For spacedwriter
You know, I've had an LJ comment from you sitting in my in-box since August, reminding me to write a certain story for you. I have finally done the story, so I clicked on 'reply' and your original post wasn't there! It was, if you recall, the list of questions for the Church of Scientology. However, despite you deleting the post, I still have the story for you because I'm (almost) nice. This, if you will recall, is what prompted it:
Have you ever pretended to be dead? LYLE! Wouldn't he be funny taking this questionaire? /waits for someone else to write that/
Damn, now you're making me do it! Bugger!
Their reply was:
Yeeeeeesss! /cheers happily/ Yay KB!
(ETA: For those who don't know, this questionnaire was floating around LJ as a meme in about August of 2005 as questions that had to be answered before you could join the Chuch of Scientology. A bit of Internet research suggests that actually they are questions asked of existing members who are hooked up to lie-detectors and similar equipment. Presumably they wouldn't be expecting quite such... er, blunt answers as those provided by our old friend, Mr Lyle...)
For your entertainment, I present:
Lyle finds religion - or it finds him
“Just fill this in for us, sir. There’s no hurry. And if I could have the pen back…”
Lyle gave the receptionist his most pleasant smile. “Of course,” he agreed, before taking a seat on the opposite side of the room. As he filled in his personal details, he glanced up at the woman every so often. It was a shame she wasn’t Asian, but perhaps she would still be fun. He would talk to her when he was finished answering the list of questions she had given him. Turning over the page, he read the directions:
Comment on each if you wish.
1. Have you ever enslaved a population?
A whole population? Lyle gave the question a considered glance. Exactly how did one define ‘population’? If it was ‘a group of people’, then yes. More than once. Lyle briefly blessed his biological father, scribbled a brief answer in the affirmative and moved on.
2. Have you ever implanted anyone?
This brought a hollow chuckle that make the woman at the desk look sharply in his direction. Lyle thought it was the apparent assumption that he had only done this once that was so amusing. Another positive response and move on.
3. Have you ever sacked a city?
Gee, only the third question and he already had a ‘no’! It wasn’t a city. More a sort of village. And it had only been in a simulation. Lyle just hoped there was a question about radiation on the way, and that they would give him more than one line. He really wanted the chance to provide some details.
4. Have you ever sunk, or otherwise destroyed, a non-combatant vessel?
A quick ‘yes’ and move on. No need for details. He would always enjoy the memory of them screaming as they sank into the burning water with its thick layer of oil, but that was for him alone.
5. Have you ever abused hostages, or prisoners?
Thankfully, this question was phrased in the plural. Heck, he had done it so often, but by far the most fun was with Sydney’s son - at least until Jarod showed up.
6. Have you ever ordered, or yourself committed, genocide?
It was the lack of space that was proving to be really frustrating. Why wasn’t he able to put down the details? After all, that had been absolute poetry, that day.
7. Have you ever annihilated a population?
‘See question 8’ he wrote, having missed this question on his first go through and really having already answered.
8. Have you ever poisoned food or drinking supplies?
Best way to annihilate a population, surely! That was just common sense…
9. Have you ever strangled anyone?
When he dreamed about Jimmy Radloff, it was with his hands around his supposed friend’s throat. Unfortunately, to maintain the illusion of an accident, it had had to be far too quick…
10. Have you ever deliberately spread disease?
Lyle chuckled under his breath and wrote a very firm ‘yes’.
11. Have you ever degraded a religion?
Well, he had refused to allow any of his brides a religious ceremony…
12. Have you ever raped a child of either sex?
A definite ‘yes’ to that one. Lyle looked back over his paper and wondered if there was anything he could do about that ‘no’ above. It was really a black mark on his record there.
13. Have you ever warped an educational system?
Another quick yes. After all, the Pretender program was completely different now from what it had been when he had had to endure it.
14. Have you ever deprived people of hope?
A wide grin crossed Lyle’s face, but how could he possibly find space to list all of them? Darn them and their single lines provided for answers!
15. Have you ever committed murder?
Yes. Simple and straightforward.
16. Have you ever destroyed a culture?
Again, it came down to definition. Lyle sucked the end of his pen as he thought, but was eventually forced to write down ‘most recently in 2001’ and hoped that would be sufficient.
17. Have you ever forced anyone into an undesired beingness?
Well, he had been a major part in the creation of various clones, and he supposed they didn’t really want to exist, particularly considering they were only made to be cut up and shared around like a download from Napster.
18. Have you ever stolen a body from another being?
Well, there was always Jimmy. But did ‘being’ exclude humans? He would have to think about that and come back to it. Lyle drew a star in the margin next to the question and continued.
19. Have you ever destroyed an economy?
Well, there was the Argentinian bank crisis, but Lyle refused to take full blame for that one…
20. Is anybody seeking to discover your whereabouts?
Lyle wrote ‘YES’ all in capitals and underlined it for emphasis.
21. Have you ever violated a nation's neutrality?
Well, he had tried. Lyle found himself wishing he hadn’t given in so quickly to that foreign minister’s offers. Of course, his weakness always had been Asian women and they had found that out somehow.
22. Have you ever broken a treaty?
Lyle cast an irritated glance at his thumbless hand and grumpily wrote ‘yes’. Boy, these forms really opened a lot of old wounds. No pun.
23. Have you ever blanketed bodies for the sensation trick?
If the ‘sensation trick’ was something you performed for the Triumvirate, then he supposed he had.
24. Have you ever upset an ecology?
Was it really his fault that the ingredients for some of the biological weapons he had perfected happened to upset the balance of life sometimes?
25. Have you persecuted others for their religious or political beliefs?
Not often. He would have to work on that one.
26. Have you ever interfered with the free flow of trade?
Wasn’t that how the Centre worked?
27. Have you ever been a crook?
‘Ever been’? Did that mean he could only answer that question if he no longer was? And ‘crook’ was such a refined word! Rolled off the tongue like a good red.
28. Have you ever obliterated a language?
Hmm, there was that small African tribe with its own language that had been brought over to the Centre during the 70s. But it wasn’t his fault that the last survivor had tried to escape and Lyle had had to shoot him.
29. Have you ever stamped out a religion?
Lyle wrote ‘see previous question’ with regret, as he thought he really should have tried something on a much larger scale by now. After all, he was forty-five and there were standards he really ought to have attained.
30. Have you ever deliberately trained people in untruths for power, or profit?
HAD he? What kind of a stupid question was that?!
31. Have you ever defiled religious places, persons, or objects?
Well, that related back to question 29. He’d done it a little bit, but really, he should have made more of an effort.
32. Have you ever practiced terrorism?
Practiced? He was an expert!
33. Have you ever done anything you would not like to think of yourself as having done?
Well, he had patted a puppy once…
34. Have you ever been a coward?
Never! Lyle had spent months trying to forget about that nasty occasion in the Appalachians when he had tried to catch Jarod by kidnapping Nicholas, as well as breathing a sigh of relief that no one in authority had ever found out about it.
35. Have you ever trapped a thetan?
Lyle studied the question for a moment and then, when no explanation was forthcoming, reached into his pocket for his electronic crossword solver. Nothing. However, a quick glance around at the posters on the walls told him that a ‘thetan’ was the spiritual part of a man and Lyle was delighted to both have learned something new and to be able to write another definite ‘yes’!
36. Have you ever prided yourself on your wickedness?
Constantly. Lyle smirked and moved on.
37. Have you ever destroyed artistic productions, or creations?
Often. Nothing more needed.
38. Have you burned literature?
Well, the smoke detectors went off if you lit a fire inside the Centre - and how they weren’t alerted by the numbers of cigarettes his sister used to smoke, he had no idea - but he had done it often enough outside!
39. Have you ever forbidden people to practice their own customs?
Again, often. These short answers were great!
40. Have you ever perverted a people's customs?
‘A’ person’s? Only one?! Lyle was becoming irritated at this assumption that he wasn’t a repeat offender.
41. Have you ever done anything which you hoped would be wiped out by the passage of time?
Again, that irritating puppy thing…
42. Do you deserve to be punished into eternity for something you've done? If so, what is it?
Well, Lyle figured, if there was a God, it wouldn’t have been possible to avoid breaking at least one of their stupid rules, so he supposed so. Unless, of course, he was God. Now there was an interesting conundrum…
43. Have you ever exposed infants?
Exposed them to what? Radiation? Poisons? Acid? Oh, yeah…
44. Have you ever bred bodies for degrading purposes?
Lyle snickered - softly this time - and wrote a simple yes as he thought of the rows of dismembered corpses in the lower levels of the Centre.
45. Is there anything you would have done differently if you had had more data?
Not underestimated Jarod bringing back-up in the - thankfully now deceased - shape of Kyle when he came down to Red Rock in answer to Lyle’s email…
46. Have you ever forced beings into unwanted bodies?
This was all a bit weirdly spiritual, but then Lyle remembered an hypnotic experiment where the Centre had successfully switched personalities in two subjects who had worked together for years. That had been fun!
47. Have you deliberately prevented beings from exteriorizing?
Further experiments in the same vein as 46 had caused something similar to what he imagined this was asking…
48. Have you done anything to a person, group, or thing that wasn't deserved?
Hell, no! They deserved it all!
49. Have you ever deserted a just cause?
Well, the Yakuza would say he had…
50. Have you ever debased a nation's currency?
He wrote ‘See 19’ and moved on.
51. Have you ever deliberately tortured someone?
SomeONE? Lyle wrote ‘God, yes’, but decided the details were really something that he would prefer to keep to himself. It was more fun that way.
52. Have you ever enslaved another being?
Lyle rolled his eyes and wrote ‘all the time’. Stupid question.
53. Have you ever gained, or maintained, a position by portraying yourself as victimized?
Hmm, there was that occasion after Jarod had threatened him with jumper leads that his sister had come to his ‘rescue’.
54. Have you ever undermined a people's trust?
Again ‘often’. No more needed.
55. Have you driven anyone insane?
Lyle chuckled, at which point the woman behind the desk hurriedly left the room.
56. Have you ever been a professional prostitute?
‘Prostitute’ was another unpleasant word, with such negative connotations. But yes…
57. Have you ever been a criminal?
‘Ever been’?! Lyle was very unhappy about the way these questions assumed he was changing in some way…
58. Have you ever trained people for criminal purposes?
‘Frequently’.
59. Have you ever been a pervert?
Now that was downright offensive! What a horrible word! Pervert! He was a connoisseur of unusual delights, that was all.
60. Have you ever recruited anyone for an unworthy purpose?
Well, the Centre wasn’t unworthy, so that came close to being a ‘no’, but then Lyle remembered when he had been roped into working on his class’s page for the school magazine. In the end, he had ‘recruited’ another classmate, who had done the work for him.
61. Have you ever traded in others' bodies for profit or power?
Lyle nodded in satisfaction as he read this question, but a quick ‘yes’ would do.
62. Have you ever stolen a mock-up or facsimile?
Oh, often! Easiest thing in the world, and sometimes the only way to know what was really going on at the Centre
63. Have you ever usurped a location?
Lyle thought of ‘Daddy’ - Mr Parker - and smirked again.
64. Have you ever made things scarce so that you might profit unfairly?
Hmm, that was an interesting one, and Lyle wasn’t really sure he ever had. Another he would have to come back to.
65. Have you ever made a practice of creating emergencies?
Hmm, starting with the ‘emergency’ of people looking for him after he pretended to be dead the first time, most definitely yes.
66. Have you ever practiced human sacrifice?
Yup, and enjoyed it, too!
67. Have you ever assumed a beingness which was not rightfully yours?
Oh, yes! Yes, yes, yes!!!
68. Have you ever killed the wrong person?
Well, he had been aiming at Jarod. Damn Kyle!
69. Have you ever punished an innocent person?
Define ‘innocent’, he mused.
70. Is anybody looking for you?
He’d already answered that, hadn’t he? Lyle looked back through his answers and found question 20. That was that then.
71. Have you ever systematically degraded an individual, or population, or mock-up?
Lyle was getting a bit sick of these, and looking through the sheet, there were clearly a lot to go. He decided to skip the ones that would only require single-word answers and just give details when he felt he had to share. Like this question, for instance. Surely it was the same as a few others. He let his eyes slip down the page.
73. Have you betrayed someone, or something, which deserved your help?
Ooh, he liked this one, but again, there wasn’t enough space for details. In the end, he listed the people involved and still had to write in the margins.
81. Have you ever sought to render others dependent on you?
Again, surely this was the point of the Centre! Raines had taught him well.
94. Have you ever maimed, and crippled, other people's bodies?
Ooh, what a nice question! He thought of his little room in the basement of his house and smiled. The new receptionist who had come to replace her concerned colleague shot him a wary glance, but Lyle never noticed.
102. Have you ever given cause a bad name?
Not one that it didn’t have already! At least, as long as that ‘cause’ was the Centre!
107. Have you ever made a practice of confusing people?
Gee, he liked the wording of this one. ‘Confused’ sounded so much better than ‘tortured’, ‘lacerated’, or ‘murdered’.
111. Have you made a practice of worrying people?
Hey, another with nice innocuous phrasing! Things were looking up!
115. Have you ever pretended to be dead?
Surely he’d already answered this one…
119. Have you ever deliberately disfigured another's body?
Why did they have this question when the next few asked the same things? He wrote ‘Yes to qs 119-125’ and moved on.
129. Have you ever held others in pawn for profit?
Again, this was what the Centre did!
140. Have you ever maltreated a pregnant woman, or pregnant animal?
141. Have you ever corrupted a child?
He liked these two questions! It was as if they had been written for him!
151. Have you ever permitted a subordinate of yours to be punished for your mistakes?
Hey, this was a great question for him! ‘Yes’ just wouldn’t cut it here. He wrote as many details as he could fit in the small space provided and wished there was more.
169. Have you ever deserted your own children?
For the first time, Lyle wondered if he actually had any…
178. Have you ever wanted to disown a deed of yours?
Darn it, there was that puppy-stroking thing again! If only it had been a pussy instead…
214. Have you ever sought to convince another that there was no difference between right and wrong?
Surely that was what he had trained in Alex for!
215. Have you ever been a pimp?
What a horrible word! Lyle looked at it with distaste and didn’t deign to answer.
218. Have you ever assisted an evildoer?
Well, they didn't know it at the time...
232. Have you ever deliberately caused a sane person to be committed to a mental institution?
Ah, he had been hoping this would come up! He thought of his sister, helpless after being shot in the bad, and chuckled, earning him another look from the receptionist.
260. Have you ever boiled someone's living body in oil?
Well, that came as part of the answer to the next question. They tasted better if they had begun cooking while they were still alive - kind of like lobsters.
261. Have you ever eaten a human body?
‘Only after being delicately fried.’ Yes, that should give them enough information.
262. Have you ever eaten the body of a member of your own species?
Well, what species did they think he was? In a huff, he wrote ‘see above question’ and moved on.
281. Have you ever produced a bastard?
That came back to whether he had any children. Lyle thought he might see if he could find out. He knew of at least one empty room at the Centre.
301. Have you deliberately set property afire?
Hmm, Lyle wondered if SL-27 counted as ‘property’.
306. Is there any place you'd better not return to?
Japan suddenly sprang to mind…
Reaching the end of the questions, Lyle flipped back through the pages, glad to see that he had an almost perfect record. There was still that puppy incident, but perhaps they would forgive that. He hoped so, anyway. Whistling softly, he deposited the clipboard at the empty reception desk - the second receptionist had fled after her colleague some time ago - and happily left the building.
Have you ever pretended to be dead? LYLE! Wouldn't he be funny taking this questionaire? /waits for someone else to write that/
Damn, now you're making me do it! Bugger!
Their reply was:
Yeeeeeesss! /cheers happily/ Yay KB!
(ETA: For those who don't know, this questionnaire was floating around LJ as a meme in about August of 2005 as questions that had to be answered before you could join the Chuch of Scientology. A bit of Internet research suggests that actually they are questions asked of existing members who are hooked up to lie-detectors and similar equipment. Presumably they wouldn't be expecting quite such... er, blunt answers as those provided by our old friend, Mr Lyle...)
For your entertainment, I present:
Lyle finds religion - or it finds him
“Just fill this in for us, sir. There’s no hurry. And if I could have the pen back…”
Lyle gave the receptionist his most pleasant smile. “Of course,” he agreed, before taking a seat on the opposite side of the room. As he filled in his personal details, he glanced up at the woman every so often. It was a shame she wasn’t Asian, but perhaps she would still be fun. He would talk to her when he was finished answering the list of questions she had given him. Turning over the page, he read the directions:
Comment on each if you wish.
1. Have you ever enslaved a population?
A whole population? Lyle gave the question a considered glance. Exactly how did one define ‘population’? If it was ‘a group of people’, then yes. More than once. Lyle briefly blessed his biological father, scribbled a brief answer in the affirmative and moved on.
2. Have you ever implanted anyone?
This brought a hollow chuckle that make the woman at the desk look sharply in his direction. Lyle thought it was the apparent assumption that he had only done this once that was so amusing. Another positive response and move on.
3. Have you ever sacked a city?
Gee, only the third question and he already had a ‘no’! It wasn’t a city. More a sort of village. And it had only been in a simulation. Lyle just hoped there was a question about radiation on the way, and that they would give him more than one line. He really wanted the chance to provide some details.
4. Have you ever sunk, or otherwise destroyed, a non-combatant vessel?
A quick ‘yes’ and move on. No need for details. He would always enjoy the memory of them screaming as they sank into the burning water with its thick layer of oil, but that was for him alone.
5. Have you ever abused hostages, or prisoners?
Thankfully, this question was phrased in the plural. Heck, he had done it so often, but by far the most fun was with Sydney’s son - at least until Jarod showed up.
6. Have you ever ordered, or yourself committed, genocide?
It was the lack of space that was proving to be really frustrating. Why wasn’t he able to put down the details? After all, that had been absolute poetry, that day.
7. Have you ever annihilated a population?
‘See question 8’ he wrote, having missed this question on his first go through and really having already answered.
8. Have you ever poisoned food or drinking supplies?
Best way to annihilate a population, surely! That was just common sense…
9. Have you ever strangled anyone?
When he dreamed about Jimmy Radloff, it was with his hands around his supposed friend’s throat. Unfortunately, to maintain the illusion of an accident, it had had to be far too quick…
10. Have you ever deliberately spread disease?
Lyle chuckled under his breath and wrote a very firm ‘yes’.
11. Have you ever degraded a religion?
Well, he had refused to allow any of his brides a religious ceremony…
12. Have you ever raped a child of either sex?
A definite ‘yes’ to that one. Lyle looked back over his paper and wondered if there was anything he could do about that ‘no’ above. It was really a black mark on his record there.
13. Have you ever warped an educational system?
Another quick yes. After all, the Pretender program was completely different now from what it had been when he had had to endure it.
14. Have you ever deprived people of hope?
A wide grin crossed Lyle’s face, but how could he possibly find space to list all of them? Darn them and their single lines provided for answers!
15. Have you ever committed murder?
Yes. Simple and straightforward.
16. Have you ever destroyed a culture?
Again, it came down to definition. Lyle sucked the end of his pen as he thought, but was eventually forced to write down ‘most recently in 2001’ and hoped that would be sufficient.
17. Have you ever forced anyone into an undesired beingness?
Well, he had been a major part in the creation of various clones, and he supposed they didn’t really want to exist, particularly considering they were only made to be cut up and shared around like a download from Napster.
18. Have you ever stolen a body from another being?
Well, there was always Jimmy. But did ‘being’ exclude humans? He would have to think about that and come back to it. Lyle drew a star in the margin next to the question and continued.
19. Have you ever destroyed an economy?
Well, there was the Argentinian bank crisis, but Lyle refused to take full blame for that one…
20. Is anybody seeking to discover your whereabouts?
Lyle wrote ‘YES’ all in capitals and underlined it for emphasis.
21. Have you ever violated a nation's neutrality?
Well, he had tried. Lyle found himself wishing he hadn’t given in so quickly to that foreign minister’s offers. Of course, his weakness always had been Asian women and they had found that out somehow.
22. Have you ever broken a treaty?
Lyle cast an irritated glance at his thumbless hand and grumpily wrote ‘yes’. Boy, these forms really opened a lot of old wounds. No pun.
23. Have you ever blanketed bodies for the sensation trick?
If the ‘sensation trick’ was something you performed for the Triumvirate, then he supposed he had.
24. Have you ever upset an ecology?
Was it really his fault that the ingredients for some of the biological weapons he had perfected happened to upset the balance of life sometimes?
25. Have you persecuted others for their religious or political beliefs?
Not often. He would have to work on that one.
26. Have you ever interfered with the free flow of trade?
Wasn’t that how the Centre worked?
27. Have you ever been a crook?
‘Ever been’? Did that mean he could only answer that question if he no longer was? And ‘crook’ was such a refined word! Rolled off the tongue like a good red.
28. Have you ever obliterated a language?
Hmm, there was that small African tribe with its own language that had been brought over to the Centre during the 70s. But it wasn’t his fault that the last survivor had tried to escape and Lyle had had to shoot him.
29. Have you ever stamped out a religion?
Lyle wrote ‘see previous question’ with regret, as he thought he really should have tried something on a much larger scale by now. After all, he was forty-five and there were standards he really ought to have attained.
30. Have you ever deliberately trained people in untruths for power, or profit?
HAD he? What kind of a stupid question was that?!
31. Have you ever defiled religious places, persons, or objects?
Well, that related back to question 29. He’d done it a little bit, but really, he should have made more of an effort.
32. Have you ever practiced terrorism?
Practiced? He was an expert!
33. Have you ever done anything you would not like to think of yourself as having done?
Well, he had patted a puppy once…
34. Have you ever been a coward?
Never! Lyle had spent months trying to forget about that nasty occasion in the Appalachians when he had tried to catch Jarod by kidnapping Nicholas, as well as breathing a sigh of relief that no one in authority had ever found out about it.
35. Have you ever trapped a thetan?
Lyle studied the question for a moment and then, when no explanation was forthcoming, reached into his pocket for his electronic crossword solver. Nothing. However, a quick glance around at the posters on the walls told him that a ‘thetan’ was the spiritual part of a man and Lyle was delighted to both have learned something new and to be able to write another definite ‘yes’!
36. Have you ever prided yourself on your wickedness?
Constantly. Lyle smirked and moved on.
37. Have you ever destroyed artistic productions, or creations?
Often. Nothing more needed.
38. Have you burned literature?
Well, the smoke detectors went off if you lit a fire inside the Centre - and how they weren’t alerted by the numbers of cigarettes his sister used to smoke, he had no idea - but he had done it often enough outside!
39. Have you ever forbidden people to practice their own customs?
Again, often. These short answers were great!
40. Have you ever perverted a people's customs?
‘A’ person’s? Only one?! Lyle was becoming irritated at this assumption that he wasn’t a repeat offender.
41. Have you ever done anything which you hoped would be wiped out by the passage of time?
Again, that irritating puppy thing…
42. Do you deserve to be punished into eternity for something you've done? If so, what is it?
Well, Lyle figured, if there was a God, it wouldn’t have been possible to avoid breaking at least one of their stupid rules, so he supposed so. Unless, of course, he was God. Now there was an interesting conundrum…
43. Have you ever exposed infants?
Exposed them to what? Radiation? Poisons? Acid? Oh, yeah…
44. Have you ever bred bodies for degrading purposes?
Lyle snickered - softly this time - and wrote a simple yes as he thought of the rows of dismembered corpses in the lower levels of the Centre.
45. Is there anything you would have done differently if you had had more data?
Not underestimated Jarod bringing back-up in the - thankfully now deceased - shape of Kyle when he came down to Red Rock in answer to Lyle’s email…
46. Have you ever forced beings into unwanted bodies?
This was all a bit weirdly spiritual, but then Lyle remembered an hypnotic experiment where the Centre had successfully switched personalities in two subjects who had worked together for years. That had been fun!
47. Have you deliberately prevented beings from exteriorizing?
Further experiments in the same vein as 46 had caused something similar to what he imagined this was asking…
48. Have you done anything to a person, group, or thing that wasn't deserved?
Hell, no! They deserved it all!
49. Have you ever deserted a just cause?
Well, the Yakuza would say he had…
50. Have you ever debased a nation's currency?
He wrote ‘See 19’ and moved on.
51. Have you ever deliberately tortured someone?
SomeONE? Lyle wrote ‘God, yes’, but decided the details were really something that he would prefer to keep to himself. It was more fun that way.
52. Have you ever enslaved another being?
Lyle rolled his eyes and wrote ‘all the time’. Stupid question.
53. Have you ever gained, or maintained, a position by portraying yourself as victimized?
Hmm, there was that occasion after Jarod had threatened him with jumper leads that his sister had come to his ‘rescue’.
54. Have you ever undermined a people's trust?
Again ‘often’. No more needed.
55. Have you driven anyone insane?
Lyle chuckled, at which point the woman behind the desk hurriedly left the room.
56. Have you ever been a professional prostitute?
‘Prostitute’ was another unpleasant word, with such negative connotations. But yes…
57. Have you ever been a criminal?
‘Ever been’?! Lyle was very unhappy about the way these questions assumed he was changing in some way…
58. Have you ever trained people for criminal purposes?
‘Frequently’.
59. Have you ever been a pervert?
Now that was downright offensive! What a horrible word! Pervert! He was a connoisseur of unusual delights, that was all.
60. Have you ever recruited anyone for an unworthy purpose?
Well, the Centre wasn’t unworthy, so that came close to being a ‘no’, but then Lyle remembered when he had been roped into working on his class’s page for the school magazine. In the end, he had ‘recruited’ another classmate, who had done the work for him.
61. Have you ever traded in others' bodies for profit or power?
Lyle nodded in satisfaction as he read this question, but a quick ‘yes’ would do.
62. Have you ever stolen a mock-up or facsimile?
Oh, often! Easiest thing in the world, and sometimes the only way to know what was really going on at the Centre
63. Have you ever usurped a location?
Lyle thought of ‘Daddy’ - Mr Parker - and smirked again.
64. Have you ever made things scarce so that you might profit unfairly?
Hmm, that was an interesting one, and Lyle wasn’t really sure he ever had. Another he would have to come back to.
65. Have you ever made a practice of creating emergencies?
Hmm, starting with the ‘emergency’ of people looking for him after he pretended to be dead the first time, most definitely yes.
66. Have you ever practiced human sacrifice?
Yup, and enjoyed it, too!
67. Have you ever assumed a beingness which was not rightfully yours?
Oh, yes! Yes, yes, yes!!!
68. Have you ever killed the wrong person?
Well, he had been aiming at Jarod. Damn Kyle!
69. Have you ever punished an innocent person?
Define ‘innocent’, he mused.
70. Is anybody looking for you?
He’d already answered that, hadn’t he? Lyle looked back through his answers and found question 20. That was that then.
71. Have you ever systematically degraded an individual, or population, or mock-up?
Lyle was getting a bit sick of these, and looking through the sheet, there were clearly a lot to go. He decided to skip the ones that would only require single-word answers and just give details when he felt he had to share. Like this question, for instance. Surely it was the same as a few others. He let his eyes slip down the page.
73. Have you betrayed someone, or something, which deserved your help?
Ooh, he liked this one, but again, there wasn’t enough space for details. In the end, he listed the people involved and still had to write in the margins.
81. Have you ever sought to render others dependent on you?
Again, surely this was the point of the Centre! Raines had taught him well.
94. Have you ever maimed, and crippled, other people's bodies?
Ooh, what a nice question! He thought of his little room in the basement of his house and smiled. The new receptionist who had come to replace her concerned colleague shot him a wary glance, but Lyle never noticed.
102. Have you ever given cause a bad name?
Not one that it didn’t have already! At least, as long as that ‘cause’ was the Centre!
107. Have you ever made a practice of confusing people?
Gee, he liked the wording of this one. ‘Confused’ sounded so much better than ‘tortured’, ‘lacerated’, or ‘murdered’.
111. Have you made a practice of worrying people?
Hey, another with nice innocuous phrasing! Things were looking up!
115. Have you ever pretended to be dead?
Surely he’d already answered this one…
119. Have you ever deliberately disfigured another's body?
Why did they have this question when the next few asked the same things? He wrote ‘Yes to qs 119-125’ and moved on.
129. Have you ever held others in pawn for profit?
Again, this was what the Centre did!
140. Have you ever maltreated a pregnant woman, or pregnant animal?
141. Have you ever corrupted a child?
He liked these two questions! It was as if they had been written for him!
151. Have you ever permitted a subordinate of yours to be punished for your mistakes?
Hey, this was a great question for him! ‘Yes’ just wouldn’t cut it here. He wrote as many details as he could fit in the small space provided and wished there was more.
169. Have you ever deserted your own children?
For the first time, Lyle wondered if he actually had any…
178. Have you ever wanted to disown a deed of yours?
Darn it, there was that puppy-stroking thing again! If only it had been a pussy instead…
214. Have you ever sought to convince another that there was no difference between right and wrong?
Surely that was what he had trained in Alex for!
215. Have you ever been a pimp?
What a horrible word! Lyle looked at it with distaste and didn’t deign to answer.
218. Have you ever assisted an evildoer?
Well, they didn't know it at the time...
232. Have you ever deliberately caused a sane person to be committed to a mental institution?
Ah, he had been hoping this would come up! He thought of his sister, helpless after being shot in the bad, and chuckled, earning him another look from the receptionist.
260. Have you ever boiled someone's living body in oil?
Well, that came as part of the answer to the next question. They tasted better if they had begun cooking while they were still alive - kind of like lobsters.
261. Have you ever eaten a human body?
‘Only after being delicately fried.’ Yes, that should give them enough information.
262. Have you ever eaten the body of a member of your own species?
Well, what species did they think he was? In a huff, he wrote ‘see above question’ and moved on.
281. Have you ever produced a bastard?
That came back to whether he had any children. Lyle thought he might see if he could find out. He knew of at least one empty room at the Centre.
301. Have you deliberately set property afire?
Hmm, Lyle wondered if SL-27 counted as ‘property’.
306. Is there any place you'd better not return to?
Japan suddenly sprang to mind…
Reaching the end of the questions, Lyle flipped back through the pages, glad to see that he had an almost perfect record. There was still that puppy incident, but perhaps they would forgive that. He hoped so, anyway. Whistling softly, he deposited the clipboard at the empty reception desk - the second receptionist had fled after her colleague some time ago - and happily left the building.