The email I'm working myself up to send...maybe on Friday when I can be away for a weekend....
Mommy,
Because you would not listen to me when I brought up the subject last week, and you refuse to listen to me when I talk about it any other time and you push it off as me just "having to learn," I'm writing you this letter. I am not happy. I am not happy because of the situation I have been put in because of this job. I know the money is good, and this job gives me an opportunity to get into a good field. I just feel that it is going nowhere (you said yourself Di doesn't give raises), and true I don't get in trouble for overtime like I did at my last job, but that's because DI doesn't pay overtime(she said it herself).
The following is everything that I want to say to you, but you refuse to listen to:
1. Location: It's a 2 and 1/2 hour drive south from my HOME in San Antonio, in Alice Texas. To be more persice it is about 9 mile North of Alice in the middle of nowhere, that's just the ranch. The office it self is located behind the horse stables and training rings, through the back gate. Now the office is a 3 room steel building with insufficient heat, very bad plumbing (the toliet won't flush and has only really worked properly since I started here at the end of October), and the electricity...let's just say the breaker switch gets flip happy sometimes.
2. Di: I really do like my boss as a person, but I can't work with her as an employee. She's fun and funny and lots of fun to hang out with, but I just cannot work with her. She creates a situation of high stress, and I can never do anything right. I'm not a mind reader, I can't do something unless she tell me the whole thing. I don't know what she's going to say before she begins to say it and then doesn't finish.
First off, the reason I am in Alice is because Di's in Houston, but wants to keep the business in Alice because of her clients here. I can see the reasoning, really I can. The only thing is, she's hardly EVER here, as in she's in Alice right now, but won't be here for much longer, or she says she's coming and never does. I didn't even see her till I drove to Houston the Sunday before Thanksgiving to set up the computer in the office she's setting up out there. This is not okay for me.
Second, Di's a sales person through and through, and I came to work with her with the impression that I would be able to do sales calls and marketing for her. She has made no movement towards this ends, so what do I do? I sort the mail, answer the phones, receive faxes, make invoices and pass along request for quotes. I'm a middleman. I can't do the quotes because I don't know the prices, who to go to to get the parts if we don't have them, etc. etc., so I basically pass along all information to her and Evie.
Third, and probably the biggest point of contention, is I was told GOING INTO this that I would be able to work from home in SAN ANTONIO, most of the week and go out to Alice for 2-3 days, once I got everything organized and got myself situatued. Well that isn't going to happen, because she said she only wanted me to do that if there's an emergency and I can't go to Alice or Houston(where ever she wants me to be at the time). Now Di is the kind of person that when she says something, she means it, and you know that, meaning that I will NEVER work from home, and that makes me inexplicably sad, frustrated, and angry.
Finally, she is assuming that I will be doing this for the long haul. I can't. If Rob gets moved somewhere farther afeild, I REFUSE to stay here without him. I REFUSE to move away from him just to stay with this job.
3. The Economics: I am currently paying about 1/4 of the money I earn (assuming I'm here all 40 hours each week) for rent and bills on an apartment I only occupy between 8 and 10 days a month. I spend around 250-300 dollars on gas to travel between Alice and San Antonio and Corpus Christi (where I am staying because I am not comfortable staying out in the middle of nowhere by myself). Also I have put over 10,500 mile on my brand new car, and I've only been driving it since June.
4. Mental Health: This situation has put me into a state where I would rather kill myself than stay with this job. If it weren't for Rob I would, simply because my mother would rather yell at me and defend her client (my boss) than listen to what I have to say and see the toll this whole thing is taking on me. I miss my home, I miss my fiance, I miss my cat and my own bed. Also I feel like a total failure, I live in the 7th largest city in the country and I couldn't find a good job there. I have two degrees for Christ sake, and while my last one wasn't the best at least I was around other people my own age and I wasn't stuck out in the middle of nowhere all alone.
GOD DAMN IT! I want you to be my mother, not the financial advisor/CPA to my boss, I wish you would just listen and understand. I wish you would just step into my view point and see where I am coming from.
On that note, when you was lecturing me about this (while I was crying mind you) you mentioned how you were seeing daddy when you were in Austin going to UT, how you would have to travel for work, that I should be used to the long distance and at least I get to see Rob on the weekend, and then you accused Rob of influencing me to explain away me wanting to go home (which you seem to do every chance you get).
1.) Rob and I did the long distance thing for a YEAR only seeing each other every 8 to 10 weeks and it was torture, absolutely, but we did it. We decided to move in together so we wouldn't have to do that any more. He got a job in San Antonio, so I moved there. If he had gotten a job in Florida, Nevada or hell, even ALASKA, I would have moved there. Not because he forced me to, because I wanted to. I feel that it is completely unfair to both of us for him to have moved her to be WITH ME and I'm now in a situation where I'm not there. This is not an idea he put in my head, it is something that I truely feel.
2.) Yes, you had to go to Laredo and Houston for work, but they were for days at a time. You didn't spend whole weeks, week after week in those places. You went for days and then got to come HOME to your bed, to the space where you felt comfortable and were able to unwind. Now you're able to go home every evening and unwind and be in that space with your family and your pets. I can't. When I stay out in Alice, I can't unwind because it's an unfamiliar place, when I come into Corpus Christi, I can't completely unwind because I'm living out of suitcase, and you won't listen to me when I make comments about things. So I have to keep all my feelings bottled up, and I can't relax at all.
3.) Yes I listen to Rob, but he has never, ever once influnced my decision to do something. He'll make his opinion known, just as you do, but in the end it's down to me. It was my decision to take this job, but when I said I would I was under the impression that I would be able to do it from home. I miss Rob, is that so hard to believe? That now I'm not just considering myself and my feelings, but his too. That's part of being in a relationship. He does the same for me, yes he took the job that moved him here, but he took it because he was excited about the company and the opportunities it provided him. I didn't make him move, he moved for himself. On that same note, he would have moved to where I was had I been the one to have gotten the job, but that's not how it turned out. I'm MARRYING Rob. If you don't want me to, then just say it, if you don't like him, tell me. But DO NOT, accuse him of manipulating me. Stop trying to make him the bad guy. I LOVE HIM.
You had mentioned before me working for you. If I did that, would I be able to work mostly from San Antonio? My reason for asking is I can't take this very much longer. I have given her a chance, but nothing has changed. I will quit in January if nothing changes. I would rather go to work for you if I am able to work from home in the arrangement similiar to the one you had told me I would have with Di, than be unemployed in the New Year. I was contacted by Helzberg Diamonds, and may have missed that chance, but I'm still going to call the woman back and see if there is a chance.
I just hate having this feeling of having done everything in my life affraid of dissappointing you if I didn't do it, and now I'm the major screw up after I've done everything you've wanted of me my entire life.
Because you would not listen to me when I brought up the subject last week, and you refuse to listen to me when I talk about it any other time and you push it off as me just "having to learn," I'm writing you this letter. I am not happy. I am not happy because of the situation I have been put in because of this job. I know the money is good, and this job gives me an opportunity to get into a good field. I just feel that it is going nowhere (you said yourself Di doesn't give raises), and true I don't get in trouble for overtime like I did at my last job, but that's because DI doesn't pay overtime(she said it herself).
The following is everything that I want to say to you, but you refuse to listen to:
1. Location: It's a 2 and 1/2 hour drive south from my HOME in San Antonio, in Alice Texas. To be more persice it is about 9 mile North of Alice in the middle of nowhere, that's just the ranch. The office it self is located behind the horse stables and training rings, through the back gate. Now the office is a 3 room steel building with insufficient heat, very bad plumbing (the toliet won't flush and has only really worked properly since I started here at the end of October), and the electricity...let's just say the breaker switch gets flip happy sometimes.
2. Di: I really do like my boss as a person, but I can't work with her as an employee. She's fun and funny and lots of fun to hang out with, but I just cannot work with her. She creates a situation of high stress, and I can never do anything right. I'm not a mind reader, I can't do something unless she tell me the whole thing. I don't know what she's going to say before she begins to say it and then doesn't finish.
First off, the reason I am in Alice is because Di's in Houston, but wants to keep the business in Alice because of her clients here. I can see the reasoning, really I can. The only thing is, she's hardly EVER here, as in she's in Alice right now, but won't be here for much longer, or she says she's coming and never does. I didn't even see her till I drove to Houston the Sunday before Thanksgiving to set up the computer in the office she's setting up out there. This is not okay for me.
Second, Di's a sales person through and through, and I came to work with her with the impression that I would be able to do sales calls and marketing for her. She has made no movement towards this ends, so what do I do? I sort the mail, answer the phones, receive faxes, make invoices and pass along request for quotes. I'm a middleman. I can't do the quotes because I don't know the prices, who to go to to get the parts if we don't have them, etc. etc., so I basically pass along all information to her and Evie.
Third, and probably the biggest point of contention, is I was told GOING INTO this that I would be able to work from home in SAN ANTONIO, most of the week and go out to Alice for 2-3 days, once I got everything organized and got myself situatued. Well that isn't going to happen, because she said she only wanted me to do that if there's an emergency and I can't go to Alice or Houston(where ever she wants me to be at the time). Now Di is the kind of person that when she says something, she means it, and you know that, meaning that I will NEVER work from home, and that makes me inexplicably sad, frustrated, and angry.
Finally, she is assuming that I will be doing this for the long haul. I can't. If Rob gets moved somewhere farther afeild, I REFUSE to stay here without him. I REFUSE to move away from him just to stay with this job.
3. The Economics: I am currently paying about 1/4 of the money I earn (assuming I'm here all 40 hours each week) for rent and bills on an apartment I only occupy between 8 and 10 days a month. I spend around 250-300 dollars on gas to travel between Alice and San Antonio and Corpus Christi (where I am staying because I am not comfortable staying out in the middle of nowhere by myself). Also I have put over 10,500 mile on my brand new car, and I've only been driving it since June.
4. Mental Health: This situation has put me into a state where I would rather kill myself than stay with this job. If it weren't for Rob I would, simply because my mother would rather yell at me and defend her client (my boss) than listen to what I have to say and see the toll this whole thing is taking on me. I miss my home, I miss my fiance, I miss my cat and my own bed. Also I feel like a total failure, I live in the 7th largest city in the country and I couldn't find a good job there. I have two degrees for Christ sake, and while my last one wasn't the best at least I was around other people my own age and I wasn't stuck out in the middle of nowhere all alone.
GOD DAMN IT! I want you to be my mother, not the financial advisor/CPA to my boss, I wish you would just listen and understand. I wish you would just step into my view point and see where I am coming from.
On that note, when you was lecturing me about this (while I was crying mind you) you mentioned how you were seeing daddy when you were in Austin going to UT, how you would have to travel for work, that I should be used to the long distance and at least I get to see Rob on the weekend, and then you accused Rob of influencing me to explain away me wanting to go home (which you seem to do every chance you get).
1.) Rob and I did the long distance thing for a YEAR only seeing each other every 8 to 10 weeks and it was torture, absolutely, but we did it. We decided to move in together so we wouldn't have to do that any more. He got a job in San Antonio, so I moved there. If he had gotten a job in Florida, Nevada or hell, even ALASKA, I would have moved there. Not because he forced me to, because I wanted to. I feel that it is completely unfair to both of us for him to have moved her to be WITH ME and I'm now in a situation where I'm not there. This is not an idea he put in my head, it is something that I truely feel.
2.) Yes, you had to go to Laredo and Houston for work, but they were for days at a time. You didn't spend whole weeks, week after week in those places. You went for days and then got to come HOME to your bed, to the space where you felt comfortable and were able to unwind. Now you're able to go home every evening and unwind and be in that space with your family and your pets. I can't. When I stay out in Alice, I can't unwind because it's an unfamiliar place, when I come into Corpus Christi, I can't completely unwind because I'm living out of suitcase, and you won't listen to me when I make comments about things. So I have to keep all my feelings bottled up, and I can't relax at all.
3.) Yes I listen to Rob, but he has never, ever once influnced my decision to do something. He'll make his opinion known, just as you do, but in the end it's down to me. It was my decision to take this job, but when I said I would I was under the impression that I would be able to do it from home. I miss Rob, is that so hard to believe? That now I'm not just considering myself and my feelings, but his too. That's part of being in a relationship. He does the same for me, yes he took the job that moved him here, but he took it because he was excited about the company and the opportunities it provided him. I didn't make him move, he moved for himself. On that same note, he would have moved to where I was had I been the one to have gotten the job, but that's not how it turned out. I'm MARRYING Rob. If you don't want me to, then just say it, if you don't like him, tell me. But DO NOT, accuse him of manipulating me. Stop trying to make him the bad guy. I LOVE HIM.
You had mentioned before me working for you. If I did that, would I be able to work mostly from San Antonio? My reason for asking is I can't take this very much longer. I have given her a chance, but nothing has changed. I will quit in January if nothing changes. I would rather go to work for you if I am able to work from home in the arrangement similiar to the one you had told me I would have with Di, than be unemployed in the New Year. I was contacted by Helzberg Diamonds, and may have missed that chance, but I'm still going to call the woman back and see if there is a chance.
I just hate having this feeling of having done everything in my life affraid of dissappointing you if I didn't do it, and now I'm the major screw up after I've done everything you've wanted of me my entire life.