"I don't understand anything anymore"
The stuff I used to think I was good at has either gone away or is causing me trouble. I wish I never auditioned for the stupid musical. I wish I never came here sometimes. Then again, I can't blame Dana for everything. I was unhappy and hurting myself before Dana ever came along. It just seems like this place suffocates me.
Nick is angry with me. No, sorry, "disappointed in me," which is almost worse. He's mad because I don't eat and he thinks I'm throwing up what I do eat (which by the way he has no real proof of!), and because I started cutting myself again. I kept telling myself it was just the once, I just needed a fix. Like a drug. Then it turned into twice. And now today three times. And I know I have no excuse and that everyone is disappointed in me, but I can't seem to help it. It's so much easier than dealing with the pain. It makes it go away so much faster.
I want Amanda to be Cinderella. I didn't know she'd be this upset about it. I didn't know it would be an on-going disappointment, even though she says it's over. I know it isn't. I know she wants it. And you know what? She can have it for all I care. The part isn't making me happy, and it would make her sublimely happy. The only reason I wanted it is because I feel like it's all I have. She has other things she's good at, I don't. She's prettier than me, so that's a definite one up for her. She has so many other things in life to make her feel like she matters, and she's upset because she didn't get a part in a musical. It seems so silly that any of us would be upset. It's only a part in a stupid college musical. In the grand scheme of life, it matters nothing!!! Unless you feel like it's all you have.
I'm supposed to see Jesse this weekend. I wish the weekend was now. He'll be terribly upset with me, I know, and I'll cry for hurting myself and promise to stop even though I know I can't.
When I was a little girl, I used to lay in my bed at night and wish that the world would stop spinning and throw me off. I thought that if I concentrated hard enough, I could make the world stop spinning. I would try with all my might until I almost could feel gravity taking place underneath me. At least, I thought I could. I would fall asleep trying and wake up the next morning knowing I had failed once again.
(90 days. Please, hurry! Then I can be home, and all this will be behind me.)
Nick is angry with me. No, sorry, "disappointed in me," which is almost worse. He's mad because I don't eat and he thinks I'm throwing up what I do eat (which by the way he has no real proof of!), and because I started cutting myself again. I kept telling myself it was just the once, I just needed a fix. Like a drug. Then it turned into twice. And now today three times. And I know I have no excuse and that everyone is disappointed in me, but I can't seem to help it. It's so much easier than dealing with the pain. It makes it go away so much faster.
I want Amanda to be Cinderella. I didn't know she'd be this upset about it. I didn't know it would be an on-going disappointment, even though she says it's over. I know it isn't. I know she wants it. And you know what? She can have it for all I care. The part isn't making me happy, and it would make her sublimely happy. The only reason I wanted it is because I feel like it's all I have. She has other things she's good at, I don't. She's prettier than me, so that's a definite one up for her. She has so many other things in life to make her feel like she matters, and she's upset because she didn't get a part in a musical. It seems so silly that any of us would be upset. It's only a part in a stupid college musical. In the grand scheme of life, it matters nothing!!! Unless you feel like it's all you have.
I'm supposed to see Jesse this weekend. I wish the weekend was now. He'll be terribly upset with me, I know, and I'll cry for hurting myself and promise to stop even though I know I can't.
When I was a little girl, I used to lay in my bed at night and wish that the world would stop spinning and throw me off. I thought that if I concentrated hard enough, I could make the world stop spinning. I would try with all my might until I almost could feel gravity taking place underneath me. At least, I thought I could. I would fall asleep trying and wake up the next morning knowing I had failed once again.
(90 days. Please, hurry! Then I can be home, and all this will be behind me.)