RL... or the inner rambling of the Bi-confused mind
Ok first of all a little warning, this is me rambling like shit about my life and nothing whatsoever to do with fandom... but feel free to read i am basically rambling about sexual orientation and whatever else comes up
ok just so we're clear most of my F-list probably don't know me that well, i have so far been bit of a lurker (yes this is true i am a true Lurker) and i have only started talking a bit to people here in LJ in the last year and that has been sporadic at best.
however i will now attempt to describe a bit of my RL for you, i am 19 years old, i live in a fairly small country called denmark and i still live with my parents. I am a bisexual, or at the very least terribly sexually confused, i know i am attracted to girls, but i can't seem to figure out how i feel about guys, this is the confusing part, i always wonder if my attraction to guys is physical or an attempt to create the situation that i have been raised to believe is ideal: boy meets girl, marries and has 2.5 kids and a dog. because i like that vision, you know marriage and a wedding with me in white dress i love that shit and technically i could have it with a girl as well but it wouldn't be the traditional way, for one it couldn't be in a church, and i'm not overly religious but i was raised in a protestant family, and it seems right in that sense, i don't know exactly where i got the idea that a marriage with a girl wouldn't be the same ( this is in no way meant as an insult to anyone living in same-sex marriage merely an examination of my own weird inner thougths) but somehow it got in there.
Now i have recently started to explore the "lesbian" side of my self more, i just went to my first meting in the danish version of LGBT, god i was terrified on the way there and yet so amazingly happy after, it was an intro meeting, where people new to the community show up and are told about the options in the area for homo- and bi-sexuals, and are given a chance to talk to people like themselves. it was great i have never been able to discuss this side of my self with people who understood before, however this has now awoken another problem: I really want to tell my family.
and here is the real problem for me i want my parents to know the real me, but how do i explain to them who that is when i don't even know myself?
also my parents are a bit old fashioned, not in the "you're gay get out of my house"-kind of way, that's one thing i'm not actually worried about they're old hippies so that's one way i'm lucky, but in the sense that i'm not really sure that they're going to understand what i mean if i tell them i'm bisexual, especially not seeing as i'm primarily interested in girls at the moment, i'm afraid that they might think that i'm being silly then going after girls when i might as well go after guys, and that would be so much simpler, no judgemental people and none of the problems that come with being different, because i know my parents just want me to be happy and it might seem to them as if i'm seeking out problems i don't need to
i played around a bit with the idea of simply telling them i'm a lesbian but i keep wondering "what if i change my mind?" what if i at some point i meet a guy and want to take him home to meet the family, how do i explain that?
Ps feel free to comment if you actually got through my rant, i'm just rambling here but outside input would be welcomed :)
PPS during spell checking LJ supplied me with these goodies:
thougths: Thoth's, thugs, thug's, Goths, goths, Goth's, Hogarth's
and
LGBT: LEGIT, LEGATE, LEGATO, LIGATE, EGBERT, CABOT, CUBIT, JABOT, LOBED, LUBED, LCD
ok just so we're clear most of my F-list probably don't know me that well, i have so far been bit of a lurker (yes this is true i am a true Lurker) and i have only started talking a bit to people here in LJ in the last year and that has been sporadic at best.
however i will now attempt to describe a bit of my RL for you, i am 19 years old, i live in a fairly small country called denmark and i still live with my parents. I am a bisexual, or at the very least terribly sexually confused, i know i am attracted to girls, but i can't seem to figure out how i feel about guys, this is the confusing part, i always wonder if my attraction to guys is physical or an attempt to create the situation that i have been raised to believe is ideal: boy meets girl, marries and has 2.5 kids and a dog. because i like that vision, you know marriage and a wedding with me in white dress i love that shit and technically i could have it with a girl as well but it wouldn't be the traditional way, for one it couldn't be in a church, and i'm not overly religious but i was raised in a protestant family, and it seems right in that sense, i don't know exactly where i got the idea that a marriage with a girl wouldn't be the same ( this is in no way meant as an insult to anyone living in same-sex marriage merely an examination of my own weird inner thougths) but somehow it got in there.
Now i have recently started to explore the "lesbian" side of my self more, i just went to my first meting in the danish version of LGBT, god i was terrified on the way there and yet so amazingly happy after, it was an intro meeting, where people new to the community show up and are told about the options in the area for homo- and bi-sexuals, and are given a chance to talk to people like themselves. it was great i have never been able to discuss this side of my self with people who understood before, however this has now awoken another problem: I really want to tell my family.
and here is the real problem for me i want my parents to know the real me, but how do i explain to them who that is when i don't even know myself?
also my parents are a bit old fashioned, not in the "you're gay get out of my house"-kind of way, that's one thing i'm not actually worried about they're old hippies so that's one way i'm lucky, but in the sense that i'm not really sure that they're going to understand what i mean if i tell them i'm bisexual, especially not seeing as i'm primarily interested in girls at the moment, i'm afraid that they might think that i'm being silly then going after girls when i might as well go after guys, and that would be so much simpler, no judgemental people and none of the problems that come with being different, because i know my parents just want me to be happy and it might seem to them as if i'm seeking out problems i don't need to
i played around a bit with the idea of simply telling them i'm a lesbian but i keep wondering "what if i change my mind?" what if i at some point i meet a guy and want to take him home to meet the family, how do i explain that?
Ps feel free to comment if you actually got through my rant, i'm just rambling here but outside input would be welcomed :)
PPS during spell checking LJ supplied me with these goodies:
thougths: Thoth's, thugs, thug's, Goths, goths, Goth's, Hogarth's
and
LGBT: LEGIT, LEGATE, LEGATO, LIGATE, EGBERT, CABOT, CUBIT, JABOT, LOBED, LUBED, LCD