Kirkland Lake
What a bizarre week.
I feel like this is the most depressed I have ever been, but then again, that’s how I usually feel when I am depressed.
I feel like I have been depressed for a long time.
I feel like what has really changed, though, is that I am less optimistic about things than I used to be. Which I hate. I don’t want to be jaded. I am trying to think that hitting the bottom here is a way for me to learn exactly what the bottom feels like. Like, really get a good look around. Because it’s easy to talk about picking yourself up and starting again when you are in a good position, or at least in a neutral position. But when you feel like your life is seriously fucked forever, well, that’s a little harder to come out of.
I could give my usual laundry list of why I am depressed - ie, why are there people less qualified and less intelligent than me in better positions? What the hell is wrong with me? Why I am so trapped? Why the hell can’t I escape my parents’ house?
…but what’s the point? There is no point. And most of my assumptions, are ultimately not true.
I am trying to be brave. It’s hard. I don’t think that there is anyone to talk to about it with. I need a good mentor, I think, to help me get out of this. I don’t even know how to start looking for one.
And It’s easy to blame myself for stupid things, like, why did I take such a nebulous degree? Why did I get into so much debt?
But I could never have forseen the recession (which did, in fact, screw me for various reasons), and it’s not my fault my parents couldn’t pay for my university (unlike certain of my (ex)friends who seem to have advanced unfairly. I am trying very hard not to become genuinely bitter, since I know that that runs in my family and does ugly, ugly things to people.
I guess what I really want is some stability, which I haven’t had pretty much since I started university. No stable job, no predictable source of income, not even close.
I want to make things better for my family, especially my poor mom, who deserves better than what she has right now. Last night I read this article about this guy who had a stroke at 40-something and was mentally incapacitated, and it terrified me. I don’t want that happening to my mom, but she is not taking care of her health in the way that she needs to.
I want to be able to go and do crazy things, like move to Europe for x period of time. I want to travel, so, so badly. I want to have such skills that I can work from anywhere.
Anyways, I feel slightly better now.
I have goals… kinda *had* goals, but it has been very hard this past week to do anything. Paul has been harassing me constantly (out of boredom) and Kevin has this obnoxious music that makes it impossible to concentrate. I just want to sit and feel sorry for myself and, increasingly, eat bad things.
And I miss my boyfriend very badly. I wish it didn’t have to be such a production to go and see him. Right now he feels like a faraway ghost. It’s hard to believe that we once lived together. That seems like this weird, transient dream. The summer in general seems so far away.
Right now I am really tempted to just drop everything and go see him. Just get on a plane and fuck everything here. I feel like there is nothing here for me but a shitty job and a family that cares about me but doesn’t really respect me.
Anyways, tomorrow is another day, our last in Kirkland Lake (thank god) and then two days off before Peterborough.
I will work on getting better and hopefully be right back on track for my goals next week.
On the plus side, Kevin is a really fun manager and I am still getting along with Anna. And hey, at least I have a job and will complete another degree (certificate) in not too much time. And I do have friends that love me that I really should try and keep in touch with. I just need to get over being sick. Ugh.
Love
I feel like this is the most depressed I have ever been, but then again, that’s how I usually feel when I am depressed.
I feel like I have been depressed for a long time.
I feel like what has really changed, though, is that I am less optimistic about things than I used to be. Which I hate. I don’t want to be jaded. I am trying to think that hitting the bottom here is a way for me to learn exactly what the bottom feels like. Like, really get a good look around. Because it’s easy to talk about picking yourself up and starting again when you are in a good position, or at least in a neutral position. But when you feel like your life is seriously fucked forever, well, that’s a little harder to come out of.
I could give my usual laundry list of why I am depressed - ie, why are there people less qualified and less intelligent than me in better positions? What the hell is wrong with me? Why I am so trapped? Why the hell can’t I escape my parents’ house?
…but what’s the point? There is no point. And most of my assumptions, are ultimately not true.
I am trying to be brave. It’s hard. I don’t think that there is anyone to talk to about it with. I need a good mentor, I think, to help me get out of this. I don’t even know how to start looking for one.
And It’s easy to blame myself for stupid things, like, why did I take such a nebulous degree? Why did I get into so much debt?
But I could never have forseen the recession (which did, in fact, screw me for various reasons), and it’s not my fault my parents couldn’t pay for my university (unlike certain of my (ex)friends who seem to have advanced unfairly. I am trying very hard not to become genuinely bitter, since I know that that runs in my family and does ugly, ugly things to people.
I guess what I really want is some stability, which I haven’t had pretty much since I started university. No stable job, no predictable source of income, not even close.
I want to make things better for my family, especially my poor mom, who deserves better than what she has right now. Last night I read this article about this guy who had a stroke at 40-something and was mentally incapacitated, and it terrified me. I don’t want that happening to my mom, but she is not taking care of her health in the way that she needs to.
I want to be able to go and do crazy things, like move to Europe for x period of time. I want to travel, so, so badly. I want to have such skills that I can work from anywhere.
Anyways, I feel slightly better now.
I have goals… kinda *had* goals, but it has been very hard this past week to do anything. Paul has been harassing me constantly (out of boredom) and Kevin has this obnoxious music that makes it impossible to concentrate. I just want to sit and feel sorry for myself and, increasingly, eat bad things.
And I miss my boyfriend very badly. I wish it didn’t have to be such a production to go and see him. Right now he feels like a faraway ghost. It’s hard to believe that we once lived together. That seems like this weird, transient dream. The summer in general seems so far away.
Right now I am really tempted to just drop everything and go see him. Just get on a plane and fuck everything here. I feel like there is nothing here for me but a shitty job and a family that cares about me but doesn’t really respect me.
Anyways, tomorrow is another day, our last in Kirkland Lake (thank god) and then two days off before Peterborough.
I will work on getting better and hopefully be right back on track for my goals next week.
On the plus side, Kevin is a really fun manager and I am still getting along with Anna. And hey, at least I have a job and will complete another degree (certificate) in not too much time. And I do have friends that love me that I really should try and keep in touch with. I just need to get over being sick. Ugh.
Love