(no subject)
Being sick sucks. I'm having trouble letting go of this fucking eating disorder. I almost had a nervous breakdown with the dietian because she assured me that they will not make me fat and that they will only maintain me. I couldn't believe her. I want to but my brain wont let go. I have yet to complete a meal... I have not purged at all sense I got here so yay for that. I feel myself slipping back into just anorexia. However I have been dreaming of bindge eating. !!!!!!!! I talked to other people about this and they said they did it too. I mean when I walked in here I was like. "Nope never mind I'm not that sick." But when I look back at the last year and how my life was so turbulent I know I need this. Especially after spending two days(not a very long time I know) eating as close to normal as I ever have in the past 12 months and dealing with things I've not wanted to touch in a long time. I'm scared of whats wrong with my mind and just think about getting better. Another thing that scares me is how long people stay here. I mean one lady has been her for 8 months!!!! But it seems 6 weeks is average. I want to get better. Its just convincing myself that when my vitals are off that thats not a good thing. My blood suger will not get normal either. So they make me drink Boost or Gatorade all the freakin' time. I'm going to relax. And take this as best I can.