(no subject)
I was once told that journaling was good for the brain so I'm going to start throwing down my BS on this page again.
I woke up with the most horrible night mares last night. In the first one I was at my Grandmother's house with my sister and the two babies. These two guys came and asked if they could use my computer. After they left we decided that the reason they came in was to scout out the house and later kill us. We waited with the doors locked and played around with some guns of our own. But some how the front door came open and I saw them pull up into the drive way. I grabbed my nephew and took him into the back of the house to find the safest exit. Then I woke up with that rush of knowing my family and myself were going to be murdered.
The next dream I was up in space and watched a nuclear bomb go off by Japan. Next thing I know I'm on some sandy beach in Hawaii watching the huge waves come in from the blast. I held onto playground equipment while the waves kept rolling in getting higher and higher. Finally there was a sonic boom from the blast and it was all over. I then walked along the beach and saw all the dead bodies of people and animals. I woke up right before we were going to loot and Longs drug store for tooth brushes.
It gets harder everyday to keep from restricting. I find myself at night making packs to not eat breakfast in the morning(the easiest meal to not eat). And thinking out the math of how long it would take me to lose 10lbs if I kept that up. Derek says that he wont find me as attractive if I loose anymore weight. However I feel so huge right now that I dont see how he could even find me attractive right now. I've had almost 7 months to think on being okay with my body and it never gets better. I still long for my size 0 and crave every bone showing. I wish I could get out side myself and see myself walk around for one day. Then maybe I could see that I'm already "under weight" (I dont beleive it but my Dr. swears it) and should maybe gain a pound or two.
Enough about the body image stuff. My mind feels okay for the most part. Being bored really gets me down but I really just have so much to do that there is no way I could possibly sit down.
I can't wait to move :)
I woke up with the most horrible night mares last night. In the first one I was at my Grandmother's house with my sister and the two babies. These two guys came and asked if they could use my computer. After they left we decided that the reason they came in was to scout out the house and later kill us. We waited with the doors locked and played around with some guns of our own. But some how the front door came open and I saw them pull up into the drive way. I grabbed my nephew and took him into the back of the house to find the safest exit. Then I woke up with that rush of knowing my family and myself were going to be murdered.
The next dream I was up in space and watched a nuclear bomb go off by Japan. Next thing I know I'm on some sandy beach in Hawaii watching the huge waves come in from the blast. I held onto playground equipment while the waves kept rolling in getting higher and higher. Finally there was a sonic boom from the blast and it was all over. I then walked along the beach and saw all the dead bodies of people and animals. I woke up right before we were going to loot and Longs drug store for tooth brushes.
It gets harder everyday to keep from restricting. I find myself at night making packs to not eat breakfast in the morning(the easiest meal to not eat). And thinking out the math of how long it would take me to lose 10lbs if I kept that up. Derek says that he wont find me as attractive if I loose anymore weight. However I feel so huge right now that I dont see how he could even find me attractive right now. I've had almost 7 months to think on being okay with my body and it never gets better. I still long for my size 0 and crave every bone showing. I wish I could get out side myself and see myself walk around for one day. Then maybe I could see that I'm already "under weight" (I dont beleive it but my Dr. swears it) and should maybe gain a pound or two.
Enough about the body image stuff. My mind feels okay for the most part. Being bored really gets me down but I really just have so much to do that there is no way I could possibly sit down.
I can't wait to move :)