Lewis Black on Nyquil ...
I like a cold, because I get to do my favorite drug, which is Nyquil. What do the rest of you use, Robitussin? Why do you bother? Non-narcotic sissy pansy bullshit. Nyquil's got the best thing I've ever read on a medicine packet - 180 proof. Its the moonshine of medicine. You can buy it on a holiday. When I've got a cold I want something that's gonna fuck me up, because that way the blur seems interesting. Theres a daytime Nyquil and a nighttime Nyquil. Take either one you want, because your cold doesn't give a shit what time it is. Nyquil comes in two colors - red and green. Its the only thing on the planet that tastes like - red and green. And red and green are what? Christmas colors. That's right, Nyquil makes a dandy egg nog. Yeah, my friends bitched through the whole party. "This tastes like shit!" But at the end of it we had a fun sleep over. The first time I did Nyquil was 1977. It came on the market and I was there. I said, "give me that!" It came with a little nurse's cap on it. Get rid of it, its bullshit. If there was a nurse, I wouldn't need the medicine. So I proceeded to drink the whole thing. Well, back then they didn't have the warnings about operating farm equipment. Obviously you're not supposed to drink it, I woke up three days later. I was in Rockville, Maryland - a city I'd never been in. I was standing in front of a court house and I was married to a woman I'd never met. But goddammit, I could breathe again.