(no subject)
It's been a while since I've written. When I run into old friends and they ask me, "How have you been?" "What's new?" Like most people in small talk, I answer with the default, "Not much...Same old, same old..." I know perfectly well that this is so not true. Lately I've felt myself...transforming...in a way. Have you ever felt yourself growing? Like literally, you're in a moment, and you have this realization about yourself and your outlook on life, and you realize, holy shit, I am growing. These are the best and worst moments of my life.
I've never been one who adapts well to change. I always preach about accepting change and making the best of the journey that is life, and I do wholeheartedly believe in an optimistic lifestyle, but of course actually living that way isn't always easy. My counselor tells me I have a mild case of adjustment disorder with depressive mood. Yes, sir, you are right on...
My weekly meetings with Vince have been life changing already, and I've only been seeing him for a month. I've discovered the destructive patterns I've run my life with. I always knew they were there. I even knew what they were this whole time. I just never admitted them to myself or to anyone else, because I always found some justification for them, somehow. I'm learning to listen to my heart and gut more. I'm learning to do what I think is best for me. I'm learning to not sacrifice myself and my well-being to make someone else happy. I'm learning to let go of the need to defend myself and my feelings. They are already justified, because the truth rests in my heart, in my soul. And really, those are the only places it needs to be. I don't have to prove anything to anyone. I don't have to apologize for anything.
It is liberating.
During one of my visits with Vince he asked me what I do to make myself happy. 'What do you do for fun?" "What brings you joy in life?" I was taken aback a bit, because I realized I had no idea how to answer that question. "Isn't it sad, Vince, that I honestly have no idea what makes me truly happy?" Sure, there are the little things that count for something. Freshly baked cookies, a beautiful sunset, cumulus clouds...
But the thing is, cookies don't last forever, sunsets quickly fade into darkness, and cumulus clouds come and go with the wind...
So I need something that is mine. Something that nourishes and makes me feel good. Something that can last. I've always loved to sing...so my goal is to find some avenue to do this more. I've always loved acoustic guitar, and I don't know how to play any instrument, so I've decided I'm going to buy one and take lessons. I love to write, and I have a lot of life stories to share, so I'm going to join some kind of creative writing circle. I'm going to stop thinking about what I could do, and actually start doing.
It seems I've always found my happiness through someone else. Now it's time to find it on my own, for myself. Finally.
I've never been one who adapts well to change. I always preach about accepting change and making the best of the journey that is life, and I do wholeheartedly believe in an optimistic lifestyle, but of course actually living that way isn't always easy. My counselor tells me I have a mild case of adjustment disorder with depressive mood. Yes, sir, you are right on...
My weekly meetings with Vince have been life changing already, and I've only been seeing him for a month. I've discovered the destructive patterns I've run my life with. I always knew they were there. I even knew what they were this whole time. I just never admitted them to myself or to anyone else, because I always found some justification for them, somehow. I'm learning to listen to my heart and gut more. I'm learning to do what I think is best for me. I'm learning to not sacrifice myself and my well-being to make someone else happy. I'm learning to let go of the need to defend myself and my feelings. They are already justified, because the truth rests in my heart, in my soul. And really, those are the only places it needs to be. I don't have to prove anything to anyone. I don't have to apologize for anything.
It is liberating.
During one of my visits with Vince he asked me what I do to make myself happy. 'What do you do for fun?" "What brings you joy in life?" I was taken aback a bit, because I realized I had no idea how to answer that question. "Isn't it sad, Vince, that I honestly have no idea what makes me truly happy?" Sure, there are the little things that count for something. Freshly baked cookies, a beautiful sunset, cumulus clouds...
But the thing is, cookies don't last forever, sunsets quickly fade into darkness, and cumulus clouds come and go with the wind...
So I need something that is mine. Something that nourishes and makes me feel good. Something that can last. I've always loved to sing...so my goal is to find some avenue to do this more. I've always loved acoustic guitar, and I don't know how to play any instrument, so I've decided I'm going to buy one and take lessons. I love to write, and I have a lot of life stories to share, so I'm going to join some kind of creative writing circle. I'm going to stop thinking about what I could do, and actually start doing.
It seems I've always found my happiness through someone else. Now it's time to find it on my own, for myself. Finally.