Maybe I should buy you a book on being prettier.
"And here we have my girlfriend's house. My current girlfriend Emma, who gave me, for my birthday, a copy of Oral Sex Tips for Men. What the fuck is th
at all about?"
"IT'S NOT BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW, EMMA. IT'S BECAUSE I'M SAVING THAT FOR A GIRL I REALLY LOVE. YOU'RE JUST HELPING ME KILL TIME. YOU'RE LIKE INTERNET PORNOGRAPHY, BUT CHEAPER."
My mom never got cancer, and the last time we spoke she said she loved me, and that she'd had a dream where she told me that I was the worst thing that could have happened to her, and then died before she could apologize. She said that when she woke up she felt really bad about that, and I said "It's okay, mom! The important thing is that we love and respect each other and that you're still alive!"
Sometimes I think dent resistant side panels on a car are a waste of money, but then I remember that ladies be always throwing themselves at my car, and titties can wreak havoc on a paint job.
Going home with the girl who has been making eyes at you across the bar is fine right now, but in two weeks you might be standing embarassed in line at the pharmacy, looking for crab treatment. And that's one of the better scenarios.
Being alive meant that I would onsure I could survive just a little e day die, and there was nothing I could do to prevent that. There were no contingency plans for old age, and I would have devoted my life to what? To making while longer, so I could devote a little more time to the vain hope that I might live forever?
Fuck that. What if this life was all there was? When I got to the end, and it was gone, what if my only experiences were sitting in libraries and turning down offers for dates? A general feeling of apprehension is a human experience, sure, but I'd got my share of that one already. What about terror and guilt and fear and excitement? What if I died without ever realizing that I was going to die?
My pitch will be simple. The door will open and I will say "You are going to die. Why are you wasting your time haggling? Pick a fucking plan and go climb a tree you goddamned idiot. Go home and tell your wife that you're tired of watching the fucking Simple Life every night. Some nights you want to watch The Golden Girls. Sure, you'll fight, but in the end you'll work it out. And two hours of fighting can't be worse than a lifetime of the simple life, can it?"
at all about?"
"IT'S NOT BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW, EMMA. IT'S BECAUSE I'M SAVING THAT FOR A GIRL I REALLY LOVE. YOU'RE JUST HELPING ME KILL TIME. YOU'RE LIKE INTERNET PORNOGRAPHY, BUT CHEAPER."
My mom never got cancer, and the last time we spoke she said she loved me, and that she'd had a dream where she told me that I was the worst thing that could have happened to her, and then died before she could apologize. She said that when she woke up she felt really bad about that, and I said "It's okay, mom! The important thing is that we love and respect each other and that you're still alive!"
Sometimes I think dent resistant side panels on a car are a waste of money, but then I remember that ladies be always throwing themselves at my car, and titties can wreak havoc on a paint job.
Going home with the girl who has been making eyes at you across the bar is fine right now, but in two weeks you might be standing embarassed in line at the pharmacy, looking for crab treatment. And that's one of the better scenarios.
Being alive meant that I would onsure I could survive just a little e day die, and there was nothing I could do to prevent that. There were no contingency plans for old age, and I would have devoted my life to what? To making while longer, so I could devote a little more time to the vain hope that I might live forever?
Fuck that. What if this life was all there was? When I got to the end, and it was gone, what if my only experiences were sitting in libraries and turning down offers for dates? A general feeling of apprehension is a human experience, sure, but I'd got my share of that one already. What about terror and guilt and fear and excitement? What if I died without ever realizing that I was going to die?
My pitch will be simple. The door will open and I will say "You are going to die. Why are you wasting your time haggling? Pick a fucking plan and go climb a tree you goddamned idiot. Go home and tell your wife that you're tired of watching the fucking Simple Life every night. Some nights you want to watch The Golden Girls. Sure, you'll fight, but in the end you'll work it out. And two hours of fighting can't be worse than a lifetime of the simple life, can it?"