Trashy romance novels
I was shifting large print fiction at work this afternoon and I spent several minutes reading--and stifling uproarious giggles because of--the covers of trashy romance novels. I always am Way Too Amusedtm by the purple prose and Mary Sue-worthy "characters", and I imagine the summaries being read by the kind of baritone announcer that does movie trailers.
The funniest ones I found today were by the prolific Joanna Lindsey. Wow, there's some major dreck here...
[My snarky comments are in bold brackets like so.]
Captive Bride:
The irresistible call of [nature made Mary Sue get up in the middle of the night to pee, and she got attacked by a bear and killed. The End.] adventure brings lovely Christina Wakefield to the alluring Arabian desert. But fate imprisons her after she encounters Sheik Abu, [Such a creative name! Any relation to Aladdin's monkey pal?] the strikingly handsome though arrogant adventurer, whom she had known in England as Philip Caxton.
Once Christina had rejected Philip's fervent offer of marriage. But now she is to be his slave -- desperate for the freedoms denied her...yet weakened by her heart's blazing desire to willingly explore her virile captor's most sensuous cravings. [LMAO! You can't make this stuff up. It's just too bad. "Virile captor"? Oh please...]
Hearts Aflame:
Beautiful and defiant, Kristen Haardrad meets the hot, longing gaze of Royce, Thane of Wyndhurst[Bratwurst], with icy fury - vowing never to be enslaved by the powerful Saxon lord who holds her captive. [These books have way too many fantasies of women being captured, enslaved, imprisoned, etc. All humor value aside, it's a bit disturbing.]
She is his enemy and his prize - a wild and lusty hellion [LMAO!] to be tamed by her dashing conqueror's kiss. But though maddened with desire for the golden-haired Viking temptress, [Hahahaha!] noble Royce, in conscience, cannot force his exquisite prisoner to submit. [Riiiiiight.] For only Kristen's willing surrender can quench the blistering fires that sear his tormented soul [Can I suggest an ointment for that?]--and heal a heart consumed by passion with a soothing balm of rapturous, unconditional love.
The Devil Who Tamed Her:
Ophelia [Heiney and her brother Big Red Heiney] Reid is an incomparable beauty with a reputation for starting rumors and spreading [Gooooooood night, everybody!]them. [Oh, spreading rumors. Gotcha.] Having purposely wrecked her engagement to Duncan MacTavish, a future marquis, which her social-climbing father arranged, Ophelia wants to return to London's marriage mart [Blue Light Special on Tempestuous English maidens with violet eyes!] and make her own choice of a wealthy husband. But on her journey home, something unexpected happens....
[Her carriage is caught in a tiger stampede but she is rescued by Elvis in a UFO, and they run off to Tahiti to live happily ever after while operating a lucrative business mass-producing earmuffs for camels. The End.]
The heir to a dukedom, Raphael [The Ninja Turtle] Locke, Viscount Lynnfield is -- in spite of his disinterest in marriage -- [Gayer than a three-dollar bill, eh?] the most sought-after young lord in England.
He instantly disliked Ophelia [That makes two of us.] when she caused a scandal to avoid marriage to his friend MacTavish, but having comforted her in a tearful moment, [Wait, which one of them is crying?] he begins to wonder if she's not all bad. So when MacTavish claims that Ophelia will never be [even remotely as interesting as the Shakespearean character who shares her name] anything but a spiteful beauty, Rafe [Rafe! It's almost like "Rape" only less disturbing!] bets his friend that he can turn her into a kindhearted lady who will one day make a good match, [Most original plot EVAR!!!1] just not with him.
With her parents' blessing, Rafe commandeers Ophelia's coach and whisks her -- chaperoned, of course [Of COURSE!]-- to his remote estate in the countryside.
There, as he tries to show his furious, sharp-tongued "guest" the error of her ways, he discovers the surprising reasons for her bad behavior. [She was raised by gorillas and is afflicted by a tragic combination of Tourette's syndrome, severe lead poisoning and syphillis.] Soon his daily lessons with Ophelia [leave her knocked up]
take effect and he finds himself irresistibly attracted to her. [What. A. Huge. Surprise.] When Rafe champions the new and improved Ophelia's re-entry to London society, marriage proposals pour in. Only then does Rafe start to wonder whether he hasn't gone and fallen in love with Ophelia himself. [NO WAY!!!]
Secret Fire:
He'd caught only a glimpse of her from the window of his carriage, but the young prince knew he had to have her. [He ordered the driver to go back, and he happily scooped up the stray kitten, took it back to the palace, and lived happily ever after with his fluffy new companion. The End.] Within minutes, Lady Katherine St. John was dragged from the London street and carried off to a sumptuous town house -- for the pleasure of her royal admirer... [Yay, kidnapping and rape! How romantic!]
From the tempestuous passion of their first encounter, across stormy seas, to the golden splendor of palaces in Moscow, she was his prisoner -- obsessed with rage toward her captor even as an all-consuming need made her his slave. [Woo, sign me up...] Yet theirs was a fervor beyond her understanding, carrying them irrevocably toward [a slow, pathetic end as they both freeze to death in a Siberian gulag.] final surrender to the power of undeniable love. [That too.]
Tender Rebel:
Scottish beauty Roslynn Chadwick needs the safety of marriage to protect her from [the invasion of robot lemmings and] an unscrupulous cousin and the fortune-hunting scoundrels who covet her wealth[huuuuuuuge tracts of land]. And Anthony Malory is precisely the sort of handsome rogue she's been warned against. [So of course she'll fall in love with him and they'll have hawt secks. There, I saved you the trouble of actually reading the book. I'm so smart!]
A cunning, ruthless, yet irresistible rake, Anthony's sensual blue eyes speak of pleasures beyond her imagining [His eyes can talk? Call the media!]--and Roslynn dearly wishes she dared to surrender to such a man. Believing his passionate promises will surely lead to [pregnancy] disaster. But denying her heart may cost the exquisite Highlands lady an unparalleled love hotter than flame [LMAO] and more precious than the rarest jewel.
Love Only Once:
The exquisite niece of Lord Edward and Lady Charlotte Malory, Regina [Rhymes with Vagina!] Ashton is abducted [Again with the abduction and imprisonment plot! Yeesh!] by Nicholas Eden - an arrogant seducer hardened [Heh...] by a painful [Er...] secret from his past. [Riiiiight.]
Reggie has vowed to marry the golden-haired rogue who has besmirched her good name - and who arouses her womanly desires to an unendurable level. [ROFL!] But her beauty only stirs Nicholas's passion - giving rise to [Hell-o!] dangerous misunderstandings. [Aww, is that all?] and a love that can live only once in a lifetime.
The Magic Of You:
As wild and reckless as the most incorrigible of her male cousins, Amy Malory has reached a marriageable age and has set her sights on a most inappropriate mate: [the goat owned by the village's miller. She was a strange child.] the straight-laced American ship captain who once nearly had her Uncle James hung for piracy. [Hanged, not hung! *Grammar Faerie smites author* Unless this is some weird, slashy departure from her usual plots and this ends up being Ship Captain/Uncle James. Heh.]
Warren Anderson [(Agent Smith voice) Misssssterrrrr Anderson!] is shocked by the brazen advances of his despised enemy's beautiful niece. Though determined to resist her, he burns [whenever he pees, and really needs to get that looked at.] for the enchanting British minx. [Minx? *gag*] And an impassioned heart implores him to surrender to a love that could stoke the smouldering fires of a family feud into a dangerous, all consuming blaze. [*sets the book on fire instead* That last sentence is truly horrid.]
Fires of Winter:
Lovely and dauntless, abducted by invaders [*sigh*] from across an icy sea, Lady Breena vowed vengeance - swearing no Viking brute would be her master...no barbarian would enslave her noble Celtic heart, [LMAO] but then came Garrick Haardrad, [Putting the "hard" in Haardrad since 1066!] the proud and powerful son of a ruthless Viking chieftain.
A Heart So Wild:
Courtney Harte [You can't spell "Harte" without "Hate!"] is certain her missing father is alive [and way, way behind on his child support payments], lost somewhere deep in Indian territory. But she needs a guide to lead her safely through this dangerous, unfamiliar country, someone as wild and unpredictable as the land itself. And that man is the gunslinger they call Chandos.
Courtney fears this enigmatic loner whose dark secrets torture his soul, [Cue the angst!] yet whose eyes, bluer than the frontier sky, enflame the innocent, determined lady with wanton desires. [Oh no! Not wanton desires! *gasp!*] But on the treacherous path they have chosen they have no one to trust but each other--as shared perils to their lives and hearts unleash turbulent, unbridled, passions that only love can tame. [Who writes this crap?]
Angel:
Hoping to cool off a twenty-five-year-old feud between two neighbouring families, Cassie Stuart only succeeds in pouring kerosene on the flames. [Pyro!] Both sides have warned her to get out of Texas pronto...or they will burn her father's ranch to the ground. [OH NOES!!!1] What Cassie needs is a peacemaker - but she ends up with a widow-maker instead. [Clever. Not.]
He is called Angel [From Buffy?]- a ruggedly handsome hired gun with eyes as black as sin. [Sin is black? I thought it was fuschia with magenta polka-dots.] Unwanted and unwelcomed by his ungrateful employer, he would just as soon leave Cassie to [be eaten by coyotes] fend for herself. But a stubborn sense of duty - and a desire to taste the sweetness of her kiss - steels Angel's resolve to make Cassie want him, come hell or high water...and for more than his gun alone. [For his "gun." Get it? Nudge, nudge, wink, wink?]
Silver Angel:
Abducted and sold into slavery, [Again with the abduction and enslavement? I worry about this author...] Chantelle Burke has been brought to the palace of the mighty Pasha. Vowing never to bow to this ruthless master's will, the young Englishwoman weakens [from scurvy] within the silken splendor of his chambers, and after one glance into his piercing emerald eyes. [Sounds painful.]
The stunningly handsome Pasha is a powerful, muscular figure [like Fabio, only dumber] yet he caresses the lovely addition to his harem with a fond tenderness that only succeeds in driving her wild. [Get a room!] But beneath his exotic eastern garb ["My Parents Went to Mecca and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt"], the cryptic Pasha shrouds his true identity -- one that he finds difficult to conceal when he wants so much to surrender his heart and soul to the irresistible Chantelle.
Savage Thunder:
Newly widowed after a shockingly brief marriage to an elderly British lord, [Lucky guy, doesn't have to put up with Mary Sue for very long!] Jocelyn [Phlegming] Fleming still aches with the pain of unexplored desire. [She was too stupid to figure out why the servants kept leaving her cucumbers on her pillow.] And now her restless heart is leading her far from the protective bosom [Heh heh, she said bosom...] of polite London society to the perilous beauty of the American West...and to Colt Thunder. [Colt Thunder? ROFLMAO!]
Breathlessly exciting but dangerously unpredictable, Colt is a loner whose Cheyenne blood burns hotter than the blistering Arizona sun. [Tortured and cliche metaphors for $400, Alex?] Jocelyn's wealth and title mean nothing to this stranger whose passion rules his actions and his heart. But neither the wild desert stallion [Yeah, baby! *rolls eyes*] nor the untouched English rose can deny their irresistible attraction...or prevent the firestorm of emotion that erupts [*opens umbrella*] when their vastly different worlds collide.
Tender is the Storm:
Headstrong heiress [They're always headstrong. Always.] Sharisse Hammond wants no part of the New York society marriage that has been arranged for her. So she heads west across a vast and dangerous land -- with no intention of honoring her agreement to become the mail-order bride of a rugged Arizona rancher.
But Lucas Holt needs a wife -- any wife -- if his plan to destroy his most hated enemy [What is he, a supervillain?] is to succeed. And this gullible Eastern lady would do quite nicely. However, their separate schemes to use one another are complicated by raw, aching passion. [Might want to see a doctor about that...] For Lucas's beautiful, unsuspecting pawn was not supposed to be so irresistibly alluring. [You might say he's pwned by his pawn! *cymbal clash*]And freedom-loving Sharisse never dreamed she could ever desire one man so much! [Because love is antithical to freedom, right? *pelts makers of PotC3 with stale Milk Duds*]
So Speaks the Heart:
Born a wealthy French heiress but betrayed into bondage [!!!], Brigitte de Louroux swears she will never be any man's slave.
Rugged and powerful Rowland of Montville sees only a beautiful enchantress in peasant's rags--a wench [WENCH!] to serve his every need. [He really needed someone to balance his checkbook and muck out the stable.] Defenseless against his unbridled passions, [ZOMG!] Brigitte is forced to yield her innocence to desires the warrior lord arouses in her heart. [Okaaaay then! ROFL!] But her surrender will vanquish the handsome knight - awakening within him a [case of gonorrhea on a scale unseen by medical science before or since] love as mighty and relentless as his conquering sword. [His "sword," eh? Is that what the kids are calling it these days?]
A Pirate's Love:
[Oh dear...] Sailing westward toward the Caribbean sun, young Bettina Verlaine [How does she come up with these names? Yikes.] obediently sets out to fulfill the promise made by her father--but not by her heart -- a prearranged marriage destined not to be...once the notorious Captain Tristan's pirate ship appears on the horizon.
Abducted [Again? *yawn*] by the bold and handsome brigand, the pale-haired beauty surrenders her innocence in the warm caress of the [Kraken's tentacles] tropical winds -- detesting her virile captor ["Virile" should never, ever, be in a cover summary. It just shouldn't.] for enslaving her...[Ya think?] yet loving him for the passionate spell he casts over her fragile, yearning heart. [Whee, Stockholme syndrome!]
Paradise Wild:
A well-born Boston beauty, Corinne Barrows has traveled halfway around the world in search of [the one-armed man who killed her beloved poodle, Mipsy, with a golf club] Jared Burkett -- a dashing rogue and a devil; [Literally? Call an exorcist!]a honey-tongued charmer who seduced and despoiled her...and then abandoned the impetuous lady after awakening a need that only he could satisfy. [Riiiiiiiiight.]
She has found him on the lush and lovely island of [Bikini Atoll, hours before the entire place was blasted in the atomic bomb test. The End.] Hawaii. And now Corinne will have the revenge she craves: the total ruin of the blackguard who brought shame and scandal into her life. But Jared still possesses the power [(He-Man voice) I...have...the POWERRRR!!!] to excite her as no man has ever done--even as his own reckless heart is taken captive in their blistering war of wits and will--igniting a fire that could consume them both [Spontaneous Combustion FTW!] unless they surrender to it with wild abandon in the heat of the tropic night. [And we're supposed to be in suspense as to whether they'll do it or not? Ha.]
Warrior's Woman:
In the year 2139, fearless Tedra De Arr sets out to rescue her beleaguered planet Kystran from the savage rule of the evil Crad Ce Moerr. [WHAT now?!?!] Experienced in combat but not in love, the beautiful, untouched Amazon [Hahahahahaaaaaaa *gasps for air* ahahahaaahaaa!] flies with Martha, her wise-cracking, free-thinking computer, [Oh good grief...] to a world where warriors reign supreme--and into the arms of the one man she can never hope to vanquish: the bronzed barbarian Challen Ly-San-Ter. [*headdesk*] A magnificent creature of raw yet disciplined desires [*snerk*], the muscle-bound primitive succeeds where no puny Kystran male had before [It's not the size of your Kystran male that counts!]--igniting a raging fire within Tedra that must be extinguished before she can even think of saving her enslaved world... [(as Mary Sue) Hmm...sex with a barbarian, or save the world from evil? Hmm... Don't rush me, I'm thinking!]
Heehee...oh, I do love mocking bad writing. And trashy romance novels have some of the "best." XD
The funniest ones I found today were by the prolific Joanna Lindsey. Wow, there's some major dreck here...
[My snarky comments are in bold brackets like so.]
Captive Bride:
The irresistible call of [nature made Mary Sue get up in the middle of the night to pee, and she got attacked by a bear and killed. The End.] adventure brings lovely Christina Wakefield to the alluring Arabian desert. But fate imprisons her after she encounters Sheik Abu, [Such a creative name! Any relation to Aladdin's monkey pal?] the strikingly handsome though arrogant adventurer, whom she had known in England as Philip Caxton.
Once Christina had rejected Philip's fervent offer of marriage. But now she is to be his slave -- desperate for the freedoms denied her...yet weakened by her heart's blazing desire to willingly explore her virile captor's most sensuous cravings. [LMAO! You can't make this stuff up. It's just too bad. "Virile captor"? Oh please...]
Hearts Aflame:
Beautiful and defiant, Kristen Haardrad meets the hot, longing gaze of Royce, Thane of Wyndhurst[Bratwurst], with icy fury - vowing never to be enslaved by the powerful Saxon lord who holds her captive. [These books have way too many fantasies of women being captured, enslaved, imprisoned, etc. All humor value aside, it's a bit disturbing.]
She is his enemy and his prize - a wild and lusty hellion [LMAO!] to be tamed by her dashing conqueror's kiss. But though maddened with desire for the golden-haired Viking temptress, [Hahahaha!] noble Royce, in conscience, cannot force his exquisite prisoner to submit. [Riiiiiight.] For only Kristen's willing surrender can quench the blistering fires that sear his tormented soul [Can I suggest an ointment for that?]--and heal a heart consumed by passion with a soothing balm of rapturous, unconditional love.
The Devil Who Tamed Her:
Ophelia [Heiney and her brother Big Red Heiney] Reid is an incomparable beauty with a reputation for starting rumors and spreading [Gooooooood night, everybody!]them. [Oh, spreading rumors. Gotcha.] Having purposely wrecked her engagement to Duncan MacTavish, a future marquis, which her social-climbing father arranged, Ophelia wants to return to London's marriage mart [Blue Light Special on Tempestuous English maidens with violet eyes!] and make her own choice of a wealthy husband. But on her journey home, something unexpected happens....
[Her carriage is caught in a tiger stampede but she is rescued by Elvis in a UFO, and they run off to Tahiti to live happily ever after while operating a lucrative business mass-producing earmuffs for camels. The End.]
The heir to a dukedom, Raphael [The Ninja Turtle] Locke, Viscount Lynnfield is -- in spite of his disinterest in marriage -- [Gayer than a three-dollar bill, eh?] the most sought-after young lord in England.
He instantly disliked Ophelia [That makes two of us.] when she caused a scandal to avoid marriage to his friend MacTavish, but having comforted her in a tearful moment, [Wait, which one of them is crying?] he begins to wonder if she's not all bad. So when MacTavish claims that Ophelia will never be [even remotely as interesting as the Shakespearean character who shares her name] anything but a spiteful beauty, Rafe [Rafe! It's almost like "Rape" only less disturbing!] bets his friend that he can turn her into a kindhearted lady who will one day make a good match, [Most original plot EVAR!!!1] just not with him.
With her parents' blessing, Rafe commandeers Ophelia's coach and whisks her -- chaperoned, of course [Of COURSE!]-- to his remote estate in the countryside.
There, as he tries to show his furious, sharp-tongued "guest" the error of her ways, he discovers the surprising reasons for her bad behavior. [She was raised by gorillas and is afflicted by a tragic combination of Tourette's syndrome, severe lead poisoning and syphillis.] Soon his daily lessons with Ophelia [leave her knocked up]
take effect and he finds himself irresistibly attracted to her. [What. A. Huge. Surprise.] When Rafe champions the new and improved Ophelia's re-entry to London society, marriage proposals pour in. Only then does Rafe start to wonder whether he hasn't gone and fallen in love with Ophelia himself. [NO WAY!!!]
Secret Fire:
He'd caught only a glimpse of her from the window of his carriage, but the young prince knew he had to have her. [He ordered the driver to go back, and he happily scooped up the stray kitten, took it back to the palace, and lived happily ever after with his fluffy new companion. The End.] Within minutes, Lady Katherine St. John was dragged from the London street and carried off to a sumptuous town house -- for the pleasure of her royal admirer... [Yay, kidnapping and rape! How romantic!]
From the tempestuous passion of their first encounter, across stormy seas, to the golden splendor of palaces in Moscow, she was his prisoner -- obsessed with rage toward her captor even as an all-consuming need made her his slave. [Woo, sign me up...] Yet theirs was a fervor beyond her understanding, carrying them irrevocably toward [a slow, pathetic end as they both freeze to death in a Siberian gulag.] final surrender to the power of undeniable love. [That too.]
Tender Rebel:
Scottish beauty Roslynn Chadwick needs the safety of marriage to protect her from [the invasion of robot lemmings and] an unscrupulous cousin and the fortune-hunting scoundrels who covet her wealth[huuuuuuuge tracts of land]. And Anthony Malory is precisely the sort of handsome rogue she's been warned against. [So of course she'll fall in love with him and they'll have hawt secks. There, I saved you the trouble of actually reading the book. I'm so smart!]
A cunning, ruthless, yet irresistible rake, Anthony's sensual blue eyes speak of pleasures beyond her imagining [His eyes can talk? Call the media!]--and Roslynn dearly wishes she dared to surrender to such a man. Believing his passionate promises will surely lead to [pregnancy] disaster. But denying her heart may cost the exquisite Highlands lady an unparalleled love hotter than flame [LMAO] and more precious than the rarest jewel.
Love Only Once:
The exquisite niece of Lord Edward and Lady Charlotte Malory, Regina [Rhymes with Vagina!] Ashton is abducted [Again with the abduction and imprisonment plot! Yeesh!] by Nicholas Eden - an arrogant seducer hardened [Heh...] by a painful [Er...] secret from his past. [Riiiiight.]
Reggie has vowed to marry the golden-haired rogue who has besmirched her good name - and who arouses her womanly desires to an unendurable level. [ROFL!] But her beauty only stirs Nicholas's passion - giving rise to [Hell-o!] dangerous misunderstandings. [Aww, is that all?] and a love that can live only once in a lifetime.
The Magic Of You:
As wild and reckless as the most incorrigible of her male cousins, Amy Malory has reached a marriageable age and has set her sights on a most inappropriate mate: [the goat owned by the village's miller. She was a strange child.] the straight-laced American ship captain who once nearly had her Uncle James hung for piracy. [Hanged, not hung! *Grammar Faerie smites author* Unless this is some weird, slashy departure from her usual plots and this ends up being Ship Captain/Uncle James. Heh.]
Warren Anderson [(Agent Smith voice) Misssssterrrrr Anderson!] is shocked by the brazen advances of his despised enemy's beautiful niece. Though determined to resist her, he burns [whenever he pees, and really needs to get that looked at.] for the enchanting British minx. [Minx? *gag*] And an impassioned heart implores him to surrender to a love that could stoke the smouldering fires of a family feud into a dangerous, all consuming blaze. [*sets the book on fire instead* That last sentence is truly horrid.]
Fires of Winter:
Lovely and dauntless, abducted by invaders [*sigh*] from across an icy sea, Lady Breena vowed vengeance - swearing no Viking brute would be her master...no barbarian would enslave her noble Celtic heart, [LMAO] but then came Garrick Haardrad, [Putting the "hard" in Haardrad since 1066!] the proud and powerful son of a ruthless Viking chieftain.
A Heart So Wild:
Courtney Harte [You can't spell "Harte" without "Hate!"] is certain her missing father is alive [and way, way behind on his child support payments], lost somewhere deep in Indian territory. But she needs a guide to lead her safely through this dangerous, unfamiliar country, someone as wild and unpredictable as the land itself. And that man is the gunslinger they call Chandos.
Courtney fears this enigmatic loner whose dark secrets torture his soul, [Cue the angst!] yet whose eyes, bluer than the frontier sky, enflame the innocent, determined lady with wanton desires. [Oh no! Not wanton desires! *gasp!*] But on the treacherous path they have chosen they have no one to trust but each other--as shared perils to their lives and hearts unleash turbulent, unbridled, passions that only love can tame. [Who writes this crap?]
Angel:
Hoping to cool off a twenty-five-year-old feud between two neighbouring families, Cassie Stuart only succeeds in pouring kerosene on the flames. [Pyro!] Both sides have warned her to get out of Texas pronto...or they will burn her father's ranch to the ground. [OH NOES!!!1] What Cassie needs is a peacemaker - but she ends up with a widow-maker instead. [Clever. Not.]
He is called Angel [From Buffy?]- a ruggedly handsome hired gun with eyes as black as sin. [Sin is black? I thought it was fuschia with magenta polka-dots.] Unwanted and unwelcomed by his ungrateful employer, he would just as soon leave Cassie to [be eaten by coyotes] fend for herself. But a stubborn sense of duty - and a desire to taste the sweetness of her kiss - steels Angel's resolve to make Cassie want him, come hell or high water...and for more than his gun alone. [For his "gun." Get it? Nudge, nudge, wink, wink?]
Silver Angel:
Abducted and sold into slavery, [Again with the abduction and enslavement? I worry about this author...] Chantelle Burke has been brought to the palace of the mighty Pasha. Vowing never to bow to this ruthless master's will, the young Englishwoman weakens [from scurvy] within the silken splendor of his chambers, and after one glance into his piercing emerald eyes. [Sounds painful.]
The stunningly handsome Pasha is a powerful, muscular figure [like Fabio, only dumber] yet he caresses the lovely addition to his harem with a fond tenderness that only succeeds in driving her wild. [Get a room!] But beneath his exotic eastern garb ["My Parents Went to Mecca and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt"], the cryptic Pasha shrouds his true identity -- one that he finds difficult to conceal when he wants so much to surrender his heart and soul to the irresistible Chantelle.
Savage Thunder:
Newly widowed after a shockingly brief marriage to an elderly British lord, [Lucky guy, doesn't have to put up with Mary Sue for very long!] Jocelyn [Phlegming] Fleming still aches with the pain of unexplored desire. [She was too stupid to figure out why the servants kept leaving her cucumbers on her pillow.] And now her restless heart is leading her far from the protective bosom [Heh heh, she said bosom...] of polite London society to the perilous beauty of the American West...and to Colt Thunder. [Colt Thunder? ROFLMAO!]
Breathlessly exciting but dangerously unpredictable, Colt is a loner whose Cheyenne blood burns hotter than the blistering Arizona sun. [Tortured and cliche metaphors for $400, Alex?] Jocelyn's wealth and title mean nothing to this stranger whose passion rules his actions and his heart. But neither the wild desert stallion [Yeah, baby! *rolls eyes*] nor the untouched English rose can deny their irresistible attraction...or prevent the firestorm of emotion that erupts [*opens umbrella*] when their vastly different worlds collide.
Tender is the Storm:
Headstrong heiress [They're always headstrong. Always.] Sharisse Hammond wants no part of the New York society marriage that has been arranged for her. So she heads west across a vast and dangerous land -- with no intention of honoring her agreement to become the mail-order bride of a rugged Arizona rancher.
But Lucas Holt needs a wife -- any wife -- if his plan to destroy his most hated enemy [What is he, a supervillain?] is to succeed. And this gullible Eastern lady would do quite nicely. However, their separate schemes to use one another are complicated by raw, aching passion. [Might want to see a doctor about that...] For Lucas's beautiful, unsuspecting pawn was not supposed to be so irresistibly alluring. [You might say he's pwned by his pawn! *cymbal clash*]And freedom-loving Sharisse never dreamed she could ever desire one man so much! [Because love is antithical to freedom, right? *pelts makers of PotC3 with stale Milk Duds*]
So Speaks the Heart:
Born a wealthy French heiress but betrayed into bondage [!!!], Brigitte de Louroux swears she will never be any man's slave.
Rugged and powerful Rowland of Montville sees only a beautiful enchantress in peasant's rags--a wench [WENCH!] to serve his every need. [He really needed someone to balance his checkbook and muck out the stable.] Defenseless against his unbridled passions, [ZOMG!] Brigitte is forced to yield her innocence to desires the warrior lord arouses in her heart. [Okaaaay then! ROFL!] But her surrender will vanquish the handsome knight - awakening within him a [case of gonorrhea on a scale unseen by medical science before or since] love as mighty and relentless as his conquering sword. [His "sword," eh? Is that what the kids are calling it these days?]
A Pirate's Love:
[Oh dear...] Sailing westward toward the Caribbean sun, young Bettina Verlaine [How does she come up with these names? Yikes.] obediently sets out to fulfill the promise made by her father--but not by her heart -- a prearranged marriage destined not to be...once the notorious Captain Tristan's pirate ship appears on the horizon.
Abducted [Again? *yawn*] by the bold and handsome brigand, the pale-haired beauty surrenders her innocence in the warm caress of the [Kraken's tentacles] tropical winds -- detesting her virile captor ["Virile" should never, ever, be in a cover summary. It just shouldn't.] for enslaving her...[Ya think?] yet loving him for the passionate spell he casts over her fragile, yearning heart. [Whee, Stockholme syndrome!]
Paradise Wild:
A well-born Boston beauty, Corinne Barrows has traveled halfway around the world in search of [the one-armed man who killed her beloved poodle, Mipsy, with a golf club] Jared Burkett -- a dashing rogue and a devil; [Literally? Call an exorcist!]a honey-tongued charmer who seduced and despoiled her...and then abandoned the impetuous lady after awakening a need that only he could satisfy. [Riiiiiiiiight.]
She has found him on the lush and lovely island of [Bikini Atoll, hours before the entire place was blasted in the atomic bomb test. The End.] Hawaii. And now Corinne will have the revenge she craves: the total ruin of the blackguard who brought shame and scandal into her life. But Jared still possesses the power [(He-Man voice) I...have...the POWERRRR!!!] to excite her as no man has ever done--even as his own reckless heart is taken captive in their blistering war of wits and will--igniting a fire that could consume them both [Spontaneous Combustion FTW!] unless they surrender to it with wild abandon in the heat of the tropic night. [And we're supposed to be in suspense as to whether they'll do it or not? Ha.]
Warrior's Woman:
In the year 2139, fearless Tedra De Arr sets out to rescue her beleaguered planet Kystran from the savage rule of the evil Crad Ce Moerr. [WHAT now?!?!] Experienced in combat but not in love, the beautiful, untouched Amazon [Hahahahahaaaaaaa *gasps for air* ahahahaaahaaa!] flies with Martha, her wise-cracking, free-thinking computer, [Oh good grief...] to a world where warriors reign supreme--and into the arms of the one man she can never hope to vanquish: the bronzed barbarian Challen Ly-San-Ter. [*headdesk*] A magnificent creature of raw yet disciplined desires [*snerk*], the muscle-bound primitive succeeds where no puny Kystran male had before [It's not the size of your Kystran male that counts!]--igniting a raging fire within Tedra that must be extinguished before she can even think of saving her enslaved world... [(as Mary Sue) Hmm...sex with a barbarian, or save the world from evil? Hmm... Don't rush me, I'm thinking!]
Heehee...oh, I do love mocking bad writing. And trashy romance novels have some of the "best." XD