washing the floor
Knew I had business to take care of today -- stuff that's "for others" although to my benefit in a larger sense. But the kind of stuff I hate anyway, and when "for me" I often just don't do -- not always good either.
I get anxious doing this kind of stuff. I try to do only one sort of this thing a day, but I'd procrastinated so long it was not possible.
And the house is filthy and many other things have gotten to their least okay forms.
So I woke up, and immediately started cleaning the kitchen. It needs so much more cleaning at the deep level, that what I was doing only touched the surface, but that was bad enough. I cleaned the stove top, and the counter tops and then got out the pails and scrubbed the floor. Which is tiny, and scrubbing it really needs behind and underneath stove and frig and the baseboards are icky and so none of that got attention, just the floor basics. But it looks a lot better.
Forgot to eat. Forgot to take blood pressure meds. Started in on the hardest business with most emotional fallout. it went well and ceased being hardest. Next even harder one. It went well, but requires an apt. tomorrow, taking up more book time. Emailed family member to report. Someone who does lots of this for all of us and deserves lots of credit. Got back brief message which assumed that some comparative legwork might help.
Plunged.
Sent email trying hard to both explain why this wasn't something I could do now, recognizing that to others I look like I'm "off" work now, and keep it brief and thoughtful.
Response was even briefer and seemed offended. Briefly expressed regret. Even briefer appearance of resolution.
Realized food was necessary -- and medication.
How normal. How trivial. How unpleasant. How anxiety attaching. How to let it wash away, and get on to the rest of the business.
Or something else. More procrastination?
Made a nicer lunch than usual and write it out of my hair, hoping that will lower intensity.
I get anxious doing this kind of stuff. I try to do only one sort of this thing a day, but I'd procrastinated so long it was not possible.
And the house is filthy and many other things have gotten to their least okay forms.
So I woke up, and immediately started cleaning the kitchen. It needs so much more cleaning at the deep level, that what I was doing only touched the surface, but that was bad enough. I cleaned the stove top, and the counter tops and then got out the pails and scrubbed the floor. Which is tiny, and scrubbing it really needs behind and underneath stove and frig and the baseboards are icky and so none of that got attention, just the floor basics. But it looks a lot better.
Forgot to eat. Forgot to take blood pressure meds. Started in on the hardest business with most emotional fallout. it went well and ceased being hardest. Next even harder one. It went well, but requires an apt. tomorrow, taking up more book time. Emailed family member to report. Someone who does lots of this for all of us and deserves lots of credit. Got back brief message which assumed that some comparative legwork might help.
Plunged.
Sent email trying hard to both explain why this wasn't something I could do now, recognizing that to others I look like I'm "off" work now, and keep it brief and thoughtful.
Response was even briefer and seemed offended. Briefly expressed regret. Even briefer appearance of resolution.
Realized food was necessary -- and medication.
How normal. How trivial. How unpleasant. How anxiety attaching. How to let it wash away, and get on to the rest of the business.
Or something else. More procrastination?
Made a nicer lunch than usual and write it out of my hair, hoping that will lower intensity.