Hart musings
so I've gotten jack shit done this weekend. great. means the next couple weeks are going to be really rough. Just so much going on here, with hanging out with my family. catching up on sleep. I think it was good that I had some relaxing time before the hell that's upon me.
Jameson's back, and it's like he never left. we keep dishing right back at each other like we always have. A bunch of his friends have been over and it's been good to see them again. Ali spent a couple days with us, though I fear she was bored because there's not a lot to do in Hart, but it was great having her here. I miss her a lot. I miss Kzoo.
I realized just how much I hate Hart and the people I went to school with on Wednesday night. Ali and I went to the Antler Bar up in Pentwater. tried to convince Christopher William to come out, but no luck. It's a lil white trash, but whatever. So we're sitting there with our drink and a bunch of kids who I went to high school walk in. I didn't really notice them right away, but once they got close, I recognized them. They looked at me and kept on walking. Nick Daly was the only one who stopped and chatted for a bit. Nick Daly. If you would have told be 4 months ago that would have happened, I would have laughed. But all these kids looked at me and kept walking. We're not in high school anymore. People change. Things change. They can't see that. To them, I'm always going to be the loser that I was in high school, and there's nothing I can do about it. Doesn't matter that I've gone off and done a total 180 from what I was in high school. To these people, I'm still her. I wanted to cry right there in the bar, but held myself back. Ali recognized this, and suggested we just get a six pack and go back to my house and watch a movie, and we did. I am just so thankful that now I have friends who see me for who I am now, and not who I used to be, even though they've heard the stories. Ali actually witnessed it, and she still loves me. God bless her. It just makes me so much more determined now to do good, to be a hot shot lawyer..... but I still hate Hart.
being in Hart, there's nothing like people dragging up the past that makes you want to fall to your knees. I saw Brenda in the store yesterday, and she gave me a hug and looked at me. She told me that I look so sad, like the light has gone from my eyes, the glow from my face is gone, and that my smile is so forced. She told me that everytime she saw me when Doug and I were together, I just looked so beautiful and happy, and now I am sad and defeated. It's like, how the hell are you supposed to respond to something like that? Especially when it's the truth, more or less? All I could do is force another smile and chalk it up to stress and lack of sleep. But honestly, there is a lot of truth in her comments, and I hate it. She was my second mom in high school, my soccer coach, and she's known me since I was born. For her to make a comment like that, it must be true. Then there was my uncle Tom. He had a stroke when I was a freshman in high school, and has the beginning stages of alztimer's, so it made it harder to take his comment in stride. He told me that he really enjoyed it back in July when Doug went fishing with him, and even though he liked him, he would hate him now if I wanted him to. Broke my heart. Doug fishing with my uncle meant so much to him. My Aunt Linda said he still talks about it. It's oddly comforting to know that my family and friends here in Hart hate him.
but enough of him. He is my past, and will never be a part of my future.
back to Lansing tomorrow. shit. but happy thoughts of getting me through exams. like Kelsey coming home, and Alicia coming home. I will make it through this. there's no where to go but up.
Jameson's back, and it's like he never left. we keep dishing right back at each other like we always have. A bunch of his friends have been over and it's been good to see them again. Ali spent a couple days with us, though I fear she was bored because there's not a lot to do in Hart, but it was great having her here. I miss her a lot. I miss Kzoo.
I realized just how much I hate Hart and the people I went to school with on Wednesday night. Ali and I went to the Antler Bar up in Pentwater. tried to convince Christopher William to come out, but no luck. It's a lil white trash, but whatever. So we're sitting there with our drink and a bunch of kids who I went to high school walk in. I didn't really notice them right away, but once they got close, I recognized them. They looked at me and kept on walking. Nick Daly was the only one who stopped and chatted for a bit. Nick Daly. If you would have told be 4 months ago that would have happened, I would have laughed. But all these kids looked at me and kept walking. We're not in high school anymore. People change. Things change. They can't see that. To them, I'm always going to be the loser that I was in high school, and there's nothing I can do about it. Doesn't matter that I've gone off and done a total 180 from what I was in high school. To these people, I'm still her. I wanted to cry right there in the bar, but held myself back. Ali recognized this, and suggested we just get a six pack and go back to my house and watch a movie, and we did. I am just so thankful that now I have friends who see me for who I am now, and not who I used to be, even though they've heard the stories. Ali actually witnessed it, and she still loves me. God bless her. It just makes me so much more determined now to do good, to be a hot shot lawyer..... but I still hate Hart.
being in Hart, there's nothing like people dragging up the past that makes you want to fall to your knees. I saw Brenda in the store yesterday, and she gave me a hug and looked at me. She told me that I look so sad, like the light has gone from my eyes, the glow from my face is gone, and that my smile is so forced. She told me that everytime she saw me when Doug and I were together, I just looked so beautiful and happy, and now I am sad and defeated. It's like, how the hell are you supposed to respond to something like that? Especially when it's the truth, more or less? All I could do is force another smile and chalk it up to stress and lack of sleep. But honestly, there is a lot of truth in her comments, and I hate it. She was my second mom in high school, my soccer coach, and she's known me since I was born. For her to make a comment like that, it must be true. Then there was my uncle Tom. He had a stroke when I was a freshman in high school, and has the beginning stages of alztimer's, so it made it harder to take his comment in stride. He told me that he really enjoyed it back in July when Doug went fishing with him, and even though he liked him, he would hate him now if I wanted him to. Broke my heart. Doug fishing with my uncle meant so much to him. My Aunt Linda said he still talks about it. It's oddly comforting to know that my family and friends here in Hart hate him.
but enough of him. He is my past, and will never be a part of my future.
back to Lansing tomorrow. shit. but happy thoughts of getting me through exams. like Kelsey coming home, and Alicia coming home. I will make it through this. there's no where to go but up.