good byes
my dog is dying. just a few months ago he was running around as energetic as the day we brought him home. as the vet said, he was "a senior citizen acting like a puppy." for a while i noticed that every time i went home he was much more lethargic and hardly ever got up to say hi. and then last week he stopped eating. my dad took him to the vet, butt they haven't gotten the lab tests back yet. i think it's lymphatic cancer. he has huge lumps everywhere. my mom called me yesterday and told me to come home and say good bye. when he saw me he raised his head and wagged his tail, butt he couldn't get up. i just wanted to stay there and pet him butt i couldn't tell if i was bothering him. i will probably never see him again. i know it sounds ridiculous, butt it makes me want to get to heaven just to see him again.
and it seems to be pouring lately. my cousin is in the hospital for pneumonia. what i don't understand is if he was in "serious condition," how come when he went to the hospital the first time they discharged him just so he could come back a few hours later and be admitted. butt he is young and otherwise healthy so i think (read: hope) he'll be fine.
and on saturday i visited my grandma, who i've always felt closer to than my other grandparents (perhaps bc i was pretty young when they died), who seems to be alluding more and more to when she's going to die. she keeps having family meetings with just my aunts and uncles, which always means she's talking to them about what they need to do when she dies. and she says things like, "i don't know if i'll be around for the next year of the dog" or "when i have more energy i'll take you to china." when will she have more energy?
and i'm having a slight existential crisis in which i feel nothing i could possibly do would ever be enough to make a dent in salvaging this fucked up world order and makes me wish some awful things.
and one of my (once) closest friends and i seem to be moving further and further apart. and i can't tell if it's intentional on her part or self conscious on one or both of our parts. butt either way this means i'll have a niece whose life i feel like i will never be a part of.
and to make my friend pool even smaller, my best friend of 19 years just moved to illinois. and since she was only here a week in the past month and a half - coincidentally, the week my niece was born and i started a new job - i feel like i really didn't get to spend much quality time with her before she left. and i know i haven't let myself really think about (read: deal with) the fact that she's so far away with no ending date in sight. i feel like i can't and i'm really scared for when i'll eventually have to.
and it seems to be pouring lately. my cousin is in the hospital for pneumonia. what i don't understand is if he was in "serious condition," how come when he went to the hospital the first time they discharged him just so he could come back a few hours later and be admitted. butt he is young and otherwise healthy so i think (read: hope) he'll be fine.
and on saturday i visited my grandma, who i've always felt closer to than my other grandparents (perhaps bc i was pretty young when they died), who seems to be alluding more and more to when she's going to die. she keeps having family meetings with just my aunts and uncles, which always means she's talking to them about what they need to do when she dies. and she says things like, "i don't know if i'll be around for the next year of the dog" or "when i have more energy i'll take you to china." when will she have more energy?
and i'm having a slight existential crisis in which i feel nothing i could possibly do would ever be enough to make a dent in salvaging this fucked up world order and makes me wish some awful things.
and one of my (once) closest friends and i seem to be moving further and further apart. and i can't tell if it's intentional on her part or self conscious on one or both of our parts. butt either way this means i'll have a niece whose life i feel like i will never be a part of.
and to make my friend pool even smaller, my best friend of 19 years just moved to illinois. and since she was only here a week in the past month and a half - coincidentally, the week my niece was born and i started a new job - i feel like i really didn't get to spend much quality time with her before she left. and i know i haven't let myself really think about (read: deal with) the fact that she's so far away with no ending date in sight. i feel like i can't and i'm really scared for when i'll eventually have to.