These are fabulous
The following is a late birthday present for the amazing junediamanti . I thought of her the moment I read the following:
Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support:: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
* Customer:: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support:: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support:: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer:: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support:: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer:: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "No..."
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Customer:: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support:: ?!%#$
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Tech Support:: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
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Tech Support:: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer:: "A white one."
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Tech Support:: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer:: "How do you spell that?"
=========================================
Tech Support: "Is your computer on a separate telephone line?"
Customer: "No." (clicks the button to log on to our service)
Tech Support:: "Well then we can't-"
Customer:: "It says 'no dial tone'."
Tech Support: "That's because you're on the line with me right now. You need to-"
Customer:: "No, that's not it. It does this all the time. I just have to try a few times, and it will let me through."
Tech Support:: "No, ma'am. It's not even trying to dial right now because you're on the phone with me."
Customer: "It must be busy. I'll try again later."
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Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store."
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Tech Support:: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."
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Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."
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Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."
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Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"
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Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
=======================================
Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
============================================
Tech Support:: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support:: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"
=======================================
Tech: "Hello, what's the problem?"
User: "There is smoke coming out of the power supply."
Tech: "You'll need a new power supply."
User: "No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files."
Tech: "Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it."
User: "No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup, and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.
10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The Tech is frustrated and fed up.
Tech: "Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem."
User: "I knew it!"
Tech: "Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes."
10 minutes later.
User: "It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking."
Tech: "Well, what version of DOS are you using?"
User: "MS-DOS 6.22."
Tech: "That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes."
1 hour later.
User: "I need a new power supply."
Tech: "How did you come to that conclusion?"
User: "Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply."
Tech: "Then what did he say?"
User: "He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE."
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Oh? The wedding pics? Will post when I have found out how. I think I'm one of the customers above . . . .
Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support:: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
* Customer:: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support:: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support:: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer:: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support:: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer:: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "No..."
========================================
Customer:: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support:: ?!%#$
=======================================
Tech Support:: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
============================================
Tech Support:: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer:: "A white one."
========================================
Tech Support:: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer:: "How do you spell that?"
=========================================
Tech Support: "Is your computer on a separate telephone line?"
Customer: "No." (clicks the button to log on to our service)
Tech Support:: "Well then we can't-"
Customer:: "It says 'no dial tone'."
Tech Support: "That's because you're on the line with me right now. You need to-"
Customer:: "No, that's not it. It does this all the time. I just have to try a few times, and it will let me through."
Tech Support:: "No, ma'am. It's not even trying to dial right now because you're on the phone with me."
Customer: "It must be busy. I'll try again later."
=======================================
Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store."
========================================
Tech Support:: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."
=====================================
Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."
=========================================
Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."
=========================================
Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"
=============================================
Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
=======================================
Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
============================================
Tech Support:: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support:: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"
=======================================
Tech: "Hello, what's the problem?"
User: "There is smoke coming out of the power supply."
Tech: "You'll need a new power supply."
User: "No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files."
Tech: "Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it."
User: "No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup, and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.
10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The Tech is frustrated and fed up.
Tech: "Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem."
User: "I knew it!"
Tech: "Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes."
10 minutes later.
User: "It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking."
Tech: "Well, what version of DOS are you using?"
User: "MS-DOS 6.22."
Tech: "That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes."
1 hour later.
User: "I need a new power supply."
Tech: "How did you come to that conclusion?"
User: "Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply."
Tech: "Then what did he say?"
User: "He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE."
===========================================
Oh? The wedding pics? Will post when I have found out how. I think I'm one of the customers above . . . .