Present, huh?
I'm always viewing my life as "what could have been" or "what could be". I rarely view my life as "what I have now", and I wonder why that is.
That whole saying of life is a gift, that's why today is called the present doesn't have much meaning to me. I'm always planning my next step in life. I don't recall the last time that I actually sat down and ENJOYED what I had at that time, or when the last time was that I spoke of what made me happy that day. I'm afraid I've grown too pessimistic in my life, and I hate it.
I know I have a TON to be thankful for, yet I'm not. I have a great job, and will be starting an even better one soon. I have the ability to go to school to better myself. I can pay my bills, am relatively healthy, and have some very close friends. But I want more. I want to know that I can survive on my own again. Live my own life without answering to someone else. I want to be able to travel without worrying about whether the person I'm with is having a good time. I want to go out to dinner when the restaurant is packed full of people. I want to try new things, to go watch kids play in the park, to go to the zoo for the afternoon - just because.
I'm always afraid of what someone else thinks: am I pretty enough? am I doing what will make them happy? if I say no, will they be mad? I always thought of myself as a self-sustaining person who could be on her own and not have to worry about what someone else thinks... but I don't know if that is true anymore.
I want to move into my own place - no roommates, no partner - just me. So, what's holding me back? Fear. Fear of the unknown, fear that someone will get hurt, fear that I won't be able to make it alone, fear that if I do X I won't be able to do Y.
In the last week I've had many people tell me that everything happens for a reason... my answer is I want to know what that reason is first. What kind of response is that? Shouldn't I really be happy knowing that there is something happening that is going to make me a better person, without having to know WHY it's happening?
That whole saying of life is a gift, that's why today is called the present doesn't have much meaning to me. I'm always planning my next step in life. I don't recall the last time that I actually sat down and ENJOYED what I had at that time, or when the last time was that I spoke of what made me happy that day. I'm afraid I've grown too pessimistic in my life, and I hate it.
I know I have a TON to be thankful for, yet I'm not. I have a great job, and will be starting an even better one soon. I have the ability to go to school to better myself. I can pay my bills, am relatively healthy, and have some very close friends. But I want more. I want to know that I can survive on my own again. Live my own life without answering to someone else. I want to be able to travel without worrying about whether the person I'm with is having a good time. I want to go out to dinner when the restaurant is packed full of people. I want to try new things, to go watch kids play in the park, to go to the zoo for the afternoon - just because.
I'm always afraid of what someone else thinks: am I pretty enough? am I doing what will make them happy? if I say no, will they be mad? I always thought of myself as a self-sustaining person who could be on her own and not have to worry about what someone else thinks... but I don't know if that is true anymore.
I want to move into my own place - no roommates, no partner - just me. So, what's holding me back? Fear. Fear of the unknown, fear that someone will get hurt, fear that I won't be able to make it alone, fear that if I do X I won't be able to do Y.
In the last week I've had many people tell me that everything happens for a reason... my answer is I want to know what that reason is first. What kind of response is that? Shouldn't I really be happy knowing that there is something happening that is going to make me a better person, without having to know WHY it's happening?