i figured it was time for a fresh start
i needed a new journal. the old journal contained too many old chapters of my life. new beginnings are scary and foreign, but sometimes necessary. often times they are forced upon me as i am so reluctant to change. i've always been very set in my ways.
what a way to start a new journal. i overdosed a few days ago. i guess you could say i've gone a bit off the deep end. lots of stress lately that's just been boiling up and i finally snapped. i remember being completely coherent when the ambulance got there. telling them it was unnecessary for a stretcher and could we "please not make a scene" cause i'm fine, just fine. i just did something stupid and i'm not sure why. i'm just tired and stressed out. he asked me how many pills i took and laughed at me.
"give it a few minutes"
those ambulances sure do move fast.
i remember bits and pieces. vomiting up charcoal. tubes being forced up my nose. and then not much of anything for two days. coma? i guess my respiration slowed down really badly so they needed to give me oxygen and all that good stuff. i woke up to my sister in my face crying. i don't remember what i said, but i apparently told her something about abandonment and asked her if i was a loser. that's when she started crying. i heard her talking with the nurses in my half-awake state, and they were saying it was such a shame when it was a case like this.
"she's emotionally fragile. she's taken on too much lately"
personally sometimes, i think i'm just crazy and it only comes out in extreme circumstance.
mimi is dying. it hurts deep.
i pushed back school because i can't deal with it right now, and i want to focus on her. she tried to do laundry yesterday and couldn't retrieve it from the hall. she was crying on the phone, telling me to come home and "please just grab her laundry from the hall." i had been staying at my sisters for the easy company. i've been avoiding the apartment. it's lonely and quiet, and i do miss him despite his new and amazing life that does not include me. no one wants a desperate bitch though, and god knows i get desperate and psychotic when faced with abandonment. mommy and daddy issues mixed in with a touch of reality and realization that all good things come to an end, and people change with the seasons however much they may have loved you before.
so all i've really got left over here is my cat. he's been up in my grill lately, and hes usually an insensitive bitch. they say animals can feel emotions. maybe he can feel the ache. he smells like peppermint and i'm not sure why. i was rubbing his belly earlier and telling him we were partners in crime and were always gonna stick together. reduced to talking to cats. fucked.
work is hard lately. even if its just for a few hours at a time. i feel like a rat trapped in a cage. don't wanna sell no more magazines. i don't want to pretend to care about you saving ten percent for a purchase, and i don't wanna get bitched at. i just wanna lay in bed. me and neil. neil with his head resting on my arm, right now.
have you ever been in such a miserable state that there is nothing left to cry out? you're just left with this terrible weight that you can't relieve. at least crying relieves tension and stress. it's healthy. i'm just weighed down right now, with no release. i can see why people self mutilate now. i never could really understand it before.
spring is coming. i'm aching. i need to start getting ready for work.
what a way to start a new journal. i overdosed a few days ago. i guess you could say i've gone a bit off the deep end. lots of stress lately that's just been boiling up and i finally snapped. i remember being completely coherent when the ambulance got there. telling them it was unnecessary for a stretcher and could we "please not make a scene" cause i'm fine, just fine. i just did something stupid and i'm not sure why. i'm just tired and stressed out. he asked me how many pills i took and laughed at me.
"give it a few minutes"
those ambulances sure do move fast.
i remember bits and pieces. vomiting up charcoal. tubes being forced up my nose. and then not much of anything for two days. coma? i guess my respiration slowed down really badly so they needed to give me oxygen and all that good stuff. i woke up to my sister in my face crying. i don't remember what i said, but i apparently told her something about abandonment and asked her if i was a loser. that's when she started crying. i heard her talking with the nurses in my half-awake state, and they were saying it was such a shame when it was a case like this.
"she's emotionally fragile. she's taken on too much lately"
personally sometimes, i think i'm just crazy and it only comes out in extreme circumstance.
mimi is dying. it hurts deep.
i pushed back school because i can't deal with it right now, and i want to focus on her. she tried to do laundry yesterday and couldn't retrieve it from the hall. she was crying on the phone, telling me to come home and "please just grab her laundry from the hall." i had been staying at my sisters for the easy company. i've been avoiding the apartment. it's lonely and quiet, and i do miss him despite his new and amazing life that does not include me. no one wants a desperate bitch though, and god knows i get desperate and psychotic when faced with abandonment. mommy and daddy issues mixed in with a touch of reality and realization that all good things come to an end, and people change with the seasons however much they may have loved you before.
so all i've really got left over here is my cat. he's been up in my grill lately, and hes usually an insensitive bitch. they say animals can feel emotions. maybe he can feel the ache. he smells like peppermint and i'm not sure why. i was rubbing his belly earlier and telling him we were partners in crime and were always gonna stick together. reduced to talking to cats. fucked.
work is hard lately. even if its just for a few hours at a time. i feel like a rat trapped in a cage. don't wanna sell no more magazines. i don't want to pretend to care about you saving ten percent for a purchase, and i don't wanna get bitched at. i just wanna lay in bed. me and neil. neil with his head resting on my arm, right now.
have you ever been in such a miserable state that there is nothing left to cry out? you're just left with this terrible weight that you can't relieve. at least crying relieves tension and stress. it's healthy. i'm just weighed down right now, with no release. i can see why people self mutilate now. i never could really understand it before.
spring is coming. i'm aching. i need to start getting ready for work.