Tucker
Rain was falling on the tin roof of the barn where he and I were laying naked on the cold ground. His arms were wrapped around me and I was laying my head on his shoulder. He never complained when I did that like most men I’ve been with had. He never complained about anything…
I laid there under the blanket next to him and looked around- this wasn’t our first time here. But it all still seemed so new, there was always something different about it. Tucker had built this farm from the ground up; this barn had always been our special place…
I started to wonder when he was going to wake up after a while of laying there, so I slowly got up and edged towards my pile of clothes laying next to the hay bale. It was then I felt a warm hand move around my waist. He held me in an embrace while rocking me back and forth. “I didn’t mean to wake you up; I know you need your sleep.” He chuckled to himself and whispered in my ear “It felt different when you got up- like half of me was gone- so I came searching for it.” Then he kissed my cheek and unwrapped his arms from around me. He walked towards his pile of clothes and start putting on his jeans, his bare white chest seems to scream for me to touch him. I love to touch him, like he said: when we aren’t touching, we’re not complete...
After I get dressed I sit down next to him and lean my head on his shoulder. He of course drapes his arm over mine. I lean in closer to him and just sit there silently, thinking to myself “I never want this to end…” Then the cell phone rings.
He hangs up after a few minutes of talking to her and turns to look at me. “I’m really sorry, she’s on her way home, and you need to start on home, I don’t want anything to start, you know how she is.” I nod of course and gather my things. I hated this part; the part after a night like this and then the sobering experience of the drive of shame. After I stand up and start walking towards the door he grabs my hand. “It won’t be like this forever, just until I figure out a way to let her go. It’s more complicated than it really sounds. I don’t want you to go- I never like it when you leave me. It always feels like its forever, and the look in your eyes when we say goodbye makes me want to throw myself off of something, I hate hurting you like this. But it needs to, just for a while, and then everything will be perfect. You’ll see.” A tear streams down my face, I hate it when he talks like that. I would never wish him the pain that I bring him. The pain I see in his eyes when we say goodbye is the same as mine. He understands it better than I will ever be able to conceive. He gently pulls the hand he’s holding onto and brings me closer. I start to cry and he holds me so close. He puts his cheek on my head and sighs deeply. “I didn’t mean to make you cry, I don’t want to think of you like this. There must be something I can do to make this easier.” I shake my head and bury my face in his warm chest. It never gets any easier- we both know it. It’s like ripping out stitches every time, and every time it hurts just as bad as the last.
He tilts my head and kisses my lips, then holds me close again. Then the first step happens, I hate the first step, it always makes things more real, as if “If we stood in this one spot forever, time would stop.” But we took that first step together towards my car. He held me close the whole time, slowly taking the steps with me, I knew he wanted to take his time with me, to remember what little time there was. Then of course we get to my car and my heart sinks. I wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him through my tears. He opens the car door for me and helps me in. Before he shuts the door he kneels down and kisses me again. “I love you Amy that will never change. I’m so sorry that I didn’t see it when it was happening right in front of me. I didn’t know you… that you… Then he started to choke up. “I know Tucker, I know.” I kiss him one more time and shut my door. He starts to turn around as I turn on the car, then suddenly turns back and knocks on the window. I roll it down and look at him, he looked a bit confused. “Here, I forgot this, open it when you get home alright?” Then he handed me a little wooden box. I smiled and kissed him again. “Now baby I need to get going, I don’t want to start anything with you and Melanie. Call when you can alright?” He nodded then backed away from the car. He put his hand up to wave as I left and watched me drive until I couldn’t see him in the rearview mirror anymore. That was when the cold and empty feeling started to wash over me again…
I passed Melanie’s car on the way through town; she of course gave me a dirty look then stared ahead. “If he could see her now” I thought to myself. She didn’t understand us. I’m sure she thought I was sent from hell just to destroy her “Stepford wife” lifestyle. I and my nasty dirtiness probably puts a damper on things… then I start to concentrate”Just a few more miles, just a few more. “
I finally arrive home; I shut off my car and hold the little wooden box in my hand. “I wonder what it is; he never usually gives me stuff.” I carefully unlatch the lock and open it. Inside were a note and a little silver chain. I unfold the note and see his scratchy writing, I swear with writing like this the man could be a doctor. I start to read it carefully, taking in every word. “Amy- I don’t know how long it will be this time. All I know is that I love you, and the next time will be forever, I promise. This chain was my fathers, keep it safe and wear it always. I love you- Tucker” He’s never been a very long talker- but in the short sentences he gave me, there were miles of meaning. I picked up the chain and put it on. Then I folded the note back up and put it back inside the box. I opened my car door and went inside to take a shower. I wanted to clear my mind and wash his fingerprints off my body.
I opened my door and walked inside. I put down my keys and walked back to my room. I found a place for the box on my nightstand next to the lamp. I took a deep breath and started looking for clothes to change into. I opened my top drawer and grabbed an old t-shirt and pair of old boxer shorts, holding them until I got to the bathroom I started the water and took everything off except for the chain. I put my hand under the water to feel the warmth then stepped into the shower. The hot water poured over me in all the right places, as soon as it settled my muscles relaxed and my tears were lost in the water. My long brown hair draped my body as I held myself together. Then the chain touched my arm, I looked at it really close. I pulled myself together and washed up, dried off and slipped my clothes on. My hair looks terrible- like a big brown tangled mess.
I laid there under the blanket next to him and looked around- this wasn’t our first time here. But it all still seemed so new, there was always something different about it. Tucker had built this farm from the ground up; this barn had always been our special place…
I started to wonder when he was going to wake up after a while of laying there, so I slowly got up and edged towards my pile of clothes laying next to the hay bale. It was then I felt a warm hand move around my waist. He held me in an embrace while rocking me back and forth. “I didn’t mean to wake you up; I know you need your sleep.” He chuckled to himself and whispered in my ear “It felt different when you got up- like half of me was gone- so I came searching for it.” Then he kissed my cheek and unwrapped his arms from around me. He walked towards his pile of clothes and start putting on his jeans, his bare white chest seems to scream for me to touch him. I love to touch him, like he said: when we aren’t touching, we’re not complete...
After I get dressed I sit down next to him and lean my head on his shoulder. He of course drapes his arm over mine. I lean in closer to him and just sit there silently, thinking to myself “I never want this to end…” Then the cell phone rings.
He hangs up after a few minutes of talking to her and turns to look at me. “I’m really sorry, she’s on her way home, and you need to start on home, I don’t want anything to start, you know how she is.” I nod of course and gather my things. I hated this part; the part after a night like this and then the sobering experience of the drive of shame. After I stand up and start walking towards the door he grabs my hand. “It won’t be like this forever, just until I figure out a way to let her go. It’s more complicated than it really sounds. I don’t want you to go- I never like it when you leave me. It always feels like its forever, and the look in your eyes when we say goodbye makes me want to throw myself off of something, I hate hurting you like this. But it needs to, just for a while, and then everything will be perfect. You’ll see.” A tear streams down my face, I hate it when he talks like that. I would never wish him the pain that I bring him. The pain I see in his eyes when we say goodbye is the same as mine. He understands it better than I will ever be able to conceive. He gently pulls the hand he’s holding onto and brings me closer. I start to cry and he holds me so close. He puts his cheek on my head and sighs deeply. “I didn’t mean to make you cry, I don’t want to think of you like this. There must be something I can do to make this easier.” I shake my head and bury my face in his warm chest. It never gets any easier- we both know it. It’s like ripping out stitches every time, and every time it hurts just as bad as the last.
He tilts my head and kisses my lips, then holds me close again. Then the first step happens, I hate the first step, it always makes things more real, as if “If we stood in this one spot forever, time would stop.” But we took that first step together towards my car. He held me close the whole time, slowly taking the steps with me, I knew he wanted to take his time with me, to remember what little time there was. Then of course we get to my car and my heart sinks. I wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him through my tears. He opens the car door for me and helps me in. Before he shuts the door he kneels down and kisses me again. “I love you Amy that will never change. I’m so sorry that I didn’t see it when it was happening right in front of me. I didn’t know you… that you… Then he started to choke up. “I know Tucker, I know.” I kiss him one more time and shut my door. He starts to turn around as I turn on the car, then suddenly turns back and knocks on the window. I roll it down and look at him, he looked a bit confused. “Here, I forgot this, open it when you get home alright?” Then he handed me a little wooden box. I smiled and kissed him again. “Now baby I need to get going, I don’t want to start anything with you and Melanie. Call when you can alright?” He nodded then backed away from the car. He put his hand up to wave as I left and watched me drive until I couldn’t see him in the rearview mirror anymore. That was when the cold and empty feeling started to wash over me again…
I passed Melanie’s car on the way through town; she of course gave me a dirty look then stared ahead. “If he could see her now” I thought to myself. She didn’t understand us. I’m sure she thought I was sent from hell just to destroy her “Stepford wife” lifestyle. I and my nasty dirtiness probably puts a damper on things… then I start to concentrate”Just a few more miles, just a few more. “
I finally arrive home; I shut off my car and hold the little wooden box in my hand. “I wonder what it is; he never usually gives me stuff.” I carefully unlatch the lock and open it. Inside were a note and a little silver chain. I unfold the note and see his scratchy writing, I swear with writing like this the man could be a doctor. I start to read it carefully, taking in every word. “Amy- I don’t know how long it will be this time. All I know is that I love you, and the next time will be forever, I promise. This chain was my fathers, keep it safe and wear it always. I love you- Tucker” He’s never been a very long talker- but in the short sentences he gave me, there were miles of meaning. I picked up the chain and put it on. Then I folded the note back up and put it back inside the box. I opened my car door and went inside to take a shower. I wanted to clear my mind and wash his fingerprints off my body.
I opened my door and walked inside. I put down my keys and walked back to my room. I found a place for the box on my nightstand next to the lamp. I took a deep breath and started looking for clothes to change into. I opened my top drawer and grabbed an old t-shirt and pair of old boxer shorts, holding them until I got to the bathroom I started the water and took everything off except for the chain. I put my hand under the water to feel the warmth then stepped into the shower. The hot water poured over me in all the right places, as soon as it settled my muscles relaxed and my tears were lost in the water. My long brown hair draped my body as I held myself together. Then the chain touched my arm, I looked at it really close. I pulled myself together and washed up, dried off and slipped my clothes on. My hair looks terrible- like a big brown tangled mess.