I'll be the FIRST to admit he is wonderful. He's been there when he should have walked away, and left long after he really should have.
I'll also be the FIRST to admit I screwed up. I have never let anyone get too close to me, especially the right ones. I choose the wrong job, road, man, and overall wrong choice. The times I've opened up and been vulnerable it's always been with the wrong person, causing me to close up and refuse to do it again. Only to think I can do it again and I end up getting the same results. Because of that, I ruin what's right and good with what I had.
I don't admit I've done anything right - I KNOW I've messed up and nothing I can say or do will fix that.
It may sound trivial to those around me because they know what needs to be done. Hell, I probably even know WHAT needs to be done - I just don't know HOW to do it. I don't even know how to fix myself so how can I claim to be able to fix anything I've screwed up? I've tried to change things and every time I get sucked back into the same exact rut. I've asked for help and the response I get is "well, you know how to fix it, just do it" or "be patient, it will get better". That's not the help I need - I need help getting through the process and helping me to stop falling back into the hole I've dug. I refuse to ask for help from people who've already given so much to me - it's not fair to them to give while all I do is take. It isn't anyone's problem but mine... so I guess by saying that and realizing the fault lies within me (as we all already knew) I should just shut up and keep going.
It's no one else's problem but mine, so I shouldn't ask "when is it my turn"... it may never be and I have to try to be ok with that.
Actually, the things you say and do can fix things, and that is exactly the "how" you are missing. Be honest. Be present in people's lives. Let them decide if you are "worth" spending time with, don't assume it for them. You do them a disservice by forcing them away unnecssarily.
You are also missing a critical step in the healing process, and that is that you heal yourself by healing others. It might seem your instinct to be ashamed to ask for more help. It might seem unfair for you to keep asking for support. Have you considered, though, that giving someone the chance to help you with healing gives THEM strength? Makes them feel good, empowered, vital in your life and therefore valued and vital in their own? Don't deny good people the chance to do good. Let them decide when they've given enough. The strongest relationships are built on the rapport of the simple joy of giving to one another. Time. Attention. Devotion.
In short, look at who in your life wants you and needs you simply because you are YOU. Then look at what you have to give, and if they deserve it, give it to them. Repeat.
A relayed message from HE who was not namedcloudsoloDecember 8 2009, 18:01:19 UTC
He asked me to make this reply, since he finally reasoned some things out. He asks that you read this and consider what he is saying and don't dismiss it outright. He hopes it doesn't make you cry, but he is afraid he might, and for that he is sorry.
First, He doesn't think that he's as wonderful as you both make him out to be. He is definitely not without his flaws and weaknesses either. An example of this is the power you have over him, which he doesn't think you know about. He doesn't know why this is the case, but you are the only person who affects him like you do. This is not a bad thing, but it kind of freaks him out a little bit. If you asked him for the moon, he would try and get it for you. Not because you're a woman, but because it is YOU who is asking. He thinks it's because the entire time he's known you he knew there was something special and awesome about you that attracted him to you, which he has been since the first moment he saw you, and it scares the crap out of him too. He is a very forgiving person as well, which could be construed as a weakness, but he thinks it's a good virtue. Too keep on keeping on, He just keeps his head up and lives each day grateful that he has known you, no matter what has happened or will happen. All of this leaves him very naked and exposed emotionally when it comes to you, and this also scares him, but he knows that in order to find joy, you have to be willing to get hurt, even by those you care about.
He stayed around for as long as he did because he believed, and still believes, that together you and he can accomplish anything. He doesn't look at you as someone to possess or control, he looks at you as a partner he wants to share life's experiences, both good and bad, with. He would do anything to see you happy, even if it ultimately hurts him in the end. He would do anything to help make your dreams come true regardless of the cost. He doesn't think you've had that in your life before and he knows you do not know how to handle that. All he can do is offer his hand to you, ask for you to grab it, and walk down that path together. He thinks together you both can do something incredible, even if neither of you knows what it is yet. He believes things will work out for both of you if you walk this road together because the two of you have always been stronger when with each other, even if you both didn't realize it at the time.
He does not want to tell you how to live your life, he does not want to control your life, and he does not want to force you to do anything, but he is willing to do whatever it takes to help your life become better. He just needs you to tell him what you want from him, what you expect, and he shall do whatever is in his power to make that happen. He only asks that you trust him enough, which he knows is a hard thing to ask, to let him help you through everything. He will not run from you again. Truthfully, he never left in the first place and was still constantly thinking about you despite what happened between the two of you. You may have thought you pushed him away and burned bridges, but he was still there, on the edge, waiting for you to turn and see him again, and this will always be the case, no matter what.
He hopes you will take these words to heart as you figure things out. He believes you truly do care for him, but you are not quite sure how to take his hand. If you reach for it, you will find it.
I'll also be the FIRST to admit I screwed up. I have never let anyone get too close to me, especially the right ones. I choose the wrong job, road, man, and overall wrong choice. The times I've opened up and been vulnerable it's always been with the wrong person, causing me to close up and refuse to do it again. Only to think I can do it again and I end up getting the same results. Because of that, I ruin what's right and good with what I had.
I don't admit I've done anything right - I KNOW I've messed up and nothing I can say or do will fix that.
It may sound trivial to those around me because they know what needs to be done. Hell, I probably even know WHAT needs to be done - I just don't know HOW to do it. I don't even know how to fix myself so how can I claim to be able to fix anything I've screwed up? I've tried to change things and every time I get sucked back into the same exact rut. I've asked for help and the response I get is "well, you know how to fix it, just do it" or "be patient, it will get better". That's not the help I need - I need help getting through the process and helping me to stop falling back into the hole I've dug. I refuse to ask for help from people who've already given so much to me - it's not fair to them to give while all I do is take. It isn't anyone's problem but mine... so I guess by saying that and realizing the fault lies within me (as we all already knew) I should just shut up and keep going.
It's no one else's problem but mine, so I shouldn't ask "when is it my turn"... it may never be and I have to try to be ok with that.
Reply
You are also missing a critical step in the healing process, and that is that you heal yourself by healing others. It might seem your instinct to be ashamed to ask for more help. It might seem unfair for you to keep asking for support. Have you considered, though, that giving someone the chance to help you with healing gives THEM strength? Makes them feel good, empowered, vital in your life and therefore valued and vital in their own? Don't deny good people the chance to do good. Let them decide when they've given enough. The strongest relationships are built on the rapport of the simple joy of giving to one another. Time. Attention. Devotion.
In short, look at who in your life wants you and needs you simply because you are YOU. Then look at what you have to give, and if they deserve it, give it to them. Repeat.
Reply
First, He doesn't think that he's as wonderful as you both make him out to be. He is definitely not without his flaws and weaknesses either. An example of this is the power you have over him, which he doesn't think you know about. He doesn't know why this is the case, but you are the only person who affects him like you do. This is not a bad thing, but it kind of freaks him out a little bit. If you asked him for the moon, he would try and get it for you. Not because you're a woman, but because it is YOU who is asking. He thinks it's because the entire time he's known you he knew there was something special and awesome about you that attracted him to you, which he has been since the first moment he saw you, and it scares the crap out of him too. He is a very forgiving person as well, which could be construed as a weakness, but he thinks it's a good virtue. Too keep on keeping on, He just keeps his head up and lives each day grateful that he has known you, no matter what has happened or will happen. All of this leaves him very naked and exposed emotionally when it comes to you, and this also scares him, but he knows that in order to find joy, you have to be willing to get hurt, even by those you care about.
He stayed around for as long as he did because he believed, and still believes, that together you and he can accomplish anything. He doesn't look at you as someone to possess or control, he looks at you as a partner he wants to share life's experiences, both good and bad, with. He would do anything to see you happy, even if it ultimately hurts him in the end. He would do anything to help make your dreams come true regardless of the cost. He doesn't think you've had that in your life before and he knows you do not know how to handle that. All he can do is offer his hand to you, ask for you to grab it, and walk down that path together. He thinks together you both can do something incredible, even if neither of you knows what it is yet. He believes things will work out for both of you if you walk this road together because the two of you have always been stronger when with each other, even if you both didn't realize it at the time.
He does not want to tell you how to live your life, he does not want to control your life, and he does not want to force you to do anything, but he is willing to do whatever it takes to help your life become better. He just needs you to tell him what you want from him, what you expect, and he shall do whatever is in his power to make that happen. He only asks that you trust him enough, which he knows is a hard thing to ask, to let him help you through everything. He will not run from you again. Truthfully, he never left in the first place and was still constantly thinking about you despite what happened between the two of you. You may have thought you pushed him away and burned bridges, but he was still there, on the edge, waiting for you to turn and see him again, and this will always be the case, no matter what.
He hopes you will take these words to heart as you figure things out. He believes you truly do care for him, but you are not quite sure how to take his hand. If you reach for it, you will find it.
That is all.
Reply
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