Never Had a Friend Like Me
So, I am always torn with livejournal about whether to use it to chronicle my daily/weekly/monthly/yearly adventures, or to use it for some other means - as an emotional or creative outlet, for instance. Sometimes I feel like my life is fairly exciting, but when I try to put it down on paper/screen it comes out about as interesting as watching paint dry. LSATs (OVER!!!), health problems (far from over), marking papers, doing schoolwork, fighting for queer rights while trying to keep my often inappropriate sense of humour from alienating the people I am trying to help (yeah, there's a context to that, but it's unimportant) - these things are important to me, but if they're important to you, you probably already know about them. That doesn't mean I'll stop posting about them, because, let's be totally honest, posting on livejournal is for me as much a tool of procrastination as anything else. Sometimes, though, there are things that I really want to say on here, but don't for fear of sounding whiny/sounding like I'm trolling for approval/embarassing myself etc.
SoI'mjustgoingtogetthisoutandoverwith.
I have a lot of trouble making/keeping friends. I really, truly, honestly have no idea why this is. I think I'm fairly likeable, or at least as likeable as anyone can be expected to be. I try to be considerate and nice as much as possible. I have a lot of problems socially, not the least of which is my utter inability to remember people's names until I've been told upwards of ten times, but there are people with far worse problems than this who have lots of friends. And the thing is, it's not even that I don't have friends - I have plenty of people I would call friends, many of whom (I think) would reciprocate. Sometimes I feel though that unless I were to initiate contact, I could disappear off the face of the earth and no one would notice. I constantly go to events by myself only to find that my friends are there already, all together, in groups. They made plans, went together. I used to think that because I didn't invite people to do things, they didn't think to invite me. So, I started inviting people out or over as much as I could, messaging them, talking to them etc - in essence initiating contact and making sure they knew that I was, in fact, the sort of person who liked to do stuff. But it didn't help. Unless I ask people to go to something, I go alone - rarely if ever am I asked to go somewhere.
So that's my complaint, my conundrum, my curse. You know Mr. Cellophane from Chicago? (not his real name, but I'm referring to his song.) He's not unlikeable, in fact he's a painfully nice guy, but no one notices him. That's a sort of drastic/dramatic comparison, but in my worst moments that's how I feel. When people tell me all about the amazing weekends they had, or are going to have, or they tell me about this amazing show that I totally should have gone to, it makes me sad. Sometimes I'm lonely I guess, which is funny, considering that with my five hundred thousand committees and commitments I'm constantly surrounded by people. But I meet people who I think are really cool who I would love to spend more time with, and then because of the above-discussed disappointments am too scared to contact them further to try to initiate anything (girls in particular. They make me tongue-tied). In fact, there are definitely people reading this entry to whom this applies.
That's the end of my story I guess. Well, that and, if you're in Sackville and on my livejournal friends list, I probably would be thrilled if you emailed me some day to ask if I wanted to hang out, have coffee/tea, see a movie, chat, etc.
I remain cautiously optimistic that I will figure out this whole "friend" thing before graduation.
SoI'mjustgoingtogetthisoutandoverwith.
I have a lot of trouble making/keeping friends. I really, truly, honestly have no idea why this is. I think I'm fairly likeable, or at least as likeable as anyone can be expected to be. I try to be considerate and nice as much as possible. I have a lot of problems socially, not the least of which is my utter inability to remember people's names until I've been told upwards of ten times, but there are people with far worse problems than this who have lots of friends. And the thing is, it's not even that I don't have friends - I have plenty of people I would call friends, many of whom (I think) would reciprocate. Sometimes I feel though that unless I were to initiate contact, I could disappear off the face of the earth and no one would notice. I constantly go to events by myself only to find that my friends are there already, all together, in groups. They made plans, went together. I used to think that because I didn't invite people to do things, they didn't think to invite me. So, I started inviting people out or over as much as I could, messaging them, talking to them etc - in essence initiating contact and making sure they knew that I was, in fact, the sort of person who liked to do stuff. But it didn't help. Unless I ask people to go to something, I go alone - rarely if ever am I asked to go somewhere.
So that's my complaint, my conundrum, my curse. You know Mr. Cellophane from Chicago? (not his real name, but I'm referring to his song.) He's not unlikeable, in fact he's a painfully nice guy, but no one notices him. That's a sort of drastic/dramatic comparison, but in my worst moments that's how I feel. When people tell me all about the amazing weekends they had, or are going to have, or they tell me about this amazing show that I totally should have gone to, it makes me sad. Sometimes I'm lonely I guess, which is funny, considering that with my five hundred thousand committees and commitments I'm constantly surrounded by people. But I meet people who I think are really cool who I would love to spend more time with, and then because of the above-discussed disappointments am too scared to contact them further to try to initiate anything (girls in particular. They make me tongue-tied). In fact, there are definitely people reading this entry to whom this applies.
That's the end of my story I guess. Well, that and, if you're in Sackville and on my livejournal friends list, I probably would be thrilled if you emailed me some day to ask if I wanted to hang out, have coffee/tea, see a movie, chat, etc.
I remain cautiously optimistic that I will figure out this whole "friend" thing before graduation.