Control Factor
So far, so good. Things seem to be continuing on the path of getting better, versus getting worse or staying the same...
I went to Sarasota this past weekend...I just needed to get away for a while, even if it was just one weekend...just one weekend with no party-hopping, no stupid drama, etc, etc. It was actually pretty nice to get away...going up to Sota and staying with Steve & Debbie is like going home, minus the cold weather and airports. They pretty much treat me like their third kid, so it feels like going home. It was a pretty quiet weekend...usually my weekends in Sota involve clubbing with Korey, etc, but this time I took it easy and had a quiet weekend. That, plus two three hour drives, gave me a lot of time to be quiet and think and sort some things out in my brain. So, all-in-all, this weekend was great...
The last two weeks have been good for me, in the sense that I've had a lot of time to really think, to turn things over in my brain, to try and figure things out. I've realized that there are some things you just can't figure out, like why someone behaves the way they do, or why certain things happen when and how they do, and that all you can do is just ride it out and see where it takes you. But some things are not impossible to figure out.
Like the fact that I need to stop worrying about things that I can't change or have no control over. I can't control who cares about me or who likes me or who wants to be my friend, as much as I'd like to. In an ideal world, you could say to someone, "we have six years of pretty in-depth history together, we should stay friends" or "I care about you as a person, I genuinely enjoy your company, we should be friends" and they'd agree with you...however, sometime, it just doesn't work that way. I can't control the way people treat me. If someone's going to say horrible things to me, or treat me like shit, or be completely frustratingly hot-and-cold, or only be there when it's convenient for them, I can't control that. I can only control how I let it affect me. I could get pissed off and blow up and just say, "make up your freaking mind - either you're my friend or you're not" or I could let things that people say bring out the old insecurities and let those insecurities run amuck over my sensibility and practicality, or I could do what I usually do - put a smile on my face and start building up that wall and refuse to really let anyone in. Or I could take what I'm given - the good, the bad, and the ugly - and do what's best for me. If someone doesn't want them in my life...well, it's their loss. I hate to sound conceited, but...well, fuck it, I don't care if I do sound conceited. Look, I know I'm flawed (honestly, who isn't?) and I know I can be a difficult package to handle sometimes, but I'm a friend that you have for life - the friend that you can call at 3am to bail you out of jail, the friend that will defend you to even your sharpest critics, the friend that will text you 20 times in one day, just to make you laugh once, the friend that will stick by you through the good, the bad, the ugly, the friend that won't give up on you, even when you give her every reason in the book as to why she should. I may give you a hard time and razz you a bit, I may talk too much, I may say stupid shit or be a total goofball and a complete clutz or forget to return your phone calls, but I'm true and straightforward and fiercely, fiercely loyal. If someone doesn't want that in their life, then there's not a damn thing I can do about it.
I can't control people's assumptions about me. People make judgements and assumptions that they assume to be true (hence, assumptions) and don't bother to find out if they're really true. Oh, that Katie, she's a complete airhead...oh, she's stupid...oh, she's lazy...oh, she assumes it's all about her...oh, she likes so-and-so...oh, she's mad at this person for this reason...oh, she must like/be sleeping with so-and-so because hell, she was talking to him yesterday...if people took the time to get to know me...I mean, really get to know me, more than just 10 minutes over a beer at the local bar, or via what they heard from so-and-so, they would know what's true and what's not. Sure, I have my blonde moments - I trip over blades of grass and I say stupid things - but that doesn't mean I'm an idiot. Sure, I may not always do something the right way. I make mistakes...I'm human, for Christ's sake. You find me someone who is truly perfect in every sense of the word, and then I'll shut up. Until then, don't judge people for something that you're sure as hell guilty of yourself. Sure, there may be times where I show up to Happy Hour and sit off on my own at the boat basin and watch the water, or I go off and talk with one or two people the whole night...that doesn't mean I'm pissed at you or trying to avoid you. If I'm pissed at someone, you'll know it...because I'll tell you I'm pissed at you. It takes a lot to make me upset or angry with someone, so (at least, from what past experience has shown me) 9/10 times, you know it's coming before I even say anything. I don't see the point in pursuing or further perpetuating stupid drama...if I've got a problem with you, you'll know it, and we'll talk about it, and hopefully resolve it very quickly, and go back to having fun times again. There's no point in letting shit linger. Sure, I hang out with a lot of different guys...hell, I'm probably a bit flirty with a few of them...the people who really know me know that I've always been someone who has a lot of guy friends, who finds it easier to be close friends with a guy than a girl, and is a bit of a harmless (yes, I do mean harmless) flirt. The people who really know me know that one of the biggest (and hardest) transitions for me when I moved down here was going from being "one of the guys" to being friends with mostly women, and that the guys I hang with down here, I consider close friends and genuinely enjoy their company in a completely non-sexual/relationship-type way. My close guy friends back home don't assume that the reason I call them/text them on a regular basis isn't because I want to screw them silly, or get hitched and have their babies...it's because I genuinely enjoy talking to them and being in their company. I'm not out looking for a relationship...in fact, that's the last thing I want, or more accurately, need in my life right now. Let's look at my last two serious dating-type relationships - one ended via lying/cheating and the other ended via him getting out of our friendship by saying deliberately nasty and hurtful things, simply because he didn't feel like dealing with his own actions. I'm not looking for a relationship, simply because I'm still dealing with the after-effects of the last two relationships I was in. However, I am more than happy to have close guy (and girl, for that matter) friends. The strong majority of close guy friends I have live halfway across the country...I miss having close guy friends around me. I'm not trying to knock my girlfriends down here (because I honestly love them to pieces, and wouldn't trade them for the world)...I'm just saying that people shouldn't make stupid assumptions. Don't make assumptions about me...if there's something you want to know, then ask me. I'm pretty open and honest, and I'll give you an open and honest answer, whether or not it's the one you want to hear.
Unfortunately, the biggest lesson I've been learning this year is that no matter how much we want to or how hard we try to, there is no way to completely control 100% of your life. I'm not going to lie...I like to have some sense of control, especially when it comes to my own life. Who doesn't want to be in control of their own life? However, the thing that I'm learning (which, I can tell you is incredibly hard, and occasionally painful, to learn), is that you can't control everything in your own life. I can't control the fact that I have a crack in my spine and that it's probably going to hurt in varying degrees and severities for the rest of my life. What I can control is what I do to try and help improve my quality of life and prevent/relieve some of the pain - keeping up my strength exercises, taking my medicine and suppliments, doing yoga, stretching everyday, even the days I'm sore. I can't control the fact that my immune system sucks and that I'm prone to catching everything under the sun at least twice. What I can control is what I do to help give myself the upperhand - working out, doing yoga, getting lots of rest, eating right, trying not to stress so much, not going out and partying every night, even when I want to. I can't control genetics, or the fact that I will never be a size 4, perfect-bodied, D-cupped, blonde haired supermodel with the Prada handbag and Gucchi sunglasses. What I can do is accept what God gave me - curvy hips, an actual butt, those green eyes from my grandma that I love - and run with it, and take good care of it, and be happy when I find someone who truly appreciates it all. I can't control if people like me or if they want to be my friend, or beyond. What I can do is keep being myself, and be a good friend to the ones I've got, and those people that are supposed to be in my life will be...and I can learn when to stick around, and when to walk away. I can't control what people say about me. What I can do is set the record straight when I can, keep being myself, and not worry about the rest...if people believe negative things that they hear about me that aren't true, then they're not as good of people as I thought they were. I can't control the ups and downs of life - life isn't a fairytale, it's not going to be perfect - there's going to be a good and bad and ugly and exhilirating and horrific. There are days where I wish I could do it all - cure a disease, break back someone or something that someone lost, heal someone's broken heart, make someone's doubts or fears or troubles disappear. However, I'm not a miracleworker...there are days where even I forget that. There are going to be days where I think that life can't get much better than this, and there are going to be days where all I can do is break down and cry because I don't understand how life can be so painful. What I can do is just ride it out and see where it takes me...for every up, there's a down, and for every down, there's an up...it's all a matter how well you ride them out, and how much you take out of the ride itself.
Yeah, I don't know where all that venting came from...more than likely, the 6+ hours of driving I did this weekend...but I do feel better now that it's out. :)
Alright, enough venting, on to some lighter topics...
Got a bit of good news over the course of the week...not only are my mom and grandma coming to visit at the end of February for a week, but Coley's coming the first weekend in March! I can hardly wait! I was just telling Bama the other day, "You guys think I'm crazy now...wait until you get me and Coley together, you'll think we're nuts"...lol. It's going to be great having here here...I just got to figure out things that we can do. I know we're definitely planning on going to John Pennekamp at some point, but beyond that, I don't know...
It's official - I'm going home for Spring Break (Mar 23-Apr 1). The ticket's ordered and paid for, so there's no going back now. I'm actually looking forward to going home...I think after a quarter of PhysOc and Scientific Writing together, I'll need a vacation. Planning on heading up to BGSU for a visit, BW for a visit, spending time with Shannon & the babies (my cousin's having twin girls!!!), spending time with my mom and dad, playing with my girls...it'll be nice to be home for a while.
Also bought my plane ticket to VA for June/July...my mom called me a few weeks ago and as it turns out, my family (Mom, Dad, Chris, Annie (?) and me) and my mom's brother's family (my Uncle Greg, Aunt Melissa, and cousins Coley, Erin & Sarah) decided to take vacation with each other this year! We're renting a big rental house on the beach in the Outer Banks, NC for a week...sunshine, sand, actual waves (I'm sorry, but the puny ass excuses for waves at John Lloyd just don't cut it for body surfing!), Carolina seafood, hush puppies, beers/margaritas on the beach...yay!!! And with my girls nonetheless!!! :D I also found out my cousin Brian and his fiance are moving back to Virginia Beach, so there's a good shot I'll get to see them while I'm up there...very excited. That also means Coley and I are on vacation three times together this year - here in FL, NC, and up to DC for Brian & Jen's wedding. Good times!!! :D
Beckah and I started talking about what we want to do for our birthdays...somehow, we ended up combining our birthdays for one big celebratory weekend (or at this rate, two celebratory weekends), but I kinda like it that way. I like the idea of splitting the celebration and attention with someone else. :) So far, nothing concrete's planned, just some preliminary ideas....I don't know how my birthday's going to be, to be honest. If you asked me a month ago, I would have said it's going to be great...ask me this week, and I'm not sure. I had another one of those dreams this weekend...god, it's just so frustrating. Anyways, I don't know how it's going to be...I'm hoping, given the fact that we're planning on a) celebrating in different ways and different places all weekend, and b) being surrounded by our friends, that it's going to go well. I don't think I'll really know until the time comes...it'll definitely be wierd to be away from home. I thought about going home for Memorial Weekend, but in the end, I thought maybe it wouldn't be such a good idea. When I think of my birthday, I think of that night, and I need to break that association and, hopefully, move on. Some people have told me that I should have already moved on...trust me, I'd love to (I mean, who wants to have bad dreams or panic over stupid things like a pool table or a bar glass breaking? Honestly?!?), but sometimes, it just doesn't work that way. Things are A LOT better than they were a few months ago (a lot, lot better)...there's just a little bit that still lingers, and rears its ugly head at inopportune moments...I don't know if it's ever supposed to go away, but if it does, that will be a great day.
However, one thing for sure - Tracy & I are going to DisneyWorld in June. :) Friends are welcome to join us. :)
Well, how's that for being one of the most random blog entry ever? Lol...
Until later, gnight and god bless...
6/101
I went to Sarasota this past weekend...I just needed to get away for a while, even if it was just one weekend...just one weekend with no party-hopping, no stupid drama, etc, etc. It was actually pretty nice to get away...going up to Sota and staying with Steve & Debbie is like going home, minus the cold weather and airports. They pretty much treat me like their third kid, so it feels like going home. It was a pretty quiet weekend...usually my weekends in Sota involve clubbing with Korey, etc, but this time I took it easy and had a quiet weekend. That, plus two three hour drives, gave me a lot of time to be quiet and think and sort some things out in my brain. So, all-in-all, this weekend was great...
The last two weeks have been good for me, in the sense that I've had a lot of time to really think, to turn things over in my brain, to try and figure things out. I've realized that there are some things you just can't figure out, like why someone behaves the way they do, or why certain things happen when and how they do, and that all you can do is just ride it out and see where it takes you. But some things are not impossible to figure out.
Like the fact that I need to stop worrying about things that I can't change or have no control over. I can't control who cares about me or who likes me or who wants to be my friend, as much as I'd like to. In an ideal world, you could say to someone, "we have six years of pretty in-depth history together, we should stay friends" or "I care about you as a person, I genuinely enjoy your company, we should be friends" and they'd agree with you...however, sometime, it just doesn't work that way. I can't control the way people treat me. If someone's going to say horrible things to me, or treat me like shit, or be completely frustratingly hot-and-cold, or only be there when it's convenient for them, I can't control that. I can only control how I let it affect me. I could get pissed off and blow up and just say, "make up your freaking mind - either you're my friend or you're not" or I could let things that people say bring out the old insecurities and let those insecurities run amuck over my sensibility and practicality, or I could do what I usually do - put a smile on my face and start building up that wall and refuse to really let anyone in. Or I could take what I'm given - the good, the bad, and the ugly - and do what's best for me. If someone doesn't want them in my life...well, it's their loss. I hate to sound conceited, but...well, fuck it, I don't care if I do sound conceited. Look, I know I'm flawed (honestly, who isn't?) and I know I can be a difficult package to handle sometimes, but I'm a friend that you have for life - the friend that you can call at 3am to bail you out of jail, the friend that will defend you to even your sharpest critics, the friend that will text you 20 times in one day, just to make you laugh once, the friend that will stick by you through the good, the bad, the ugly, the friend that won't give up on you, even when you give her every reason in the book as to why she should. I may give you a hard time and razz you a bit, I may talk too much, I may say stupid shit or be a total goofball and a complete clutz or forget to return your phone calls, but I'm true and straightforward and fiercely, fiercely loyal. If someone doesn't want that in their life, then there's not a damn thing I can do about it.
I can't control people's assumptions about me. People make judgements and assumptions that they assume to be true (hence, assumptions) and don't bother to find out if they're really true. Oh, that Katie, she's a complete airhead...oh, she's stupid...oh, she's lazy...oh, she assumes it's all about her...oh, she likes so-and-so...oh, she's mad at this person for this reason...oh, she must like/be sleeping with so-and-so because hell, she was talking to him yesterday...if people took the time to get to know me...I mean, really get to know me, more than just 10 minutes over a beer at the local bar, or via what they heard from so-and-so, they would know what's true and what's not. Sure, I have my blonde moments - I trip over blades of grass and I say stupid things - but that doesn't mean I'm an idiot. Sure, I may not always do something the right way. I make mistakes...I'm human, for Christ's sake. You find me someone who is truly perfect in every sense of the word, and then I'll shut up. Until then, don't judge people for something that you're sure as hell guilty of yourself. Sure, there may be times where I show up to Happy Hour and sit off on my own at the boat basin and watch the water, or I go off and talk with one or two people the whole night...that doesn't mean I'm pissed at you or trying to avoid you. If I'm pissed at someone, you'll know it...because I'll tell you I'm pissed at you. It takes a lot to make me upset or angry with someone, so (at least, from what past experience has shown me) 9/10 times, you know it's coming before I even say anything. I don't see the point in pursuing or further perpetuating stupid drama...if I've got a problem with you, you'll know it, and we'll talk about it, and hopefully resolve it very quickly, and go back to having fun times again. There's no point in letting shit linger. Sure, I hang out with a lot of different guys...hell, I'm probably a bit flirty with a few of them...the people who really know me know that I've always been someone who has a lot of guy friends, who finds it easier to be close friends with a guy than a girl, and is a bit of a harmless (yes, I do mean harmless) flirt. The people who really know me know that one of the biggest (and hardest) transitions for me when I moved down here was going from being "one of the guys" to being friends with mostly women, and that the guys I hang with down here, I consider close friends and genuinely enjoy their company in a completely non-sexual/relationship-type way. My close guy friends back home don't assume that the reason I call them/text them on a regular basis isn't because I want to screw them silly, or get hitched and have their babies...it's because I genuinely enjoy talking to them and being in their company. I'm not out looking for a relationship...in fact, that's the last thing I want, or more accurately, need in my life right now. Let's look at my last two serious dating-type relationships - one ended via lying/cheating and the other ended via him getting out of our friendship by saying deliberately nasty and hurtful things, simply because he didn't feel like dealing with his own actions. I'm not looking for a relationship, simply because I'm still dealing with the after-effects of the last two relationships I was in. However, I am more than happy to have close guy (and girl, for that matter) friends. The strong majority of close guy friends I have live halfway across the country...I miss having close guy friends around me. I'm not trying to knock my girlfriends down here (because I honestly love them to pieces, and wouldn't trade them for the world)...I'm just saying that people shouldn't make stupid assumptions. Don't make assumptions about me...if there's something you want to know, then ask me. I'm pretty open and honest, and I'll give you an open and honest answer, whether or not it's the one you want to hear.
Unfortunately, the biggest lesson I've been learning this year is that no matter how much we want to or how hard we try to, there is no way to completely control 100% of your life. I'm not going to lie...I like to have some sense of control, especially when it comes to my own life. Who doesn't want to be in control of their own life? However, the thing that I'm learning (which, I can tell you is incredibly hard, and occasionally painful, to learn), is that you can't control everything in your own life. I can't control the fact that I have a crack in my spine and that it's probably going to hurt in varying degrees and severities for the rest of my life. What I can control is what I do to try and help improve my quality of life and prevent/relieve some of the pain - keeping up my strength exercises, taking my medicine and suppliments, doing yoga, stretching everyday, even the days I'm sore. I can't control the fact that my immune system sucks and that I'm prone to catching everything under the sun at least twice. What I can control is what I do to help give myself the upperhand - working out, doing yoga, getting lots of rest, eating right, trying not to stress so much, not going out and partying every night, even when I want to. I can't control genetics, or the fact that I will never be a size 4, perfect-bodied, D-cupped, blonde haired supermodel with the Prada handbag and Gucchi sunglasses. What I can do is accept what God gave me - curvy hips, an actual butt, those green eyes from my grandma that I love - and run with it, and take good care of it, and be happy when I find someone who truly appreciates it all. I can't control if people like me or if they want to be my friend, or beyond. What I can do is keep being myself, and be a good friend to the ones I've got, and those people that are supposed to be in my life will be...and I can learn when to stick around, and when to walk away. I can't control what people say about me. What I can do is set the record straight when I can, keep being myself, and not worry about the rest...if people believe negative things that they hear about me that aren't true, then they're not as good of people as I thought they were. I can't control the ups and downs of life - life isn't a fairytale, it's not going to be perfect - there's going to be a good and bad and ugly and exhilirating and horrific. There are days where I wish I could do it all - cure a disease, break back someone or something that someone lost, heal someone's broken heart, make someone's doubts or fears or troubles disappear. However, I'm not a miracleworker...there are days where even I forget that. There are going to be days where I think that life can't get much better than this, and there are going to be days where all I can do is break down and cry because I don't understand how life can be so painful. What I can do is just ride it out and see where it takes me...for every up, there's a down, and for every down, there's an up...it's all a matter how well you ride them out, and how much you take out of the ride itself.
Yeah, I don't know where all that venting came from...more than likely, the 6+ hours of driving I did this weekend...but I do feel better now that it's out. :)
Alright, enough venting, on to some lighter topics...
Got a bit of good news over the course of the week...not only are my mom and grandma coming to visit at the end of February for a week, but Coley's coming the first weekend in March! I can hardly wait! I was just telling Bama the other day, "You guys think I'm crazy now...wait until you get me and Coley together, you'll think we're nuts"...lol. It's going to be great having here here...I just got to figure out things that we can do. I know we're definitely planning on going to John Pennekamp at some point, but beyond that, I don't know...
It's official - I'm going home for Spring Break (Mar 23-Apr 1). The ticket's ordered and paid for, so there's no going back now. I'm actually looking forward to going home...I think after a quarter of PhysOc and Scientific Writing together, I'll need a vacation. Planning on heading up to BGSU for a visit, BW for a visit, spending time with Shannon & the babies (my cousin's having twin girls!!!), spending time with my mom and dad, playing with my girls...it'll be nice to be home for a while.
Also bought my plane ticket to VA for June/July...my mom called me a few weeks ago and as it turns out, my family (Mom, Dad, Chris, Annie (?) and me) and my mom's brother's family (my Uncle Greg, Aunt Melissa, and cousins Coley, Erin & Sarah) decided to take vacation with each other this year! We're renting a big rental house on the beach in the Outer Banks, NC for a week...sunshine, sand, actual waves (I'm sorry, but the puny ass excuses for waves at John Lloyd just don't cut it for body surfing!), Carolina seafood, hush puppies, beers/margaritas on the beach...yay!!! And with my girls nonetheless!!! :D I also found out my cousin Brian and his fiance are moving back to Virginia Beach, so there's a good shot I'll get to see them while I'm up there...very excited. That also means Coley and I are on vacation three times together this year - here in FL, NC, and up to DC for Brian & Jen's wedding. Good times!!! :D
Beckah and I started talking about what we want to do for our birthdays...somehow, we ended up combining our birthdays for one big celebratory weekend (or at this rate, two celebratory weekends), but I kinda like it that way. I like the idea of splitting the celebration and attention with someone else. :) So far, nothing concrete's planned, just some preliminary ideas....I don't know how my birthday's going to be, to be honest. If you asked me a month ago, I would have said it's going to be great...ask me this week, and I'm not sure. I had another one of those dreams this weekend...god, it's just so frustrating. Anyways, I don't know how it's going to be...I'm hoping, given the fact that we're planning on a) celebrating in different ways and different places all weekend, and b) being surrounded by our friends, that it's going to go well. I don't think I'll really know until the time comes...it'll definitely be wierd to be away from home. I thought about going home for Memorial Weekend, but in the end, I thought maybe it wouldn't be such a good idea. When I think of my birthday, I think of that night, and I need to break that association and, hopefully, move on. Some people have told me that I should have already moved on...trust me, I'd love to (I mean, who wants to have bad dreams or panic over stupid things like a pool table or a bar glass breaking? Honestly?!?), but sometimes, it just doesn't work that way. Things are A LOT better than they were a few months ago (a lot, lot better)...there's just a little bit that still lingers, and rears its ugly head at inopportune moments...I don't know if it's ever supposed to go away, but if it does, that will be a great day.
However, one thing for sure - Tracy & I are going to DisneyWorld in June. :) Friends are welcome to join us. :)
Well, how's that for being one of the most random blog entry ever? Lol...
Until later, gnight and god bless...
6/101