(no subject)
So. I wasn't going to use this thing, then I thought it might be nice to be able to write somewhere that most of my friends couldnt see. I'm ready to leave them, or rather, I'm ready for them to leave seeing as I'm stuck here for what seems like forever and a day ( in reality, its only about 42 days. )
Mom goes to the doctor on Wednesday. I know I shouldn't be worried, but I am. I'm a wreck until she comes home from them, and now she's been having headaches again. I'm sure everything will be okay - but I've done this too many time to begin with. I know it sounds horribly morbid, but I am just kind of sitting and laying in wait for the cancer to come back. It's hit three times in less than five years, the current trend seems to indicate that it'll be making a comeback sometime. Thus, temporariliy ruining my life again. However, if it happens, I am determined to deal with it better this time. I won't be too scared to see her in the hospital, I will make myself eat, even if I'm not hungry. I can't do this to myself anymore. She won't be able to get through it if she thinks I'm falling apart, too. Maybe being away from her will help me to cope with things, move on more. I mean, she's in remission, everything is okay right now, right? So, why don't I feel like everything is okay?
Enough of that. It gets depressing after awhile. I'm ready to move on, though. Get out of here. I have friends who are amazing people, but they're so afraid to be who they really are. They shouldn't be, and its frustrating. One of my friends refuses to be happy, I really think he does. His life isn't horrible, he's going to a really good school, getting good grades, has good friends, a good family. Yes, it sucks that he cant be open about his sexuality, but thats his choice and he's making us suffer from it. I know it must be hard, I've never faced that issue - I've always been very sound in my affection towards boys. I don't think anyone at all can argue this one. But it hurts me to see the people I care about so miserable. I've had to learn, many times over, that life is what you make it out to be. As cliche as that sounds, its true. Everyone has their days, Lord knows I do. I can be absolutely miserable to be around. Nothing can make me happy - some days I just don't want to be happy. I think everyone feels that way from time to time, but to live life that like? Even I haven't gone that extreme. Hopefully he'll figure himself out soon - because the person he really is is fantastic.
It's nice to finally have someone with whom I can completely be myself. We can talk about absolutely nothing for hours, and we have. Plotting stupid things and making fun of eachother ( well, he makes fun of me more than I make fun of him - but that seems to be how it works with everyone. ) I'm really glad Michael gave me his card that day at Oxley's By the Numbers. As horribly cheesy as he tells me he felt, I'm glad he did it. It's nice to know I have at least one person on whom I can depend at school. Lord knows I'll need that at some point over the next four years.
Mom goes to the doctor on Wednesday. I know I shouldn't be worried, but I am. I'm a wreck until she comes home from them, and now she's been having headaches again. I'm sure everything will be okay - but I've done this too many time to begin with. I know it sounds horribly morbid, but I am just kind of sitting and laying in wait for the cancer to come back. It's hit three times in less than five years, the current trend seems to indicate that it'll be making a comeback sometime. Thus, temporariliy ruining my life again. However, if it happens, I am determined to deal with it better this time. I won't be too scared to see her in the hospital, I will make myself eat, even if I'm not hungry. I can't do this to myself anymore. She won't be able to get through it if she thinks I'm falling apart, too. Maybe being away from her will help me to cope with things, move on more. I mean, she's in remission, everything is okay right now, right? So, why don't I feel like everything is okay?
Enough of that. It gets depressing after awhile. I'm ready to move on, though. Get out of here. I have friends who are amazing people, but they're so afraid to be who they really are. They shouldn't be, and its frustrating. One of my friends refuses to be happy, I really think he does. His life isn't horrible, he's going to a really good school, getting good grades, has good friends, a good family. Yes, it sucks that he cant be open about his sexuality, but thats his choice and he's making us suffer from it. I know it must be hard, I've never faced that issue - I've always been very sound in my affection towards boys. I don't think anyone at all can argue this one. But it hurts me to see the people I care about so miserable. I've had to learn, many times over, that life is what you make it out to be. As cliche as that sounds, its true. Everyone has their days, Lord knows I do. I can be absolutely miserable to be around. Nothing can make me happy - some days I just don't want to be happy. I think everyone feels that way from time to time, but to live life that like? Even I haven't gone that extreme. Hopefully he'll figure himself out soon - because the person he really is is fantastic.
It's nice to finally have someone with whom I can completely be myself. We can talk about absolutely nothing for hours, and we have. Plotting stupid things and making fun of eachother ( well, he makes fun of me more than I make fun of him - but that seems to be how it works with everyone. ) I'm really glad Michael gave me his card that day at Oxley's By the Numbers. As horribly cheesy as he tells me he felt, I'm glad he did it. It's nice to know I have at least one person on whom I can depend at school. Lord knows I'll need that at some point over the next four years.