Life In a Whirlwind
Well the past few weeks have both been amazing and heart rending. I am reminded why I don't go into social situations very often, but am drawn to try and make friends none the less. I met a wonderful new friend and visited places I had never been before. For that, I thank him profusely. We get along very well, and I enjoy his company. He deserves many good things in life. I attended my first anime convention and have plans already to attend the next one in Dallas in 08. I wouldn't miss the chance if I can help it. Now onto not so cheery things.
My feelings are hurt and hurt deep!
Some people may think that I am whiny or helpless, or needy or annoying, I am far from needy, and yeah I have my hangups, but doesn't everyone? Let the perfect ones cast the stones. It won't be me judging you!. I grew up early. The last I can remember being anything close to a kid was age 7. I was always older as a child though. I was the one who kept everyone else out of trouble and safe. Maybe, that grates on people. I apologise for growing up too fast.
Certain circumstances force the use for things I would not ordinarily choose, like a wheelchair instead of electric scooter. I dealt with it the best I could. I did not ask for the physical problems I suffer with everyday. Noone, should pity me for anything. Empathy is one thing, leave the rest in a pile of garbage. I hated having to use it, because I knew people would use it against me. They don't see me in my everyday world. I don't use them unless I have to folks. Otherwise, I grit my teeth and fight with the situation. I challenge those that would ridicule me to walk a day in my shoes?
I just went and practiced swordfighting tonight. My friends there, reminded me what things are all about. Don't get me wrong, I still used a folding chair. My knees aren't worth crap. However, my situation arose from serving my country among other things. What excuses can other's make? My friends accept me as I am in all of my ways and means. No, I am not perfect, and I don't pretend to be. I put up walls as a direct result of the things that were said about me this past couple of weeks. I put on airs to hide my vulneralbilities. I can work on things and admit when I am wrong. However, it is darn hard to fix anything when noone has the balls to talk to you face to face. I don't get that courtesy.
I am just as entitled to friends, companions, lovers, playpartners, and whatever else I choose just as much as anyone else. My physical problems shouldn't even influence that. For that one person who says everyone hates me, I have ten who will disagree. Do you know why? Because they took the time to get to know me for me. They just didn't have two or three brief interactions and judge me. I don't appreciate that, and I wouldn't do it to anyone on here. I give everyone a chance. Heck even those that have hurt me once have even gotten another chance. Don't expect a third if you keep biting though. When I care about people, I care deeply. I can be a loyal and best friend. I have people I have never forgotten and tracked down after years in foreign countries just to know if they were alive and well. I care. I genuinely feel to a fault. Thin skinned, I guess so, but not everyone can be a jaded asshole. I strive not to be. I would rather not fit in if it means becoming hardened and losing myself. Accept me as I am or don't, but don't try and keep others from being my friend either. It isn't the right thing to do to anyone.
Some may be afraid that I am trying to keep that person away from the other friends or trap him into something. It is far from the truth. I simply enjoy his friendship and kindness. Please, let me have that much in life! Try to forgive me if I have done you wrong without knowing and please don't bare me malace or jealousy. I can share and enjoy sharing the good things in life.
I don't know what else to say. I will fix what I can, and the rest is up to God. Maybe he will hear my prayers.
Tommie
sombre noir
silver sundown travelsfar woman
The Lady Reverand Katitcha