anyone out there?
Does anyone even read this thing anymore?
Who cares I need to write.
John finally called me to discuss the email I sent him. He said he wasn't happy with the email....oh well! I told him well I wasn't happy when you broke my heart but I've still kept in touch with you...so I write one email that you don't like and so you stop talking to me? He's like I didn't understand why you brought my father up in it. I knew he'd focus on that one sentence about his father instead of the other 4 paragraphs about him. I said this has nothing to do with your father..it's the point that suddenly you are doing things with him that you used to do with me that he's not even into. If you want to do those things fine..my point was don't fucking tell me about it! I don't need to hear it is all. He wasn't saying much on the phone just uh huh over and over again. I was getting soo mad kept saying how do you not get any of my points ...you text me and call me a lot but yet when I actually want to see you you don't want to hang out. He was like well it's nice to have somebody to talk to and say hey to once in a while but I think it's too awkward for us to see each other. Oh NOW it's too awkward but it wasn't when you asked me to play pool 2 weeks after we broke up? He makes no fucking sense. I said it's too awkward for who? We were hanging out just fine lately what's the problem. He still just kept saying maybe it's best if we just talk only when something serious happens in our lives. I'M the one that said that first in the email you jackass...don't make it sound like this is your idea so you can have the upper hand pahlease.
Ughhh he doesn't communicate and was like I don't want to have to think about this stuff so let's just stop. I said exactly you never talk to me about stuff so then I go and assume things about you then you get mad and say it's not true. Well how can I know what you feel if you don't tell me...I don't fucking read minds. I said so did you talk to me because you wanted to or because you felt guilty...he said no I did things cause I wanted..but a part of me always feels guilty. Then I said ok and how bout the promises you broke like taking me to the bluefish game.....and he says..."I was actually going to buy tickets on Monday and see if you wanted to go Wednesday but then I got your email." Yeah right! But yet everytime I said when are we going to go he never had answer..why not just say I want to take you next week? Because he's full of shit that's why.
So now we are nothing...not even a small friendship. Obviously if somebody gets sick or is dying we'll communicate but that's about it. I hung up and cried my eyes out. I never thought it would end up this way. I never wanted to lose him completely....but I have no clue what he wants and I'm sick of trying to figure him out. We can talk constantly but he can't see me? Fuck that. He lives 10 minutes away there's no excuse for this shit. I told him I'm not his friend when he wants to play baseball or go to a game...he can't see me when he feels like seeing me. He would never do anything that wasn't sports related with me he said anything else would be awkward...well then you can't have that either. I tried...I fucking tried to be his friend. He had his chance and he blew it..and it hurts that he just let me go once again....like it's nothing.
A small part of me thinks being my friend was too hard on HIM and that maybe it does still hurt when he sees me....but he would never admit that.
Who cares I need to write.
John finally called me to discuss the email I sent him. He said he wasn't happy with the email....oh well! I told him well I wasn't happy when you broke my heart but I've still kept in touch with you...so I write one email that you don't like and so you stop talking to me? He's like I didn't understand why you brought my father up in it. I knew he'd focus on that one sentence about his father instead of the other 4 paragraphs about him. I said this has nothing to do with your father..it's the point that suddenly you are doing things with him that you used to do with me that he's not even into. If you want to do those things fine..my point was don't fucking tell me about it! I don't need to hear it is all. He wasn't saying much on the phone just uh huh over and over again. I was getting soo mad kept saying how do you not get any of my points ...you text me and call me a lot but yet when I actually want to see you you don't want to hang out. He was like well it's nice to have somebody to talk to and say hey to once in a while but I think it's too awkward for us to see each other. Oh NOW it's too awkward but it wasn't when you asked me to play pool 2 weeks after we broke up? He makes no fucking sense. I said it's too awkward for who? We were hanging out just fine lately what's the problem. He still just kept saying maybe it's best if we just talk only when something serious happens in our lives. I'M the one that said that first in the email you jackass...don't make it sound like this is your idea so you can have the upper hand pahlease.
Ughhh he doesn't communicate and was like I don't want to have to think about this stuff so let's just stop. I said exactly you never talk to me about stuff so then I go and assume things about you then you get mad and say it's not true. Well how can I know what you feel if you don't tell me...I don't fucking read minds. I said so did you talk to me because you wanted to or because you felt guilty...he said no I did things cause I wanted..but a part of me always feels guilty. Then I said ok and how bout the promises you broke like taking me to the bluefish game.....and he says..."I was actually going to buy tickets on Monday and see if you wanted to go Wednesday but then I got your email." Yeah right! But yet everytime I said when are we going to go he never had answer..why not just say I want to take you next week? Because he's full of shit that's why.
So now we are nothing...not even a small friendship. Obviously if somebody gets sick or is dying we'll communicate but that's about it. I hung up and cried my eyes out. I never thought it would end up this way. I never wanted to lose him completely....but I have no clue what he wants and I'm sick of trying to figure him out. We can talk constantly but he can't see me? Fuck that. He lives 10 minutes away there's no excuse for this shit. I told him I'm not his friend when he wants to play baseball or go to a game...he can't see me when he feels like seeing me. He would never do anything that wasn't sports related with me he said anything else would be awkward...well then you can't have that either. I tried...I fucking tried to be his friend. He had his chance and he blew it..and it hurts that he just let me go once again....like it's nothing.
A small part of me thinks being my friend was too hard on HIM and that maybe it does still hurt when he sees me....but he would never admit that.