I can't live with or without you
I'm just a bad girlfriend. I don't know what is wrong with me.
I got into a stupid argument with Durtschi about how he has an open relationship with some girl. He acted like I was appalled that he would do that when all I said was I didn't think he was the kind of guy who would want to do that... There is no way in hell we would have worked out. He will "only date a Mormon girl", doesn't like cursing, talks about God when I'm looking for advice.... There is a reason I broke up with him. I know we are not good for each other. As handsome and fun as he may be, I'm just not that goody goody girl anymore. I like to drink. I like to curse. I like sex. I like perverted jokes. I like to make a fool out of myself without being judged. I can't do that with him.
I've been talking to Aaron about things I really shouldn't. I got to this really low point recently and just reached out to anyone who would give me attention and he was it. It feels like I cheated when it's only just words. We didn't do anything. I wouldn't do anything. But I wanted to. And that scares me. If I love someone, I don't think about other people. I feel like we've kinda died..... And all I'm doing is mourning the loss instead of moving on. Like it will come back to life. I don't want to be with Aaron. I don't know why. I just don't get that spark with him. He's one of the sweetest boyfriends I've had but I just can't be with him. All I ever do is hurt him...
As for erwin... I really don't know. He keeps telling me to break up with Dustin, but why? Why does he care? He was the one to give me the go ahead and pushed me to say yes. I told him about how me and Dustin might get married and he said "I hope you said no". Why does it matter? Don't you usually say just do whatever makes you happy? Either way, with or without Dustin, I'm not happy. Unless I know someone who wants to be with me that can treat me better, I guess I'm just SOL.
Dustin really isn't that bad of a guy... He's funny, he's accepting, he's understanding, he's good in bed, he is fun to be around... It's just lately been so.... Different. He blames stress. I just want Dustin back. I want that guy back who would stay up late at night talking to me about absolutely nothing, ask me if I needed anything every time he would stand up, never let me pay the bill, tell me everyday why he is so lucky to have me in his life, walk around with me at night blindfolded just to take me to taco bell...... What happened to him? Somebody please tell me WTF HAPPENED TO HIM?!?!! I miss him so much... And all I have now is the shell of a man I once thought I knew... He's not the man I fell in love with. He is a selfish jerk who treats me like his personal chef, maid, and servant. I just want Dustin back....
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