and there was some redeeming thing to them, with Charter, the cons outweighed the pros.
It was all just in such a delicate balance before. I didn't like the job, but I got myself into a routine where it would be weird not to go into work. But then...damn. It all feels like such an excuse. I don't know. I feel stupid, like I should have accomplished more in my life by now. I look around and see people I know, friends, etc. who are in a bad place too, with the same feelings.
I wonder if my blue mood is also caused by my lapsed CNA licensure. *bleh* Like I should have asked the WI board to help me. :P I wonder if I can just take the testout, which is happening in a few weeks and we'll see what happens. I just need another routine maybe? My mind is just wandering right now and I do wonder if I should go back on that Celexa??
Every day I hear some new bullshit about the economy and it really freaks me out. We were planning on throwing some money into some savings, but this WaMu stuff has gotten me freaked out. I know we (as in DH and I) are in less jepoardy than some people we know as far as house ownership, out of control mortgages, etc. and I should feel more lucky than I do.
We went to the Ren Fest last Sunday. There was a cool guy there with a gnome outfit on with a sign that said "Gnomes for Obama." It was cute. It was really, REALLY crowded there this time around though. We just walked around, since the shows rarely had any seating. I got cranky because of woman-stuff acting up again, and I was crampy and my head hurt.
It feels like living where we do (in a more ghetto area) makes me more passive. I don't like our neighborhood and the inconveniences with it, but it's like people don't want more for themselves. They keep having kids they can't afford (or try to keep having kids they can't afford) and bury themselves deeper. Maybe this is a motivation for me to finally finish that nursing degree since I know myself and it's hard (if not impossible) for me to be a corporate slave for long. I feel like a social pariah sometimes, a blight upon my family.
When I think about the campaign and the economy, we're just hanging on until Obama *knock on wood* gets elected and see what happens then. I wonder how many people are doing the same. What other choice do we have? McCain gets elected? We cross the border to Canada and plead political asylum. LOL
This is all over the place, but maybe I'm just lonely too. DH and I haven't spent that much time together since his episode (with working different schedules, well him working nights). It feels weird around him now. It's not that I don't care about him or anything, just the things that happened were weird and scared me a lot. He thought he was dying and was freaking out about that. I had to physically restrain him. He also went into what I can only describe as a kind of seizure. It was odd. And I've never seen anything like that before (from him...I have seen seizures) and never want to again. He says I want to shame him about it, and I think he's weak. I don't think so, I just am really scared. He has been the only constant thing and caring person since I have been 16 til now, and he changed then.
We're also thinking about buying a cheaper trailer outright and just paying the lot rent. At least we would own something then. We have one in mind, but are still looking into it. It makes me scared to spend any money right now until I get something else more stable.
I just talked to Christina. She says she can't get a job because of her kid. If that's true, what's my excuse? I don't know. I know with certain jobs (ie United and Aurora) I can keep for a while, but both were part time, and there was some redeeming thing to them, with Charter, the cons outweighed the pros.