Good advice for bad people
(a letter sent to someone who is close to someone that I love)
(also, it is a confession of my wicked ways, and how to live with them and other people)
(i did not mean to be so verbose, but if you know someone who's fucking off or is fucked up, let them know that last line, as I am sure having fallen, to turned backs, has been a reason for my own fight to stay on my feet)
hey girl
you'll forgive the meager form of communication, but as your sister refuses to give me your number, and as i don't really know you well enough to call you, this seemed like an easy (but not necessarily good) way to contact you.
and why would I want to contact you anyways?
Well, you're awesome and I'd like to get to know you, all that is true, but I am writing (i'm afraid) a much less light-hearted, social note.
I am writing to you because if I were you, and you me, and my family had been all openly worried, I hope you'd tell me. let's hope that reverse situation will never happen, but this, this situation, wherein your mother and sister confided in me their suspicions about you, has occurred.
Now, I don't know you, or your life, but I know that your family suspects that you are up to no good. I myself have been in the past, and sometimes occassionally am still up to no good, so maybe I'm some supposed expert when it comes to these things, in your family's eyes, and maybe I sorta am in my own.
so, without wanting to actually know what you're up to, as really, it's no one's business but your own, I would like to impart some knowledge upon you:
If you go out all night and sleep all day, even if you're not on drugs, the people around you, especially family, will imagine the worst possible scenarios, and this will upset them.
upsetting the people around you is a big no-no if you want them to trust you, support you or like you. you may not think these things are vital, or even deserved, but even if they are false trust, unappreciated support or friendly fluff chit chat, life is easier with them and even fake trees take some time to make., and in time you may forget it’s fake.. Real trust, happily given support and genuine friendships grow slower than trees, but can be uprooted in an instant, and can be hard to grow back, impossible even. It's okay to be upset yourself, and to express it, but to avoid bringing tension is to be subject to less of it.
If you do drugs while in your mother's house (and I have done) or are still feeling the effects while she is home is for some reason very hurtful. Mothers believe that whatever problems their children have is because of something they themselves did wrong. They act as if they believe themselves to be monsters, that cursed their baby girls.
I do not believe that I do drugs because of some short coming my mom may have, because of what she did or did not do. I do what I do because I like to. Sometimes I like to do things I know I shouldn't. I take responsibilty for my choices, after shirking from it for so long. I mean, I'm still an sneak bastard who gets away with a lot, but I know it can't last forever, and someday (let it be far off) I will have to take the brunt of my own misdeeds. I have done many foolish things, and whatever has come of my foolishness my mother still feels somewhat to blame.
I have put my mom through emotional hell, trying to lie to her to keep her from things I thought would be even more hurtful for her to know the whole truth about, or by getting her hope and pride all pumped, just to let her down again.
I think it's unavoidable, this maternal guilt. It can stand in the way of an honest relationship. You,I'm sure, already have ways to cope with your mom and her ways, but she is running out of ways to cope with you, and your Good Times become her broken heart, and will continue to, until you make her certain that she is loved, respected, and informed by you.
A phone call is worth more in a mother's heart than we can imagine. Just a little minute in which to say where you are, why you're there and when you'll see your mom again. I know that these calls are hard to make sometimes, but it's harder yet for me deal with the third degree and the half truths I tell when I get home to explain why I didn't call or come home sooner.
I don't mean to be preachy. I just want you to understand the situation that you are in. And I've been there, and so I know, though you may not, how serious it is when your family feels that you are being destructive and that they are powerless to stop you.
and really, they are. you can, and if you're anything like me, you will do as you see fit. but if what you see as fit and your family sees something else, be prepared to suffer some causalities.
Your mother is stuck. she doesn't want to condone what she thinks that you are doing, but she'll never be prepared to do anything drastic to punish you. She's too scared of what might be going on to ask you plainly. That, or she doesn't trust you to trust her.
Your other family members are not so nuturing. I know from first hand experience how judgemental your sister can be, how righteous and how convinced of the all out evil that is in every drug, and how doing any drug makes you an addict, and how addicts are bad and she has it all wrong.
I said to her "when are you going to forgive your sister?" she said " I'll forgive her when she snaps out of it" I told her it was all backwards, that if she was to forgive you, with all your 'faults', first then 'snapping out of it' would be just that- a snap,or at least you'd feel like you had someone you didn't have to be false with.
you are a legal adult now, and you cannot be forced into any thing you don't want, and you've always been a clever girl, and could fake what you had to get yourself out of before, and i'm sure you are capable of such deception again. being legal means bigger consequences, bigger risks and bigger freedom than you're used to. It also, sadly, means that whatever you do, don't do, or lie about doing is all on you. It's your life, and you'll be the one who has to fix it when it breaks. This is a shitty, universal truth. Unless you are okay with being dependent on your parents for the rest of their lives, which, believe me, you are not.
And I think you're doing what every 18 year old, attractive, intelligent and subversive woman should do; be a little wreckless, have a lot of fun, try new things. Learn to see trouble brewing and do your best to avoid it. This requires a lot of outward focus, and consideration. Don't ever do the same drug two days in a row, except pot, maybe. Save your family from seeing you be unconcerned about your life/future/etc.
It's a delicate moral issue, doing what you want and dealing with what people want you to do. You do have some emotional responsibility to those who love you, so it is best if what you want is what they want for you. and all anyone ever wants for each other is happiness and success. So want that for yourself, and let them see you trying to get at it. And do be sincere in your efforts, it is for you that you should work the hardest.
listen, I'm just sayin' cuz I couldn't not say my piece after what i've put people through.
Do not make the same mistakes I have. Recognize where you stand before they stop caring if you fall.
(also, it is a confession of my wicked ways, and how to live with them and other people)
(i did not mean to be so verbose, but if you know someone who's fucking off or is fucked up, let them know that last line, as I am sure having fallen, to turned backs, has been a reason for my own fight to stay on my feet)
hey girl
you'll forgive the meager form of communication, but as your sister refuses to give me your number, and as i don't really know you well enough to call you, this seemed like an easy (but not necessarily good) way to contact you.
and why would I want to contact you anyways?
Well, you're awesome and I'd like to get to know you, all that is true, but I am writing (i'm afraid) a much less light-hearted, social note.
I am writing to you because if I were you, and you me, and my family had been all openly worried, I hope you'd tell me. let's hope that reverse situation will never happen, but this, this situation, wherein your mother and sister confided in me their suspicions about you, has occurred.
Now, I don't know you, or your life, but I know that your family suspects that you are up to no good. I myself have been in the past, and sometimes occassionally am still up to no good, so maybe I'm some supposed expert when it comes to these things, in your family's eyes, and maybe I sorta am in my own.
so, without wanting to actually know what you're up to, as really, it's no one's business but your own, I would like to impart some knowledge upon you:
If you go out all night and sleep all day, even if you're not on drugs, the people around you, especially family, will imagine the worst possible scenarios, and this will upset them.
upsetting the people around you is a big no-no if you want them to trust you, support you or like you. you may not think these things are vital, or even deserved, but even if they are false trust, unappreciated support or friendly fluff chit chat, life is easier with them and even fake trees take some time to make., and in time you may forget it’s fake.. Real trust, happily given support and genuine friendships grow slower than trees, but can be uprooted in an instant, and can be hard to grow back, impossible even. It's okay to be upset yourself, and to express it, but to avoid bringing tension is to be subject to less of it.
If you do drugs while in your mother's house (and I have done) or are still feeling the effects while she is home is for some reason very hurtful. Mothers believe that whatever problems their children have is because of something they themselves did wrong. They act as if they believe themselves to be monsters, that cursed their baby girls.
I do not believe that I do drugs because of some short coming my mom may have, because of what she did or did not do. I do what I do because I like to. Sometimes I like to do things I know I shouldn't. I take responsibilty for my choices, after shirking from it for so long. I mean, I'm still an sneak bastard who gets away with a lot, but I know it can't last forever, and someday (let it be far off) I will have to take the brunt of my own misdeeds. I have done many foolish things, and whatever has come of my foolishness my mother still feels somewhat to blame.
I have put my mom through emotional hell, trying to lie to her to keep her from things I thought would be even more hurtful for her to know the whole truth about, or by getting her hope and pride all pumped, just to let her down again.
I think it's unavoidable, this maternal guilt. It can stand in the way of an honest relationship. You,I'm sure, already have ways to cope with your mom and her ways, but she is running out of ways to cope with you, and your Good Times become her broken heart, and will continue to, until you make her certain that she is loved, respected, and informed by you.
A phone call is worth more in a mother's heart than we can imagine. Just a little minute in which to say where you are, why you're there and when you'll see your mom again. I know that these calls are hard to make sometimes, but it's harder yet for me deal with the third degree and the half truths I tell when I get home to explain why I didn't call or come home sooner.
I don't mean to be preachy. I just want you to understand the situation that you are in. And I've been there, and so I know, though you may not, how serious it is when your family feels that you are being destructive and that they are powerless to stop you.
and really, they are. you can, and if you're anything like me, you will do as you see fit. but if what you see as fit and your family sees something else, be prepared to suffer some causalities.
Your mother is stuck. she doesn't want to condone what she thinks that you are doing, but she'll never be prepared to do anything drastic to punish you. She's too scared of what might be going on to ask you plainly. That, or she doesn't trust you to trust her.
Your other family members are not so nuturing. I know from first hand experience how judgemental your sister can be, how righteous and how convinced of the all out evil that is in every drug, and how doing any drug makes you an addict, and how addicts are bad and she has it all wrong.
I said to her "when are you going to forgive your sister?" she said " I'll forgive her when she snaps out of it" I told her it was all backwards, that if she was to forgive you, with all your 'faults', first then 'snapping out of it' would be just that- a snap,or at least you'd feel like you had someone you didn't have to be false with.
you are a legal adult now, and you cannot be forced into any thing you don't want, and you've always been a clever girl, and could fake what you had to get yourself out of before, and i'm sure you are capable of such deception again. being legal means bigger consequences, bigger risks and bigger freedom than you're used to. It also, sadly, means that whatever you do, don't do, or lie about doing is all on you. It's your life, and you'll be the one who has to fix it when it breaks. This is a shitty, universal truth. Unless you are okay with being dependent on your parents for the rest of their lives, which, believe me, you are not.
And I think you're doing what every 18 year old, attractive, intelligent and subversive woman should do; be a little wreckless, have a lot of fun, try new things. Learn to see trouble brewing and do your best to avoid it. This requires a lot of outward focus, and consideration. Don't ever do the same drug two days in a row, except pot, maybe. Save your family from seeing you be unconcerned about your life/future/etc.
It's a delicate moral issue, doing what you want and dealing with what people want you to do. You do have some emotional responsibility to those who love you, so it is best if what you want is what they want for you. and all anyone ever wants for each other is happiness and success. So want that for yourself, and let them see you trying to get at it. And do be sincere in your efforts, it is for you that you should work the hardest.
listen, I'm just sayin' cuz I couldn't not say my piece after what i've put people through.
Do not make the same mistakes I have. Recognize where you stand before they stop caring if you fall.