(no subject)
i have a desk now and a little studio area at which to spread out my art supplies. it's ash's christmas present to me. i cried about it yesterday. it's the first workplace i've had to do art since my high school studio class. it touches me immensely that i no longer have to paint while huddled over on the couch. i no longer have to sweep all my supplies into bins and squirrel them out of sight to make the living room, well, livable. there is an area of our home that is dedicated to me developing my painting skill.
i'm still trying to spread out and organize everything into easily identifiable and recognizable bins and cups and drawers and shelves. but it's getting there.
the other day, i made a resolution about what i want out of the SCA in the coming year:
- A platform for being exposed to, making, and giving away art that I would not have come up with on my own.
- To get feedback about how to improve it without entertaining my competitive streak.
- An excuse to get together with people and develop friendships.
but i'm feeling rather directionless and unmotivated, likely due to the grey skies, big winds and snowfall of the season that picked up this week.
i wore myself out shovelling both driveways and the deck today because we haven't gassed up and tried out the new snowblower yet. and i've been worrying myself thin because the rabbit water water freezing solid in the shed, despite our efforts to insulate, until we plugged in my old space heater to an extension cord. i think it would be the worse thing in the world to go out one morning to discover my rabbits had frozen to death or had dehydrated while i had been warm in my bed.
i started a tiny 5x7" scroll blank of a monkey doing falconry, but i lost the give-a-damn to finish it with only the white and blackwork to go.
i want an instructor or mentor to teach me tehzip and gilding and leatherwork and bookbinding and oils and carving and woodworking and different watercolour techniques, but at the same time i hate the know-it-all, stuck up, better-than-thou, and ass-kissing attitudes that i encounter in the SCA.
well, that i'd probably encounter in any society or group.
ashlea has been making more noise that she is unfulfilled with the SCA interactions and events we've been having. we've come across some real tight-assed personalities recently. where, if you're not mining the ore, smelting the tools, skinning the calf, tanning it's hide, making your own period dyes out of walnut and madder, carving your own stamps with period tools your leatherwork isn't period enough for them to deign to consider and therefore they don't have to respect you or consider your opinion as having weight equal to theirs.
colour me disenchanted with hierarchy, cliques, and elitism. if i ever was. i don't handle authority figures well.
ash has been talking about focusing more on reality and not on the game. she wants to translate her leatherwork to a wider audience since the local SCA doesn't appreciate it. she also wants somewhere to play out fantasy and get into a character like in LARPing. i know that LARP is not something that i'm curious about, but i'd support her if she wants to go.
i frequently find myself sensitive to critique and rejection to the point where i prefer not to participate in something or interact with someone because i believe that i have already been judged and found lacking. it is often that it is the voices in my own head telling me that i should be rejected and that i am worthless, and so i shortcut allowing others to develop their own opinions of me and just assume that they also believe the former. this is something that makes ashlea quite mad because she doesn't like anyone abusing me, and that can include myself sometimes.
we went to lunch last week with our pennsic neighbours who used to be a baron and baroness in the mid. they are glad to've stepped down into "retirement" this year. he complimented my art at one point and i had to remind myself to say, "thank you" and not just dismiss his opinion because it doesn't line up with my internal narrative of "i suck at life". i respect his opinion and i need to work to deserve it.
since i've gotten older, married, and chubbier, i do like that the compliments i get now are talent based and not just on my appearance. not that i try to garb myself well in the SCA. i have no passion for sewing or costuming. "is it a tent? excellent, hand me a belt."
i do have a high standard for arts and frequently find myself upset with others of rank or experience who are proseletizing their methods while spouting pride in work that looks amateur and sloppy. i understand that some people are in fact beginners and i am glad that they are trying their hand at something. i, myself, have only recently begun painting linework that i find acceptable since i started concentrating on improving my techniques three years ago. but it is the practice that people start teaching others before they've become proficient that gets me riled up.
yes, i can be a fucking judgemental snob. i harmfully turn it back on myself constantly. but i don't really want to change my level of taste and i have no reason to ever communicate my criticisms to others, so i don't feel the need to temper them at the present time. i like arts that have thought to them and good form, not ones that look uncared for, haphazard, or unfinished.
and it is because i'm still unemployed that i have gotten so immersed in painting. i need something to occupy myself with.
enough babbling.
i'm still trying to spread out and organize everything into easily identifiable and recognizable bins and cups and drawers and shelves. but it's getting there.
the other day, i made a resolution about what i want out of the SCA in the coming year:
- A platform for being exposed to, making, and giving away art that I would not have come up with on my own.
- To get feedback about how to improve it without entertaining my competitive streak.
- An excuse to get together with people and develop friendships.
but i'm feeling rather directionless and unmotivated, likely due to the grey skies, big winds and snowfall of the season that picked up this week.
i wore myself out shovelling both driveways and the deck today because we haven't gassed up and tried out the new snowblower yet. and i've been worrying myself thin because the rabbit water water freezing solid in the shed, despite our efforts to insulate, until we plugged in my old space heater to an extension cord. i think it would be the worse thing in the world to go out one morning to discover my rabbits had frozen to death or had dehydrated while i had been warm in my bed.
i started a tiny 5x7" scroll blank of a monkey doing falconry, but i lost the give-a-damn to finish it with only the white and blackwork to go.
i want an instructor or mentor to teach me tehzip and gilding and leatherwork and bookbinding and oils and carving and woodworking and different watercolour techniques, but at the same time i hate the know-it-all, stuck up, better-than-thou, and ass-kissing attitudes that i encounter in the SCA.
well, that i'd probably encounter in any society or group.
ashlea has been making more noise that she is unfulfilled with the SCA interactions and events we've been having. we've come across some real tight-assed personalities recently. where, if you're not mining the ore, smelting the tools, skinning the calf, tanning it's hide, making your own period dyes out of walnut and madder, carving your own stamps with period tools your leatherwork isn't period enough for them to deign to consider and therefore they don't have to respect you or consider your opinion as having weight equal to theirs.
colour me disenchanted with hierarchy, cliques, and elitism. if i ever was. i don't handle authority figures well.
ash has been talking about focusing more on reality and not on the game. she wants to translate her leatherwork to a wider audience since the local SCA doesn't appreciate it. she also wants somewhere to play out fantasy and get into a character like in LARPing. i know that LARP is not something that i'm curious about, but i'd support her if she wants to go.
i frequently find myself sensitive to critique and rejection to the point where i prefer not to participate in something or interact with someone because i believe that i have already been judged and found lacking. it is often that it is the voices in my own head telling me that i should be rejected and that i am worthless, and so i shortcut allowing others to develop their own opinions of me and just assume that they also believe the former. this is something that makes ashlea quite mad because she doesn't like anyone abusing me, and that can include myself sometimes.
we went to lunch last week with our pennsic neighbours who used to be a baron and baroness in the mid. they are glad to've stepped down into "retirement" this year. he complimented my art at one point and i had to remind myself to say, "thank you" and not just dismiss his opinion because it doesn't line up with my internal narrative of "i suck at life". i respect his opinion and i need to work to deserve it.
since i've gotten older, married, and chubbier, i do like that the compliments i get now are talent based and not just on my appearance. not that i try to garb myself well in the SCA. i have no passion for sewing or costuming. "is it a tent? excellent, hand me a belt."
i do have a high standard for arts and frequently find myself upset with others of rank or experience who are proseletizing their methods while spouting pride in work that looks amateur and sloppy. i understand that some people are in fact beginners and i am glad that they are trying their hand at something. i, myself, have only recently begun painting linework that i find acceptable since i started concentrating on improving my techniques three years ago. but it is the practice that people start teaching others before they've become proficient that gets me riled up.
yes, i can be a fucking judgemental snob. i harmfully turn it back on myself constantly. but i don't really want to change my level of taste and i have no reason to ever communicate my criticisms to others, so i don't feel the need to temper them at the present time. i like arts that have thought to them and good form, not ones that look uncared for, haphazard, or unfinished.
and it is because i'm still unemployed that i have gotten so immersed in painting. i need something to occupy myself with.
enough babbling.