College is...
Hello Ether. Katie here. I know, I haven't been around lately. I'm a lazy bum; What else is new?
College is... well, college isn't what I was expecting. But I suppose that's mostly my own fault. I'm lonelier than I thought I'd be. But I know why. It's cause I don't reach out enough and take a risk and start conversations with people. I just sit there, or hang around in my dorm. I mean, I have friends here, and I love Stephanie and Laura. But I don't want to only rely on them to hang out. I don't want to get annoying and crowd them or anything. Everyone needs their space.
I miss my friends. I miss Lowell.
I feel like dating Alex during the beginning of the year, where early friendmaking time is crucial, really prevented me from getting out there and meeting people. And then I bet all my chips on Muir Musical and didn't join any clubs other than Spirit because I thought I'd have a huge time committment, and I didn't get in. Sure I'm going to do tech for it, and I'm not bitter about not getting in, but I still feel like they were going to be "my people," and I probably won't be needed until towards the end of the quarter.
I know I need to push myself and get out there and meet people, but at the same time I feel like I'm annoying people by hanging out or pestering them all the time. And I don't really like to party all that much; I don't drink or do drugs, so the whole party scene is out. At least going to parties by myself. And I feel like it's too late. Like I had my chance to meet people and I missed it because I was off making out with a boy who in the end used me and dumped me within a month.
This whole thing with him has turned me off to seeking out dating too. I just don't feel like it. I know that I'm not really scarred or anything from Alex, cause really, I realized how stupid I was with him RIGHT after he broke up with me, but at the same time I don't want to let myself get disrespected like that again. This whole thing has just made me apathetic towards boys. Maybe towards life. It doesn't hurt, or sting, or burn like some of my other breakups have. But it's still left it's mark, in the form of me not caring. Or at least, not having any motivation.
I do great in school, I keep myself entertained on my own. But it's not the same as having the Lunch group, or Shady City, or Stine, Suzanne, and Eli. Even keeping in touch online, it's not the same as hugging them in real life, or talking face to face, or watching our shows together obsessively.
Don't get me wrong, I do love living here otherwise. The weather, my classes, everything else, it's all so impressive.
So why do I still feel so alone?
Gospel Choir is the one place where I do feel somewhat included, at peace. I'm friends with Ken, the director, and he knows I can sing. I think he has more confidence in my voice than I do. And I'm friends with a bunch of the TAs, and there's all these people complimenting me. But I still can't help but feel like a big fish in a small pond sometimes. I love Gospel, but I also love a challenge. I do get to belt my little heart out and not worry about blend. But then I also feel like I'm the only one heard, that I'm a stage hog. I don't want to be the girl irked at people for not getting the harmonies immediately, or singing the wrong part, or not singing loud enough. I don't want to become a diva. I do want to be a star, but I don't want to be a spotlight hogging bitch. I don't want people to be intimidated by me just because of my voice and music experience. But at the same time, I don't want to hold back my passion and love for singing and music. I know I'm a show-off; I just don't know how to reign it in and be more humble sometimes without stifling myself.
Sorry for the emo post, but I just felt like I needed to say what was in my heart.
College is... well, college isn't what I was expecting. But I suppose that's mostly my own fault. I'm lonelier than I thought I'd be. But I know why. It's cause I don't reach out enough and take a risk and start conversations with people. I just sit there, or hang around in my dorm. I mean, I have friends here, and I love Stephanie and Laura. But I don't want to only rely on them to hang out. I don't want to get annoying and crowd them or anything. Everyone needs their space.
I miss my friends. I miss Lowell.
I feel like dating Alex during the beginning of the year, where early friendmaking time is crucial, really prevented me from getting out there and meeting people. And then I bet all my chips on Muir Musical and didn't join any clubs other than Spirit because I thought I'd have a huge time committment, and I didn't get in. Sure I'm going to do tech for it, and I'm not bitter about not getting in, but I still feel like they were going to be "my people," and I probably won't be needed until towards the end of the quarter.
I know I need to push myself and get out there and meet people, but at the same time I feel like I'm annoying people by hanging out or pestering them all the time. And I don't really like to party all that much; I don't drink or do drugs, so the whole party scene is out. At least going to parties by myself. And I feel like it's too late. Like I had my chance to meet people and I missed it because I was off making out with a boy who in the end used me and dumped me within a month.
This whole thing with him has turned me off to seeking out dating too. I just don't feel like it. I know that I'm not really scarred or anything from Alex, cause really, I realized how stupid I was with him RIGHT after he broke up with me, but at the same time I don't want to let myself get disrespected like that again. This whole thing has just made me apathetic towards boys. Maybe towards life. It doesn't hurt, or sting, or burn like some of my other breakups have. But it's still left it's mark, in the form of me not caring. Or at least, not having any motivation.
I do great in school, I keep myself entertained on my own. But it's not the same as having the Lunch group, or Shady City, or Stine, Suzanne, and Eli. Even keeping in touch online, it's not the same as hugging them in real life, or talking face to face, or watching our shows together obsessively.
Don't get me wrong, I do love living here otherwise. The weather, my classes, everything else, it's all so impressive.
So why do I still feel so alone?
Gospel Choir is the one place where I do feel somewhat included, at peace. I'm friends with Ken, the director, and he knows I can sing. I think he has more confidence in my voice than I do. And I'm friends with a bunch of the TAs, and there's all these people complimenting me. But I still can't help but feel like a big fish in a small pond sometimes. I love Gospel, but I also love a challenge. I do get to belt my little heart out and not worry about blend. But then I also feel like I'm the only one heard, that I'm a stage hog. I don't want to be the girl irked at people for not getting the harmonies immediately, or singing the wrong part, or not singing loud enough. I don't want to become a diva. I do want to be a star, but I don't want to be a spotlight hogging bitch. I don't want people to be intimidated by me just because of my voice and music experience. But at the same time, I don't want to hold back my passion and love for singing and music. I know I'm a show-off; I just don't know how to reign it in and be more humble sometimes without stifling myself.
Sorry for the emo post, but I just felt like I needed to say what was in my heart.