Just some ramblings
I don't really know where to start... hrmm... :)
I woke up this morning, completely exhausted, and for no good reason to be. I went to bed at 10:00 last night, fell asleep right away and had a horribly hard time waking up this morning. Yesterday was the same way until Megan called me at 10:00... but even then I wasn't ready to get up, so I didn't. I wonder why I have been so tired lately. I haven't changed anything in my routine to make it so that my body is rebelling against all the activity I do. Maybe its rebelling against all the activity I DON'T do. LOL.
My doctor appointments have finally (almost) come to an end. I have one more on August 3rd to check my levels, and then I should be good to go for a while. That was always so fun and exciting... NOT. I had to drive into south Mpls for my doctor appointments right away in the morning, and then rush to beat hell to get to work at a fairly decent time. But that will be over soon. I look forward to that. :)
I've come to the realization (again...) that I really am not where I want to be in life. I have a good paying job (surprisingly since I don't have a degree), and a nice vehicle to show for it... but it isn't what I want/need right now. I know I say this all the time on and off, but I want out. I don't know how to start, I don't know where to go, and I don't know if I would make it on my own. I can never do anything right it seems. If I want something that might take a little effort on his part, he does anything he can to not let it happen. If I left, I'd lose a lot. He would try to take everything that was mine before we were married, and everything that we bought since then. I'd be left with nothing. I don't want to go back with my parents (for more than one reason).
I'm at a point where my "biological clock" is ticking very VERY loudly, and I know I don't want to bring a child into this relationship. Hell, I don't even know that if I did want to if I even could.
I wonder if I am going crazy.
It would be nice to know, that way I would know what was wrong with me. I feel like I've been kept at arms length for so long, that that is what "love" is and marriage is like. I don't remember the last time I've felt what it was like to really be loved. To be with someone who is so happy to be with you, all they want to do is hold you so you know everything is alright. I look at the "TV marriages" and think... hrmm is it hollywood making it look that good, or is that what marriage really can be? I would never know.
S.O. just called. All I said was hello, and the first thing out of his mouth was "what's wrong now". God I love this marriage. It makes me feel so warm and fuzzy inside. :(
I also want to go back to school. That'll never happen, because there is nothing in it for him, so why should I be able to go? Yeah... the money I've been making with lia sophia? Goes to bills and whatever he wants to buy. I finally bought some jewelry of my own with my own money. Wonder what he'll do when he finds out about that! LOL... that'll be interesting.
I've been daydreaming lately. Its kind of a nice break from reality. Dreaming about what could have been if I made different choices. Dreaming about what could be if I had the guts to do what I wanted and knew I should do.
Its funny. I know I have the support that I need in life, and I know that whatever decision I make I'll have my family to help me. Yet I am so scared about it that I can't do it. Funny... I just read this quote:
A fear of the unknown keeps a lot of people from leaving bad situations.
Kathie Lee Gifford
How true is that for me...? Oh well... I keep saying when the time is right it'll happen... maybe the time is right now.
Anywho... enough about my ramblings and questions
I hope you all had a great weekend. I will talk soon.
Take care,
Love, me
I woke up this morning, completely exhausted, and for no good reason to be. I went to bed at 10:00 last night, fell asleep right away and had a horribly hard time waking up this morning. Yesterday was the same way until Megan called me at 10:00... but even then I wasn't ready to get up, so I didn't. I wonder why I have been so tired lately. I haven't changed anything in my routine to make it so that my body is rebelling against all the activity I do. Maybe its rebelling against all the activity I DON'T do. LOL.
My doctor appointments have finally (almost) come to an end. I have one more on August 3rd to check my levels, and then I should be good to go for a while. That was always so fun and exciting... NOT. I had to drive into south Mpls for my doctor appointments right away in the morning, and then rush to beat hell to get to work at a fairly decent time. But that will be over soon. I look forward to that. :)
I've come to the realization (again...) that I really am not where I want to be in life. I have a good paying job (surprisingly since I don't have a degree), and a nice vehicle to show for it... but it isn't what I want/need right now. I know I say this all the time on and off, but I want out. I don't know how to start, I don't know where to go, and I don't know if I would make it on my own. I can never do anything right it seems. If I want something that might take a little effort on his part, he does anything he can to not let it happen. If I left, I'd lose a lot. He would try to take everything that was mine before we were married, and everything that we bought since then. I'd be left with nothing. I don't want to go back with my parents (for more than one reason).
I'm at a point where my "biological clock" is ticking very VERY loudly, and I know I don't want to bring a child into this relationship. Hell, I don't even know that if I did want to if I even could.
I wonder if I am going crazy.
It would be nice to know, that way I would know what was wrong with me. I feel like I've been kept at arms length for so long, that that is what "love" is and marriage is like. I don't remember the last time I've felt what it was like to really be loved. To be with someone who is so happy to be with you, all they want to do is hold you so you know everything is alright. I look at the "TV marriages" and think... hrmm is it hollywood making it look that good, or is that what marriage really can be? I would never know.
S.O. just called. All I said was hello, and the first thing out of his mouth was "what's wrong now". God I love this marriage. It makes me feel so warm and fuzzy inside. :(
I also want to go back to school. That'll never happen, because there is nothing in it for him, so why should I be able to go? Yeah... the money I've been making with lia sophia? Goes to bills and whatever he wants to buy. I finally bought some jewelry of my own with my own money. Wonder what he'll do when he finds out about that! LOL... that'll be interesting.
I've been daydreaming lately. Its kind of a nice break from reality. Dreaming about what could have been if I made different choices. Dreaming about what could be if I had the guts to do what I wanted and knew I should do.
Its funny. I know I have the support that I need in life, and I know that whatever decision I make I'll have my family to help me. Yet I am so scared about it that I can't do it. Funny... I just read this quote:
A fear of the unknown keeps a lot of people from leaving bad situations.
Kathie Lee Gifford
How true is that for me...? Oh well... I keep saying when the time is right it'll happen... maybe the time is right now.
Anywho... enough about my ramblings and questions
I hope you all had a great weekend. I will talk soon.
Take care,
Love, me