Catching My Breath
I realize I've been diving in & out of LJ-land for the last year or so to drop big news: "Hey, I have depression that really sucks!" "I got an agent!" "I lost my agent!" "I'm changing my critique services!" "I'm pregnant!" etc.
I also realize I haven't been posting quite as much in terms of what I'm writing/ how things are going in general. I didn't really mean to fall off the face of the earth between those bigger things, but it happened, and I'm sorry it did. I haven't stopped writing. I still write every day. But things have been different and difficult with all that Big Stuff going on.
One thing that's happened, obviously, is that ACCURSED didn't sell when I was on submission. I'm not going to play a blame game here-- the editors either didn't fall in love or they couldn't get it past editorial board. Maybe it didn't get sent to all the right houses or to the right people at the houses it did go to. It had some flaws that might've kept it from being a must-have for those editors who did see it, and then I didn't have an agent to push the list of editors who never got back to us.
After I went off sub, I knew I couldn't do much with ACCURSED professionally if I didn't want to self-pub it (a viable option, but not one I'm ready to commit to). So I kept plugging away at DARLINGTON. I beat my head against the wall when working on THE TIES OF BLOOD. I started CONVICTION. But nothing grabbed me. Nothing made me want to really keep going. So I decided to jump around in my works, play with ACCURSED when I had time, but obviously I had to focus my attentions on things that could still gain me representation, right?
Technically.
Except not.
A couple months ago I realized what my problem was: I couldn't get Gen's story out of my head. I knew, somewhere in my gut, that I had to finish my revision of that book before I could move on to really focus on something else. I knew how to fix it, I had a bunch of ideas, I could slip back into her voice as easily as I can write in my diary. So what was stopping me? Oh right, me.
I'm not a big rule-breaker. I followed the submission guidelines of every agent I submitted to to the best of my abilities-- I even lamented over the ones who didn't give more specific instructions, because I wanted to make my query stand out to them as Professional and Capable and I wanted to come across as a Good Person To Work With. None of that is a bad thing-- except when all the professional advice I was seeing said that no one would want to pick up a manuscript that had already been on sub to so many major houses/editors. So I believed it.
And it's still true. But...
It's not what's best for me. I wasn't writing much. My word counts had been atrocious for months. Nothing was clicking. Nothing felt right. And I'm still in my pre-published time. This is the time for me to experiment, to write what I love, to not worry so much about the Big Professional Things and focus instead on what will make me a better writer, which in turn (I hope), will help me become a writer who's sold a novel.
Last year I made a playlist for myself to represent the year. It was a lot of "keep going, don't give up, you'll be OK" kind of things for a bunch of reasons. This year, though, something about moving many of those songs over felt hollow. Instead, the first song I added to my 2013 playlist was Kelly Clarkson's "Catch My Breath," I think because these lines rang so true for me:
Source: Uploaded by user via Kathleen on Pinterest
I don't know what finally made all this click for me, whether it wasn't getting my book picked up, losing my agent, or realizing I'm going to be a mom. But I don't have time to play by someone else's rules when they don't make sense for me, for my life, for my process. And after sharing all those ups and downs last year, well-- now you know. I thought I was done hiding my problems when I shared about my depression last year, but then obviously I wasn't. I think I am now. I'm not going to pretend I'm totally perky & fine when I'm not, I'm not going to avoid blogging when I'm having trouble, but OTOH I'm not feeling pessimistic at all, and I think that comes from acknowledging the truth.
So this is my life: I'm finishing up a sixth revision on a book that I probably won't be able to use to get another agent, at least not anytime soon. I'm having trouble finding my footing again in this writing world, but I'm not giving up on it. This is my year of catching my breath and realizing what's important, and for me right now, it's finishing up ACCURSED*.
*And yes, obviously you, tiny person who is kicking my ribs as I write this!
I also realize I haven't been posting quite as much in terms of what I'm writing/ how things are going in general. I didn't really mean to fall off the face of the earth between those bigger things, but it happened, and I'm sorry it did. I haven't stopped writing. I still write every day. But things have been different and difficult with all that Big Stuff going on.
One thing that's happened, obviously, is that ACCURSED didn't sell when I was on submission. I'm not going to play a blame game here-- the editors either didn't fall in love or they couldn't get it past editorial board. Maybe it didn't get sent to all the right houses or to the right people at the houses it did go to. It had some flaws that might've kept it from being a must-have for those editors who did see it, and then I didn't have an agent to push the list of editors who never got back to us.
After I went off sub, I knew I couldn't do much with ACCURSED professionally if I didn't want to self-pub it (a viable option, but not one I'm ready to commit to). So I kept plugging away at DARLINGTON. I beat my head against the wall when working on THE TIES OF BLOOD. I started CONVICTION. But nothing grabbed me. Nothing made me want to really keep going. So I decided to jump around in my works, play with ACCURSED when I had time, but obviously I had to focus my attentions on things that could still gain me representation, right?
Technically.
Except not.
A couple months ago I realized what my problem was: I couldn't get Gen's story out of my head. I knew, somewhere in my gut, that I had to finish my revision of that book before I could move on to really focus on something else. I knew how to fix it, I had a bunch of ideas, I could slip back into her voice as easily as I can write in my diary. So what was stopping me? Oh right, me.
I'm not a big rule-breaker. I followed the submission guidelines of every agent I submitted to to the best of my abilities-- I even lamented over the ones who didn't give more specific instructions, because I wanted to make my query stand out to them as Professional and Capable and I wanted to come across as a Good Person To Work With. None of that is a bad thing-- except when all the professional advice I was seeing said that no one would want to pick up a manuscript that had already been on sub to so many major houses/editors. So I believed it.
And it's still true. But...
It's not what's best for me. I wasn't writing much. My word counts had been atrocious for months. Nothing was clicking. Nothing felt right. And I'm still in my pre-published time. This is the time for me to experiment, to write what I love, to not worry so much about the Big Professional Things and focus instead on what will make me a better writer, which in turn (I hope), will help me become a writer who's sold a novel.
Last year I made a playlist for myself to represent the year. It was a lot of "keep going, don't give up, you'll be OK" kind of things for a bunch of reasons. This year, though, something about moving many of those songs over felt hollow. Instead, the first song I added to my 2013 playlist was Kelly Clarkson's "Catch My Breath," I think because these lines rang so true for me:
Source: Uploaded by user via Kathleen on Pinterest
I don't know what finally made all this click for me, whether it wasn't getting my book picked up, losing my agent, or realizing I'm going to be a mom. But I don't have time to play by someone else's rules when they don't make sense for me, for my life, for my process. And after sharing all those ups and downs last year, well-- now you know. I thought I was done hiding my problems when I shared about my depression last year, but then obviously I wasn't. I think I am now. I'm not going to pretend I'm totally perky & fine when I'm not, I'm not going to avoid blogging when I'm having trouble, but OTOH I'm not feeling pessimistic at all, and I think that comes from acknowledging the truth.
So this is my life: I'm finishing up a sixth revision on a book that I probably won't be able to use to get another agent, at least not anytime soon. I'm having trouble finding my footing again in this writing world, but I'm not giving up on it. This is my year of catching my breath and realizing what's important, and for me right now, it's finishing up ACCURSED*.
*And yes, obviously you, tiny person who is kicking my ribs as I write this!