(no subject)
it's been awhile since I really wrote in here. and even now, i'm not totally sure what to say ... if anyone actually reads this anymore. i'm fairly sure micahel doesnt. i think as far as he's concerned i've fallen off the face of the earth. which sucks... i could really use someone to fall back on right now.
do i hate that dependancy? oh yeah. am i sucking up my pride and dealing with it for the time being? you better fucking believe it.
got in a "fight" with ryan tonight. drinking with your ex ... not a good thought. it went something like this.
sober-ish ryan to me "kathryn, are you okay?"
very drunk me to ryan "yeah, i'm fine."
ryan : i dont believe you
me : no, i'm fine.
( ryan starts to walk out )
me : you should know me well enough by now to know that i'm lying to you.
ryan : whats wrong?
me : i ... i can't tell you.
( ryan starts to walk out again )
me : ryan, do you want to know whats wrong?
ryan : what did you say?
me : nevermind
ryan : no, kathryn. is this ... is this about me?
me : well ... i'm not drinking because of you, but my feelings about everything are being magnified by the fact that i'm less than sober.
ryan : kathryn, well. i dont know what to tell you.
me: i dont know what to tell me either. i get that we're over, that we're just friends, and thats all we'll ever be. but that doesnt make it easier to get over an amazing guy.
ryan : thats fine, i understand that, but why are you moping around back here? no ones around.
me: because i can't stand to watch you flirt with monica anymore.
ryan: fair enough. but kathryn, i won't be roped in to this conversation with you right now. not again.
me: ( and here's the whopper now, kids ) what? you dont want to have another important conversation, then tomorrow deny that you ever said over half of the things that come out of your mouth? ( long pause. ) shit ryan. i'm sorry - that was bitchy.
with that he walked out. i called his name, he didnt come back. then i walked out, told him i was leaving, apologized again, he told me a million and a half times that everything was okay. i ... dear lord i'm a bad drunk.
then i got the idea to call michael. i wanted something familiar ... a person i knew i could trust. oh well, i guess he didnt mean half of the things he said to me in august.
lesson of today? never ever ever ever ever count on a guy for anything, because just because they say something, it sure as hell doesn't mean they actually meant it.
-kate
do i hate that dependancy? oh yeah. am i sucking up my pride and dealing with it for the time being? you better fucking believe it.
got in a "fight" with ryan tonight. drinking with your ex ... not a good thought. it went something like this.
sober-ish ryan to me "kathryn, are you okay?"
very drunk me to ryan "yeah, i'm fine."
ryan : i dont believe you
me : no, i'm fine.
( ryan starts to walk out )
me : you should know me well enough by now to know that i'm lying to you.
ryan : whats wrong?
me : i ... i can't tell you.
( ryan starts to walk out again )
me : ryan, do you want to know whats wrong?
ryan : what did you say?
me : nevermind
ryan : no, kathryn. is this ... is this about me?
me : well ... i'm not drinking because of you, but my feelings about everything are being magnified by the fact that i'm less than sober.
ryan : kathryn, well. i dont know what to tell you.
me: i dont know what to tell me either. i get that we're over, that we're just friends, and thats all we'll ever be. but that doesnt make it easier to get over an amazing guy.
ryan : thats fine, i understand that, but why are you moping around back here? no ones around.
me: because i can't stand to watch you flirt with monica anymore.
ryan: fair enough. but kathryn, i won't be roped in to this conversation with you right now. not again.
me: ( and here's the whopper now, kids ) what? you dont want to have another important conversation, then tomorrow deny that you ever said over half of the things that come out of your mouth? ( long pause. ) shit ryan. i'm sorry - that was bitchy.
with that he walked out. i called his name, he didnt come back. then i walked out, told him i was leaving, apologized again, he told me a million and a half times that everything was okay. i ... dear lord i'm a bad drunk.
then i got the idea to call michael. i wanted something familiar ... a person i knew i could trust. oh well, i guess he didnt mean half of the things he said to me in august.
lesson of today? never ever ever ever ever count on a guy for anything, because just because they say something, it sure as hell doesn't mean they actually meant it.
-kate